8 thorns

 You know? I fucking hate the way my head works.  My head is so convoluted I even confuse myself.

I am such an emotional nightmare....I cannot control my thoughts...so I voice them or write them out, but by doing so, I say and do the most stupid things.  All my written thoughts do nothing but hurt or offend someone else....I don't mean to do that...but I can't seem to keep my fucking mouth shut....I sabotage myself and those closest to me.

This whole entire week and even before, I have had so many emotional things going on, but a Normal Person, could deal with them, categorize and censor their thoughts or emotions.  Not that bad or horrible to a Normal Person....but too me, it is 1000 fold worse, in my head....it eats at me until I am a shell of a person.  I am too stupid and damaged and immature to deal with life on life terms, so I let my girls do it....

How pathetic.  I am such a loser.....I am not even a real person...I am a deformity that really should have just been aborted before I was born.  My mother even told me so, and you know what?  SHE WAS FUCKING RIGHT, I WISH SHE HAD ABORTED ME....

I have been nothing but a thorn in the side of every goddamn person who has had to deal with me....because they were dealing with 8 of me....8 thorns....

Thorns that leave my mind and body bleeding and being pricked all the fucking time, annoying, irritating, aggravating and painful pricks...the pricks of 8 fucking personalities.

I wish I could scream on here what is going on with me, but even though this is a private blog, too many people read it....so I have to fake it on facebook, and even here....

yesterday I got a phone call from a friend I have not heard from in a long time...it was so nice to hear her voice, but I led her to believe that I am fine, happy and healthy.  She did not call me to hear me whine or to hear what was really going on with me....nobody needs to know that....NOBODY wants to hear or deal with that....me.

I feel so fucking bad for my advocate...He has to take the brunt of my insanity all the time....he surely is a gluten for punishment, he is in a no-win situation with me, he is continually pricked and stabbed by my 8 thorns...he is a fucking warrior!  I know I am wearing him out, I wear everybody out with my insanity...

I feel we should rename my "Sparrows House:" Youtube station to "8 thorns".

"8 Thorns of Insanity/DID"

I do not even know how to sign this blog...

I know, I will sign it,

8 thorns.

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Fast forward- I talk to my advocate, I try to explain to him why I am feeling something, or how I see or perceive something, how I feel about something...and he listens.

Then, he proceeds to very patiently explain to me the why's and why nots of how I feel.  He gently (like an adult talking to a small child) explains the actual reality of a situation or feeling or whatever...and of course, he is right.

I cannot see past my own fucking nose...I am so fucking stupid to see reality, to understand reality..when he explains to me something I am thinking that is wrong or incorrect or not what is really happening and why...then I see his logic.  

This is even worse.  Now I feel like a stupid ignorant selfish self-centered white cunt.

This is why I can never be whole.  Can never have a job.  Can never be happy in my own skin or mind...I am too fucking mentally unstable, to stupid and ignorant to see "reality", I live in a fucking fantasy world.

How pathetic.  Now I am ashamed for my thoughts and feelings, they fucking lie to me.  I can't even trust myself.  I cannot trust my own intellect.  I am literally brain dead to reality....

This is DID.  I am a mental retard, pure and simple.

I am nothing but a child.  I will never be an adult.  Never be a rational person.  I am forever a freak...

I need to be committed to a hospital.  Maybe I can be placed in a room at the hospital for the Criminally Insane where Ronnie is housed.  Maybe we can become roommates.

THAT IS WHAT I DESERVE.

8 Thorns