brain tumors and DID

 Okay, so I have decided that I do not want to have DID.  I would rather just have the 10+ brain tumors and the alters can take a hike!

I wish it were that easy.  I wish I could take a pill, or have some type of surgery that would end the DID.  I would much rather just have the tumors.

Are the brain tumors the reason for my fucked up head??  No.  they are an incidental side issue, the only common thing between my brain tumors and my DID is that they are all in my brain....

I have had really bad headaches/migraines as far back as I can remember.  I remember always taking meds for headaches...I had head aches wayyyyyyyyyy before the tumors showed up.  I would love to blame the headaches on the brain tumors...but I can't.  The tumors are not causing the pain.

I remember when I was about to have brain surgery for the first tumor back in 09.  I was so grateful because I thought the Stereotactic Brain Surgery (laser) would cure the headaches and destroy the tumor.  IT DID NOT.  In fact, the headaches are worse and the tumors have spread and multiplied.  However the tumors are, so far, in an area of the brain that does not affect major organs...so I am healthy except for the 10+ brain meningiomas that are scattered across my frontal lobe.  

I am a walking fucking disaster.  I have to deal with DID all the time, but in the very back of my mind is the realization that I have brain cancer.  Brain cancer???, that is what my neurosurgeon told me.  Any tumor or lesion that infiltrates the brain matter is a cancer to the brain.   When he told me that, I freaked out....brain cancer????

But here I am, 12 years later...living with brain cancer.

Living with DID, Disassociative Identity Disorder, multiple personalities.

How fucked up is that???  I truly am a walking freak.

My grandson, 8 yrs old, gets a brain tumor and is dead within 5 weeks...I get a brain tumor, and still alive after 12 years and the kicker, now I have more than 10 of these tumors....

Do my girls know that I have brain cancer?  Does that mean they have brain cancer too?

Do they even understand what that means?  It is so hard, because there are some days my head pain is so great I feel like I might have a stroke....is that the tumors? or is it just one of the girls having a bad day......I will get dizzy or some other physical thing, is that the tumors? or is that the girls fucking around in my head.....

I do not understand how I continue to draw breath sometimes...Why am I still alive?  Is there a plan or purpose for me?  I got married, I had children, I did my womanly duty, was that my only purpose?  If so, I get an A.  

But what now?  having brain tumors and DID both is so fucking confusing...which is causing which?  the blurred vision, the headaches, the dizziness, the forgetfulness, is it the girls or the tumors???  See my dilemma?   

I even stare down a mama bear with her cubs while hiking, and get to walk away...it seems I always get to walk away from situations that could be tragic.  Is that the universe finally cutting me a break?

I do not understand why I am alive?  Nothing can be done for the brain tumors, no meds, no surgery, nothing...so I am stuck with these tumors.  The last time I had a MRI was in 2017...that was when 10 of those fuckers were seen.  It is 4 yrs later, and I am sure there are more than 10 now.  My neurologist here asked if I wanted another MRI to check on the tumors....my answer, WHY?  

Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing, especially when nothing can be done for the tumors.   

And nothing can be done for the DID. Like the brain cancer, I just have to accept both.  I have to accept the fact that my head is fucked.  My conditions are hopeless, meaning they can't be helped, only accepted and lived with.

Is this my fate?  To live the rest of my life getting ready to die at any minute?  The biggest issue with the tumors is that one of the tumors is attached to my Sattual Sinus Vein...that is the tumor that was zapped with radiation in an attempt to kill it.  But, it is still there, sitting on my vein....waiting for the stroke to  happen...I really feel that is how I will legitimately die...a stroke...caused by a tumor squeezing the vein, cutting off the oxygen that my brain needs, that my girls need.

We will all die of a stroke.  Out of all the tumors I have, the initial one will most likely be the death of us.  

Maybe it is time for my advocate to sit down and talk to each of my alters.  I think they need to know about the tumors and the risks...do they know already?  I have no fucking idea.  I don't know what they know....

All I know is I am fucked....

S, T