brain tumors and DID

 Okay, so I have decided that I do not want to have DID.  I would rather just have the 10+ brain tumors and the alters can take a hike!

I wish it were that easy.  I wish I could take a pill, or have some type of surgery that would end the DID.  I would much rather just have the tumors.

Are the brain tumors the reason for my fucked up head??  No.  they are an incidental side issue, the only common thing between my brain tumors and my DID is that they are all in my brain....

I have had really bad headaches/migraines as far back as I can remember.  I remember always taking meds for headaches...I had head aches wayyyyyyyyyy before the tumors showed up.  I would love to blame the headaches on the brain tumors...but I can't.  The tumors are not causing the pain.

I remember when I was about to have brain surgery for the first tumor back in 09.  I was so grateful because I thought the Stereotactic Brain Surgery (laser) would cure the headaches and destroy the tumor.  IT DID NOT.  In fact, the headaches are worse and the tumors have spread and multiplied.  However the tumors are, so far, in an area of the brain that does not affect major organs...so I am healthy except for the 10+ brain meningiomas that are scattered across my frontal lobe.  

I am a walking fucking disaster.  I have to deal with DID all the time, but in the very back of my mind is the realization that I have brain cancer.  Brain cancer???, that is what my neurosurgeon told me.  Any tumor or lesion that infiltrates the brain matter is a cancer to the brain.   When he told me that, I freaked out....brain cancer????

But here I am, 12 years later...living with brain cancer.

Living with DID, Disassociative Identity Disorder, multiple personalities.

How fucked up is that???  I truly am a walking freak.

My grandson, 8 yrs old, gets a brain tumor and is dead within 5 weeks...I get a brain tumor, and still alive after 12 years and the kicker, now I have more than 10 of these tumors....

Do my girls know that I have brain cancer?  Does that mean they have brain cancer too?

Do they even understand what that means?  It is so hard, because there are some days my head pain is so great I feel like I might have a stroke....is that the tumors? or is it just one of the girls having a bad day......I will get dizzy or some other physical thing, is that the tumors? or is that the girls fucking around in my head.....

I do not understand how I continue to draw breath sometimes...Why am I still alive?  Is there a plan or purpose for me?  I got married, I had children, I did my womanly duty, was that my only purpose?  If so, I get an A.  

But what now?  having brain tumors and DID both is so fucking confusing...which is causing which?  the blurred vision, the headaches, the dizziness, the forgetfulness, is it the girls or the tumors???  See my dilemma?   

I even stare down a mama bear with her cubs while hiking, and get to walk away...it seems I always get to walk away from situations that could be tragic.  Is that the universe finally cutting me a break?

I do not understand why I am alive?  Nothing can be done for the brain tumors, no meds, no surgery, nothing...so I am stuck with these tumors.  The last time I had a MRI was in 2017...that was when 10 of those fuckers were seen.  It is 4 yrs later, and I am sure there are more than 10 now.  My neurologist here asked if I wanted another MRI to check on the tumors....my answer, WHY?  

Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing, especially when nothing can be done for the tumors.   

And nothing can be done for the DID. Like the brain cancer, I just have to accept both.  I have to accept the fact that my head is fucked.  My conditions are hopeless, meaning they can't be helped, only accepted and lived with.

Is this my fate?  To live the rest of my life getting ready to die at any minute?  The biggest issue with the tumors is that one of the tumors is attached to my Sattual Sinus Vein...that is the tumor that was zapped with radiation in an attempt to kill it.  But, it is still there, sitting on my vein....waiting for the stroke to  happen...I really feel that is how I will legitimately die...a stroke...caused by a tumor squeezing the vein, cutting off the oxygen that my brain needs, that my girls need.

We will all die of a stroke.  Out of all the tumors I have, the initial one will most likely be the death of us.  

Maybe it is time for my advocate to sit down and talk to each of my alters.  I think they need to know about the tumors and the risks...do they know already?  I have no fucking idea.  I don't know what they know....

All I know is I am fucked....

S, T

covered in dirt

 What I want,

I cannot have,

what I have,

I do not want....

