Monday, September 13, 2021

Prisoner of the mind

 So, I went back and read some of my earlier posts....I want to delete almost every damn post I have ever made.   

I have asked my advocate after a "bad" posts, if I should delete it.  He told me no.  He said that I need to be able to vent...I need to let the girls vent...and by letting them vent I get to know them better.

Well, they hate my daughter in law as much as I do.  Which is extremely evident in my last post.  Am I worried that one day she might read what I had to say about her?  FUCK NO...I HAVE SAID AS MUCH TO HER FACE...

I just hate for people (there are some that know about this blog and are reading it) to see the bitter hatred I have for her, and when I am all over the map with emotions, fears etc...This blog leaves me very vulnerable.

I wish I could be happy all the time, I wish that my entries were all sugar and spice....but they are not.  My girls are angry, they have things to say, whether I or you or my advocate likes it or approves.

In fact, my advocate has only took down one of my entries.  It was an entry written by Sophee about what happened to me, the sex trafficking's experience, he took it down because it was so raw, so in detail and so unsettling.....but, he has sense put it back up with a disclaimer.

Last night, him and I were talking.  We were talking about Ronnie, the guy that groomed me for the sex trafficking and other horrendous activities.  Ronnie is in prison, has been in prison for almost 20 years,  but I did find out this through my advocate.  He (my advocate) has called and talked with the case worker, the one that has all his victims on the list, the list to call each girl if he ever gets out of prison.  (by the way, he is in a mental hospital for the criminally insane, if he is ever released, he has pedophile charges waiting for him in the state of Delaware.)  I am his first victim, the first when he was 19.  Him and his father were evil horrible men.  I was 15 when I met Ronnie, and 17 when my daddy put me on a plane and sent me across the nation to NM to live.  My daddy had a friend name Det. Bell.  To this day, I believe that Bell had Ronnie and his dad under surveillance and saw something coming and told my daddy to get me out of SC.  I could not understand why my daddy almost literally "threw me out of his house".  He sent a letter to my mom telling her I was on drugs and truant at school so he wanted me to leave.  It was a lie.....yes I did drugs (who didn't in the 70's?) and yes I was truant alot at school....but I was an A student.  I never flunked out of school. Did you know that Ronnie was a school bus driver?  back in the day, the buses had catalytic converters and were rigged where they could not go faster than 35 mph.  That way the senior students could drive the buses.  Ronnie drove the bus I took.  Routinely he would stop at liquor stores on the way to school and buy us liquor.  This was how Ronnie recruited girls, by being the "cool" bus driver.  I though he was to die for, very tall, long blonde  hair, very charismatic, all the girls were in love with him.   

He chose me...to be his girlfriend...that made the other girls on the bus hate me, in fact  many tried to even fight me on that bus...ugh, but I was so happy that this beautiful man picked me!  But he chose me because he saw the wounded child inside me, he saw the little girl savagely abused by a step father, he saw rebellion in me, he saw I was an easy mark.  I was ridiculously easy to  manipulate.  The perfect "bait".

So many things happened when I was with Ronnie.  I really thought I was in love, he said he loved me, and I believed him.  What a fucking idiot I was to not see his manipulations, through drugs, sex and teenage rebellion.  I willingly went to that island where me and other girls were chased through the sand and fog, caught and sexually abused by strange men......it was a cat and mouse game that the men who were there, loved.  

We were victims of sex trafficking, period.  

My advocate told Ronnies case worker, that I was most likely his first victim.  His first underage pedophile action.  At first, the caseworker did not believe my advocate, but he knew too many details about Ronnie and his father, he knew too many things, so the case worker believed him.  If Ronnie is ever released, that case worker will call my advocate and tell him, just like she will call all the other victims that put him in jail. 

Ronnie was a ritualistic child pedophile.  He used the occult to groom, and brainwash his victims.  He ritualistically abused them....girls and boys  younger than I was...he was and still is a monster.  What upsets me most is he went damn near 20 fucking years before he was caught......how many children did he hurt????  Could I have stopped him?  All I had to do was open my mouth and tell my daddy...but I didn't.  I did nothing, and now many many children have been hurt, used and will never be the same...their childhoods were viscously taken from them by a monster.  A monster I thought I loved...oh my god, I feel like puking.  I feel I am to blame for those children, because I kept my mouth shut, they were hurt.  To this day, I feel like I am to blame....try living with that?????

It makes me so fucking sick inside to think I was his first..I was his training manual, I was so easy,  I made it easy for him to abuse me.....what a fucking loser.  Where were my girls then????  It was Ronnie that saw Lilly...he called her a demon, and in satanism that made me even more "special"....but it wasn't a demon, it was my Lilly, my alternate personality...but back then, DID was not even heard of, but satanism and demon possession were prevalent.  It was the Son of Sam era....play the records backwards to hear satanic messages, etc.....

My only consolation is that Ronnie is in a mental hospital.  The judge on his case, will not release him.  He is criminally insane...and even if he is ever released, he has charges in Delaware...the state of Delaware is waiting to lock him up too.... If he becomes a free man....I will be waiting for him.......

I do not know whatever happened to his father...his father was a creepy horrible man.  I believe he was the mastermind to the sex trafficking, and Ronnie was his muscle.  Ronnies good looks were disarming and he was so charming, everyone loved him....He was the perfect decoy and I was the perfect prey...

I am free, and he is in prison.....but am I really free?  Are all those other children really free?  NO, our minds hold the horror, our nightmares are full of Ronnie, our lives are not free.  We are forever in prison, the prison of our own minds....

Do any of those children now have alters?  Did Ronnies abuse of them cause their minds to split??? I will never know, but I pray to any god out there, that those victims minds stayed whole......that they are not split and broken like me....

The statue of limitation applies to me.  It has been too long since his crime towards me can be filed and brought against him...he cannot be held accountable and tried on what he did to me....too many years have passed...my abuse will forever be not accounted for.  He will never pay for what he did to me....but, I do have the satisfaction of knowing he spent almost 20 years in a prison (and we all know what other fellow prisoners do to pedophiles) so it is my fantasy that he was somebodies bitch....ass fucked and beat every fucking day...now he is in a hospital for the criminally insane....a cushy hospital with a nice bed, meds and every other damn thing.....he does not deserve to be in that hospital, he needs to be back in population with inmates...

I feel so much anger welling up inside of me.....I believe that is Sophee....so I will end this entry before she takes over.....

S, T

 

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