night terrors vs nightmares

 I hate when I have nightmares.  There is a difference between night terrors and nightmares.

I use to have night terrors, I would wake up screaming, or wake up myself thrashing about on the bed...usually I do not remember the "terror" that woke me up, but that it scared me and my heart was racing.....

Nightmares, stay with me.  They include people I love doing or saying things I hate.  I can remember a nightmare.  I remember them so vividly that I think about them all day, I overthink them.....

I had a nightmare, last night.  I dreamed I was about to open a door and heard a man's voice on the other side of the door.  He was talking into a cell phone.  I stood there with my hand on the door nob, listening.  The man was having phone sex with a person on the other end of that phone....a woman...He was saying to her "give it too me", "come for me", and he called her "babygirl"...in my dream, I trusted this man, I thought I loved him...the realization that this man didn't love me, was lying to me, using me, made me feel sick".

  I woke up with a start, and I felt like I needed to vomit.  In fact, the dream seemed so real it actually brought tears to my eyes.  I had to keep telling myself "its only a dream".

But this dream just underscores how insecure I am.  Even in my dreams, I am never enough for anyone.  I can see this very dream happening in real life...I can see it very easily happening to me.  I have never felt worthy of love, not real love.  My biggest fear is being left alone, unloved and untouched.  Every single person that has said "I love you" to me, has failed me.  I cannot accept that I am loveable.  Even in my dream, I am not enough, I am a failure, the man in the dream was finding "sex" with another person, because I obviously could not please him, I was not enough.

I never saw his face in my dream...just heard his voice.  I heard his words, and felt the impact of those words down deep in the pit of my stomach....even after waking and realizing it was only a dream, I still felt sick...nauseous.  

I would rather have a night terror than a nightmare.  Terrors are fleeting, but the nightmares stick with me...eating away at my mind...

So today, I am going to get out and go to an event in downtown Salem.  I am going to try and put the nightmare to rest....but I know that it will linger with me for awhile.

I just hope the memory of the nightmare does not push me over the edge.  I really want to have a good day.

S