I can never be happy,

too many of me...

A clusterfuck of girls,

living in my head...

Too much conflict,

I'd rather be dead...

Tired of being in knots,

jerked around and used..

I am a nightmare,

just watch and stare...

At the me, if you dare...

My heart is closed,

out of order..

Dead and buried, 

no more hurt,

nothing, just covered in dirt...

S, 7

Sammy

 So, another video was released.   This one about Sammy....she is my  mute alter, and my dancer and lover of music....

I have to say, while my advocate was filming, I could not be in the room....I did not want to hear his assessment of Sammy...for some reason, I felt "protective" of her and me...we do not know alot about her, because she does not speak, and she does not really like to write on paper...she will type on this blog, her poems and stuff...but actually hold pen to paper is hard for her to do....so she signs....

Because Sammy never speaks, I will never know what happened to spawn her in my head...I know that, as my advocate said, a hand was held over her mouth and she was threatened to keep silent (she told him that) but aside from that...I just don't know....she has the memories...

I believe that she got her love of music from my mother.  My mom use to play alot of music on her record player...she loved Crosby Stills and Nash, ballads, easy rock...I to this day, love the same band/singers.  Where my mother sang (she has a beautiful voice), Sammy does not sing....my mom once told me when she heard me singing as a kid..."you have a horrible voice, don't sing, it is hurting my ears...."  so, I have never sang again.  In school, I was not in choir, and I only sing now in private...which I love to sing, but I have a horrible singing voice!!!!

Sammy chose to dance....you can dance in silence...you can dance at a club, the music is so loud you do not and cannot talk...you just shut your eyes and dance.  

Sammy could hear my moms music, and she could dance in an area of the house that her mother did not see her...obviously if mom would have seen me/her dancing she would have told me how horrible a dancer I was....I am so glad, my mom never saw me dance.  Because now I can dance and feel good about myself...Sammy can dance all she wants...

You don't have to speak to dance.  Dancing allows the body to speak, to scream, to voice the voiceless...Sammy speaks through her dancing.  My advocate has filmed her dancing...she is good, she is more of the "exotic" dancer type,  maybe a stripper?? where I am more of a "ham" dancer...goofy and awkward...she is smooth and creative and seductive and knows how to move her body to music.....

I want to know more about Sammy, but then I am fearful of learning more....

S

today

 Okay, so, my last billion posts were so fucking depressing...Sorry about that....I am feeling better, nothing like a good butt whooping!  HA

I can't promise my "better" mood will stay....it can turn on a dime with a "trigger"...I wish I knew every single one of my triggers so I could avoid them.

I know alot of them, but sometimes out of the blue, a "word"  may be spoken, or a smell, or a memory of someone elses can trigger a memory in me....I wish all my memories were fun and sweet, but so many are not.  I know that my girls hold so many memories,  do I want to eventually learn of them all???  FUCK NO.  What I don't know won't hurt me, right?

All I know, is that when I am triggered negatively, can can fall down the mountain very quickly...its because I do not know how to think "objectively" about the memory, I feel it as if it is happening right this instant...I feel like I am being attacked and need to take cover...only my cover is self-flagellation.  If I can punish myself, then no one else will have to do it....I let depression cover me like a warm blanket...and it is fear that keeps me from overcoming alot of triggers....I withdraw into myself.

So, enough of that.

I got so much done yesterday...which makes me feel a sense of accomplishment, or maybe Tessa is the accomplishment, whatever...I still felt good about everything I got done.

I did not even overthink or let what was posted on my Sparrows Page on facebook, get to me...I let it go, and my advocate put her in her place.  I hope that she will watch all my videos, and learn about DID...not just what she thinks it is, she needs to study, research and be objective, which she has not shown to be.  

My sister, rejected me, blew me off and refuses to accept or even recognize my DID...fine, now when someone else is trying to discount it, saying my alters are nothing more than past lives visiting me...THE FUCK???

SO, now two people seem to not believe me or, the abuse, or the DID.  

