dog walker?

 My advocate knows of a job opening I might be interested in:  Dog Walker.  Hmmmmmm,

I could probably do that without fucking it up...but I wonder what my girls would think?  I know that Ally would love it, but the others are very indifferent about Boomer and animals.  

I will have to fill out an application, and I have lots of dog experience, running a dog park, training dogs, etc...but I have not had a job in over 20 yrs, a paying job.  I have no references and I do not even know this city very well.  

The lady who told my advocate about the job dog walking, knows that I have DID.  She watches my videos.....so, what if she tells the lady with the business???  I know for a fact no one would hire someone like me, knowing I have DID.  They would be too concerned about the dogs welfare.  And I get that, the potential dog owners may like me, Sparrow, but what about the others???  

If I am walking the dogs and something happens to "trigger" one of my girls, then what then???? Will it confuse the dogs?  The owners? The boss?  

I was fired from my last "employment" because Sophee was triggered and attacked a man....I am too unpredictable to be a reliable employee.   That is why I am not working today....because of my head is too fucked up.

I am not "employee" material.  It would shatter what is left of my very fragile self-worth and confidence if something happened and I was let go or fired.  Rejection is an acute emotion I have all the time....

Probably the best thing I could do, was say NO, to the offer.  I am simply not a person to hold a job.  I am too unstable and stupid.

And, if I did take the job, I would get so attached to the dogs I am walking, and they would get attached to me, then I would just be fired or let go after a while and it would confuse the dogs, and break my heart....

So, I am going to have to say NO, to dog walking.  The best thing for me is too stay in my apartment and only come out to go Kayaking or to my advocates place.  

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My advocate has been working with an Arborist to save Gageys tree.  His tree is really sick...for awhile all the leaves were dry and brittle, but yesterday I went to water it and noticed that there were so many new leaves...the tree looked so wonderful and it made my heart so happy.

Then a man came up to me and asked me why I was watering the tree?  He then proceeded to tell me that tree was sick and was dying.  He told me exactly what was wrong with the tree and the other Oak beside it.  When he was done lecturing me on the health of the little tree...I told him the story behind the tree and that we were working with an Arborist to save the tree...

the man said "well sorry for your loss, but you are wasting your time, you are going to lose that tree too..." then he turned and walked away.....

My heart that was so happy 10 minutes ago, was now yanked out of my chest and stomped on.....the man is right, the tree is sick and will probably die...but did he have to deliberately make me feel bad and useless???

The hurt and devastation I felt about the conversation on the tree, would even be tripled if I took that job dog walking and it didn't work out or I was fired.  I don't think my heart can take any more rejection....

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I or probably we are making some changes in my life.  I am going to be more proactive in protecting myself from hurt...I am making some changes that will alter the way I see myself...the changes will curb my desires and make my life so much more simpler.  

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S