Family is the worse at believing anything,  they would believe a friend or co-worker if they disclosed they had DID...but when a family member has it, well that can't be true...I knew her when...she is lying, whatever....mostly its because they don't want to acknowledge their own culpability in the situation.  Denial keeps their conscience free...

I really don't want to be referred to as "8 thorns"...I was just angry and trying to hurt myself to justify my anger...I was self punishing, which I am very good at.  When I hate myself, I hate myself with a goddamn passion....ugh

Soooooooooo, today is a good day.

S

8 thorns

 You know? I fucking hate the way my head works.  My head is so convoluted I even confuse myself.

I am such an emotional nightmare....I cannot control my thoughts...so I voice them or write them out, but by doing so, I say and do the most stupid things.  All my written thoughts do nothing but hurt or offend someone else....I don't mean to do that...but I can't seem to keep my fucking mouth shut....I sabotage myself and those closest to me.

This whole entire week and even before, I have had so many emotional things going on, but a Normal Person, could deal with them, categorize and censor their thoughts or emotions.  Not that bad or horrible to a Normal Person....but too me, it is 1000 fold worse, in my head....it eats at me until I am a shell of a person.  I am too stupid and damaged and immature to deal with life on life terms, so I let my girls do it....

How pathetic.  I am such a loser.....I am not even a real person...I am a deformity that really should have just been aborted before I was born.  My mother even told me so, and you know what?  SHE WAS FUCKING RIGHT, I WISH SHE HAD ABORTED ME....

I have been nothing but a thorn in the side of every goddamn person who has had to deal with me....because they were dealing with 8 of me....8 thorns....

Thorns that leave my mind and body bleeding and being pricked all the fucking time, annoying, irritating, aggravating and painful pricks...the pricks of 8 fucking personalities.

I wish I could scream on here what is going on with me, but even though this is a private blog, too many people read it....so I have to fake it on facebook, and even here....

yesterday I got a phone call from a friend I have not heard from in a long time...it was so nice to hear her voice, but I led her to believe that I am fine, happy and healthy.  She did not call me to hear me whine or to hear what was really going on with me....nobody needs to know that....NOBODY wants to hear or deal with that....me.

I feel so fucking bad for my advocate...He has to take the brunt of my insanity all the time....he surely is a gluten for punishment, he is in a no-win situation with me, he is continually pricked and stabbed by my 8 thorns...he is a fucking warrior!  I know I am wearing him out, I wear everybody out with my insanity...

I feel we should rename my "Sparrows House:" Youtube station to "8 thorns".

"8 Thorns of Insanity/DID"

I do not even know how to sign this blog...

I know, I will sign it,

8 thorns.

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Fast forward- I talk to my advocate, I try to explain to him why I am feeling something, or how I see or perceive something, how I feel about something...and he listens.

Then, he proceeds to very patiently explain to me the why's and why nots of how I feel.  He gently (like an adult talking to a small child) explains the actual reality of a situation or feeling or whatever...and of course, he is right.

I cannot see past my own fucking nose...I am so fucking stupid to see reality, to understand reality..when he explains to me something I am thinking that is wrong or incorrect or not what is really happening and why...then I see his logic.  

This is even worse.  Now I feel like a stupid ignorant selfish self-centered white cunt.

This is why I can never be whole.  Can never have a job.  Can never be happy in my own skin or mind...I am too fucking mentally unstable, to stupid and ignorant to see "reality", I live in a fucking fantasy world.

How pathetic.  Now I am ashamed for my thoughts and feelings, they fucking lie to me.  I can't even trust myself.  I cannot trust my own intellect.  I am literally brain dead to reality....

This is DID.  I am a mental retard, pure and simple.

I am nothing but a child.  I will never be an adult.  Never be a rational person.  I am forever a freak...

I need to be committed to a hospital.  Maybe I can be placed in a room at the hospital for the Criminally Insane where Ronnie is housed.  Maybe we can become roommates.

THAT IS WHAT I DESERVE.

8 Thorns

dog walker?

 My advocate knows of a job opening I might be interested in:  Dog Walker.  Hmmmmmm,

I could probably do that without fucking it up...but I wonder what my girls would think?  I know that Ally would love it, but the others are very indifferent about Boomer and animals.  

I will have to fill out an application, and I have lots of dog experience, running a dog park, training dogs, etc...but I have not had a job in over 20 yrs, a paying job.  I have no references and I do not even know this city very well.  

The lady who told my advocate about the job dog walking, knows that I have DID.  She watches my videos.....so, what if she tells the lady with the business???  I know for a fact no one would hire someone like me, knowing I have DID.  They would be too concerned about the dogs welfare.  And I get that, the potential dog owners may like me, Sparrow, but what about the others???  

If I am walking the dogs and something happens to "trigger" one of my girls, then what then???? Will it confuse the dogs?  The owners? The boss?  

I was fired from my last "employment" because Sophee was triggered and attacked a man....I am too unpredictable to be a reliable employee.   That is why I am not working today....because of my head is too fucked up.

I am not "employee" material.  It would shatter what is left of my very fragile self-worth and confidence if something happened and I was let go or fired.  Rejection is an acute emotion I have all the time....

Probably the best thing I could do, was say NO, to the offer.  I am simply not a person to hold a job.  I am too unstable and stupid.

And, if I did take the job, I would get so attached to the dogs I am walking, and they would get attached to me, then I would just be fired or let go after a while and it would confuse the dogs, and break my heart....

So, I am going to have to say NO, to dog walking.  The best thing for me is too stay in my apartment and only come out to go Kayaking or to my advocates place.  

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My advocate has been working with an Arborist to save Gageys tree.  His tree is really sick...for awhile all the leaves were dry and brittle, but yesterday I went to water it and noticed that there were so many new leaves...the tree looked so wonderful and it made my heart so happy.

Then a man came up to me and asked me why I was watering the tree?  He then proceeded to tell me that tree was sick and was dying.  He told me exactly what was wrong with the tree and the other Oak beside it.  When he was done lecturing me on the health of the little tree...I told him the story behind the tree and that we were working with an Arborist to save the tree...

the man said "well sorry for your loss, but you are wasting your time, you are going to lose that tree too..." then he turned and walked away.....

My heart that was so happy 10 minutes ago, was now yanked out of my chest and stomped on.....the man is right, the tree is sick and will probably die...but did he have to deliberately make me feel bad and useless???

The hurt and devastation I felt about the conversation on the tree, would even be tripled if I took that job dog walking and it didn't work out or I was fired.  I don't think my heart can take any more rejection....

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I or probably we are making some changes in my life.  I am going to be more proactive in protecting myself from hurt...I am making some changes that will alter the way I see myself...the changes will curb my desires and make my life so much more simpler.  

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S

Prisoner of the mind

 So, I went back and read some of my earlier posts....I want to delete almost every damn post I have ever made.   

I have asked my advocate after a "bad" posts, if I should delete it.  He told me no.  He said that I need to be able to vent...I need to let the girls vent...and by letting them vent I get to know them better.

Well, they hate my daughter in law as much as I do.  Which is extremely evident in my last post.  Am I worried that one day she might read what I had to say about her?  FUCK NO...I HAVE SAID AS MUCH TO HER FACE...

I just hate for people (there are some that know about this blog and are reading it) to see the bitter hatred I have for her, and when I am all over the map with emotions, fears etc...This blog leaves me very vulnerable.

I wish I could be happy all the time, I wish that my entries were all sugar and spice....but they are not.  My girls are angry, they have things to say, whether I or you or my advocate likes it or approves.

In fact, my advocate has only took down one of my entries.  It was an entry written by Sophee about what happened to me, the sex trafficking's experience, he took it down because it was so raw, so in detail and so unsettling.....but, he has sense put it back up with a disclaimer.

Last night, him and I were talking.  We were talking about Ronnie, the guy that groomed me for the sex trafficking and other horrendous activities.  Ronnie is in prison, has been in prison for almost 20 years,  but I did find out this through my advocate.  He (my advocate) has called and talked with the case worker, the one that has all his victims on the list, the list to call each girl if he ever gets out of prison.  (by the way, he is in a mental hospital for the criminally insane, if he is ever released, he has pedophile charges waiting for him in the state of Delaware.)  I am his first victim, the first when he was 19.  Him and his father were evil horrible men.  I was 15 when I met Ronnie, and 17 when my daddy put me on a plane and sent me across the nation to NM to live.  My daddy had a friend name Det. Bell.  To this day, I believe that Bell had Ronnie and his dad under surveillance and saw something coming and told my daddy to get me out of SC.  I could not understand why my daddy almost literally "threw me out of his house".  He sent a letter to my mom telling her I was on drugs and truant at school so he wanted me to leave.  It was a lie.....yes I did drugs (who didn't in the 70's?) and yes I was truant alot at school....but I was an A student.  I never flunked out of school. Did you know that Ronnie was a school bus driver?  back in the day, the buses had catalytic converters and were rigged where they could not go faster than 35 mph.  That way the senior students could drive the buses.  Ronnie drove the bus I took.  Routinely he would stop at liquor stores on the way to school and buy us liquor.  This was how Ronnie recruited girls, by being the "cool" bus driver.  I though he was to die for, very tall, long blonde  hair, very charismatic, all the girls were in love with him.   

He chose me...to be his girlfriend...that made the other girls on the bus hate me, in fact  many tried to even fight me on that bus...ugh, but I was so happy that this beautiful man picked me!  But he chose me because he saw the wounded child inside me, he saw the little girl savagely abused by a step father, he saw rebellion in me, he saw I was an easy mark.  I was ridiculously easy to  manipulate.  The perfect "bait".

So many things happened when I was with Ronnie.  I really thought I was in love, he said he loved me, and I believed him.  What a fucking idiot I was to not see his manipulations, through drugs, sex and teenage rebellion.  I willingly went to that island where me and other girls were chased through the sand and fog, caught and sexually abused by strange men......it was a cat and mouse game that the men who were there, loved.  

We were victims of sex trafficking, period.  

My advocate told Ronnies case worker, that I was most likely his first victim.  His first underage pedophile action.  At first, the caseworker did not believe my advocate, but he knew too many details about Ronnie and his father, he knew too many things, so the case worker believed him.  If Ronnie is ever released, that case worker will call my advocate and tell him, just like she will call all the other victims that put him in jail. 

Ronnie was a ritualistic child pedophile.  He used the occult to groom, and brainwash his victims.  He ritualistically abused them....girls and boys  younger than I was...he was and still is a monster.  What upsets me most is he went damn near 20 fucking years before he was caught......how many children did he hurt????  Could I have stopped him?  All I had to do was open my mouth and tell my daddy...but I didn't.  I did nothing, and now many many children have been hurt, used and will never be the same...their childhoods were viscously taken from them by a monster.  A monster I thought I loved...oh my god, I feel like puking.  I feel I am to blame for those children, because I kept my mouth shut, they were hurt.  To this day, I feel like I am to blame....try living with that?????

It makes me so fucking sick inside to think I was his first..I was his training manual, I was so easy,  I made it easy for him to abuse me.....what a fucking loser.  Where were my girls then????  It was Ronnie that saw Lilly...he called her a demon, and in satanism that made me even more "special"....but it wasn't a demon, it was my Lilly, my alternate personality...but back then, DID was not even heard of, but satanism and demon possession were prevalent.  It was the Son of Sam era....play the records backwards to hear satanic messages, etc.....

My only consolation is that Ronnie is in a mental hospital.  The judge on his case, will not release him.  He is criminally insane...and even if he is ever released, he has charges in Delaware...the state of Delaware is waiting to lock him up too.... If he becomes a free man....I will be waiting for him.......

I do not know whatever happened to his father...his father was a creepy horrible man.  I believe he was the mastermind to the sex trafficking, and Ronnie was his muscle.  Ronnies good looks were disarming and he was so charming, everyone loved him....He was the perfect decoy and I was the perfect prey...

I am free, and he is in prison.....but am I really free?  Are all those other children really free?  NO, our minds hold the horror, our nightmares are full of Ronnie, our lives are not free.  We are forever in prison, the prison of our own minds....

Do any of those children now have alters?  Did Ronnies abuse of them cause their minds to split??? I will never know, but I pray to any god out there, that those victims minds stayed whole......that they are not split and broken like me....

The statue of limitation applies to me.  It has been too long since his crime towards me can be filed and brought against him...he cannot be held accountable and tried on what he did to me....too many years have passed...my abuse will forever be not accounted for.  He will never pay for what he did to me....but, I do have the satisfaction of knowing he spent almost 20 years in a prison (and we all know what other fellow prisoners do to pedophiles) so it is my fantasy that he was somebodies bitch....ass fucked and beat every fucking day...now he is in a hospital for the criminally insane....a cushy hospital with a nice bed, meds and every other damn thing.....he does not deserve to be in that hospital, he needs to be back in population with inmates...

I feel so much anger welling up inside of me.....I believe that is Sophee....so I will end this entry before she takes over.....

S, T

 

An irregular person

 My son had three sons.  One of them died of cancer at age 9, the others are 8 and 4 yrs old.  After the third son was born, my son told me he got a vasectomy.  But, its a fucking miracle, a granddaughter has been born to his wife....He never got the vasectomy, he lied...he has had a problem with lying every since we adopted him at 7 yrs old.  He also told me he took off work for maternity leave to help with the new baby and to get his covid Vaccine.   He lied again, he never intended to get the vaccine.   None of my kids have the sense to get the vaccine.  So if they get sick and die, I won't care.  But if they bring that illness home to one of the grandsons and I lose another one, I will no longer speak to them again.

I can't believe how stupid and selfish my kids are.....

This new baby is named Everli Jane...named after her fat ass gross disgusting  mother...she named Lane after her mother too....my sons wife has controlled every aspect of my sons life.  She  does not allow him to use any names from  his side of the family to name their kids....she is the biggest fattest pieces of shit trailer trash whore cunt I  have ever known.  Why doesn't the virus find her and kill her sorry ass....???

So am I suppose to be happy about this new granddaughter??? NO FUCKING WAY...this poor child has a shit life in store for her...she will grow up to be a morbidly obese uneducated bitch trailer trash just like her mother and her mothers sisters...they are all horrible shit eaters.....and with her dad lying all the time, she will be a liar on top of that.

I do not accept or acknowledge this baby.  I will never see her, as I am NEVER going back to Oklahoma and I know for a fucking fact, none of my kids will ever come visit me here in VA.  

Deedra replaced Gagey.  Deedra was not the center of attention anymore so she got pregnant...how a female as fat and fucking huge as she is manages to get pregnant I will never know...now with a new baby, Deedra is back on the front line of attention....WHY DOESN'T THAT WHORE BITCH JUST DIE???

My X sent me pictures of the baby...I told him that I will have nothing to do with this child and that she is NOT my granddaughter, but he just threw in my face "yes you are her memaw"....I realize it was not the baby's fault being born, and I feel so fucking bad for this child......I hate that she will be raised with that fat fuck of a mother and a liar dad....she was born with three strikes against her...how sad.  If I was to accept this baby and love her, the hurt and anguish I would feel watching her sorry mother raise her, would continuously wreck my mental stability...I can't and won't go there....

I guess I sound like a heartless bitch myself, but I just don't care.  I do not care for this child, never want to see her, as far as I am concerned this newborn baby is dead to me.....in fact, all my kids are dead to me.

I am a childless woman...never a mother...not anymore...I am nothing to Oklahoma, nothing to my kids, nothing to my grandsons...I am nothing......

I will not be pressured by my X to be a memaw to this poor baby....that little baby has all the shit fuck fat ass selfish pig aunts and relatives she needs....she will grow up and be just like her pathetic mother....I do not want to be a part of that...I will not be a part of that...I refuse to be a part of that....

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So, I have blocked my family on facebook.  I have blocked my sister on my cell as well.  Now I am washing my hands of my kids....I will have nothing to do with a god or jesus, my life is such a fucking disaster....I am effectively isolating myself...I am turning into my mother.....a bitter old fool....great.

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Every time I feel like I am getting ahead of my mental issues, my family intervenes and fucks me up again....when will it stop?  It will never stop....I will never be whole, I will always be broken and beaten, a pathetic excuse for a woman....just like my mother.  I guess I am my mothers daughter after all....I was hoping that I could do something good with my shit life...these Youtube videos I was hoping would help others, but really they only draw more attention to my fucked up head...I am helping no one, in fact, I am hurting myself....I am admitting publicly to a condition that is proof positive I am a monster.   My kids and grandkids are better off not being around me....My mother once told me "you made your bed, now you have to lie in it"....I made my bed by thinking that DID could be accepted and learned from, that it would help others...it does not.  The videos are nothing more than a circus show side attraction for the public, the looky loos, and for people to say yep "she is a freak for sure"....My videos are entertainment for the normal people.....nothing more, nothing less...I am a curiosity at best.

I am a shell of a person, a woman, fragmented and broken, no matter how much glue I use to hold it together, you can still see the cracks and chips, you can see I am flawed, useless and need to be thrown away....My family, my kids, have thrown me away....like the trash I am.....the irregular mom, an irregular person.

S, T, 7

night terrors vs nightmares

 I hate when I have nightmares.  There is a difference between night terrors and nightmares.

I use to have night terrors, I would wake up screaming, or wake up myself thrashing about on the bed...usually I do not remember the "terror" that woke me up, but that it scared me and my heart was racing.....

Nightmares, stay with me.  They include people I love doing or saying things I hate.  I can remember a nightmare.  I remember them so vividly that I think about them all day, I overthink them.....

I had a nightmare, last night.  I dreamed I was about to open a door and heard a man's voice on the other side of the door.  He was talking into a cell phone.  I stood there with my hand on the door nob, listening.  The man was having phone sex with a person on the other end of that phone....a woman...He was saying to her "give it too me", "come for me", and he called her "babygirl"...in my dream, I trusted this man, I thought I loved him...the realization that this man didn't love me, was lying to me, using me, made me feel sick".

  I woke up with a start, and I felt like I needed to vomit.  In fact, the dream seemed so real it actually brought tears to my eyes.  I had to keep telling myself "its only a dream".

But this dream just underscores how insecure I am.  Even in my dreams, I am never enough for anyone.  I can see this very dream happening in real life...I can see it very easily happening to me.  I have never felt worthy of love, not real love.  My biggest fear is being left alone, unloved and untouched.  Every single person that has said "I love you" to me, has failed me.  I cannot accept that I am loveable.  Even in my dream, I am not enough, I am a failure, the man in the dream was finding "sex" with another person, because I obviously could not please him, I was not enough.

I never saw his face in my dream...just heard his voice.  I heard his words, and felt the impact of those words down deep in the pit of my stomach....even after waking and realizing it was only a dream, I still felt sick...nauseous.  

I would rather have a night terror than a nightmare.  Terrors are fleeting, but the nightmares stick with me...eating away at my mind...

So today, I am going to get out and go to an event in downtown Salem.  I am going to try and put the nightmare to rest....but I know that it will linger with me for awhile.

I just hope the memory of the nightmare does not push me over the edge.  I really want to have a good day.

S

Stop

 Every day, Sparrow walks about 2 miles: around her neighborhood.  She picks up trash in the street and pitches newspapers up onto yards (that are left in the street).     She is very mindful of the trash that gets washed into the creek that runs by her place.

This morning, as she was walking, an older lady came out to talk to her.  When she asked her what her name was, she referenced her name with how God loves the little sparrows.  She then said her name means light.  And she proceeded to tell Sparrow how Jesus got her out of darkness and into the light...blah blah blah

Normally Sparrow would have told the lady she was "Wiccan", but she let it slide, because the lady was nice and is helping her in keeping the neighborhood clean.

How could she possibly tell that lady that its the christians that are the problem?  How could she tell that lady what the "christians" in the name of jesus, did to her her?  

Her heart is so heavy....why is it that if someone does something nice or thoughtful or conscientious they  must be christians???  

Every single war in this world is religion based....the covid pandemic is raging, because christians will not get vaccinated...the US government is divided between the "christians on the left and the right"  

Its the christians that are the biggest hypocrites, in fact all religions are hypocritical...all of them.   Christianity is destroying this world, it is brain washing people and fueling "fear"....

What is wrong with just being a good person?  jesus does not make a person good...in fact, it has been our experience that the christians are what is making people bad, or evil.  Christianity is the author of confusion, fear and hypocrisy.

Christians like to play god....christians are against a womens rights to have an abortion, christians are against anything that is pleasurable to the body, sex, alcohol, whatever.

Its the christians that fucked her up as a child, and then continued to fuck with her as she grew up....its the christians that continually try and keep her down...and that christian mentality "I will confess my sin and god will forgive me, and I am good" they get to have their cake and eat it too... its the christians that on sundays are so fucking holy and pious and then live like the "devil" behind closed doors the rest of the week.  Its the christians that are fat fucks, gluttons...with all their pot luck dinners and bible study eateries...and then look down their noses at the "sinners", when they are the biggest sinners of them all...

Its the priests, elders, deacons, sunday school teachers that are molesting young children...

It is the christians that are the liars, self-serving entitled idiots.  Also the muslims, mormons, and all of the religious groups...they are all the same at the core..."FUCKING WAR MONGERERS AND HYPOCRITS"..

If the world would just keep their religion to themselves, and practice it in private, the world would be a much safer, nicer, loving place....

Christians do not practice the bible.  They only pick and choose what versus they want to live by, and then they twist those versus to be self-serving and to further their agenda.

Wiccans and pagans do not do that.  Live and let live, if it harms NONE let it be done.  Honor the environment and respect all living things, and take care of nature.  The wiccans do not litter,  we do not judge others unless it is appropriate to the situation and goes against "let it harm none"...even then, we do not imprison, punish, ridicule or harm or damage others because they are not "believing the way we do"... live and let live.

Wiccans are more entuned to a god than any other religion in the world.  Witchcraft is the oldest religion...was in the world way before christianity and all the other fuck religions were even thought about....

Her heart was crushed, stepped on, spit on, and abused by christians...I can't let the christians continue to "hurt" her...she has finally gotten to a point where she is not thinking about her childhood as much, but then some fucking christian has to push their religion on her, and all the abuse in the name of "god" comes crashing right back...

Wounding her heart again and again....STOP....

7

love Halloween

 I love Halloween, I love everything about it.  It is the one day you can live out your fantasy, and be that person!  One year, I was a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader in uniform and all...so fun to walk around town dressed up....Usually every Halloween I dress up in my black cape and wear my witch hat...

But Halloween for me, allows me to be who I am "A Witch", "Wiccan"...I can dress up in my complete black outfit and walk around town and no one cares!  It's Halloween, I am accepted on Halloween!!!!

But try dressing like a witch around Christmas time....holy fuck...people hate me then!  How incredibly hypocritical and two-faced...hahahaha...

I got a life size skeleton to put on my balcony...he i s named "Mud Lick"...

 

I love skeletons...people think that is freaky but really it is not.  Because everyone has a skeleton...underneath the skin, the color of the skin, the nationality of the skin, the sex of the skeleton is all the same...just bones....skeletons do not mean death to me, they mean life...skeletons are not prejudice, once every single person dies their skin, nationality, race ect...dies with them.  They become bones...like every other living thing, person or animal...we are all THE SAME...OUR SKELETONS ARE ALL THE SAME.  WE ARE ONE AND EQUAL.....

                                        

                                          i AM LOOKING AT MYSELF...

typical 7

 So my day started out pretty good, yesterday...but it took a nose dive...and all of the sudden I went from happy to frustrated, angry and bewildered....huh?

This is DID, one minute happy go lucky, the next minute, angry, suicidal, or sad...Seems my head is in a constant motion, up and down, round and round...evidently if you don't like who I am, then wait a minute...

My advocate tried to explain to me what happened yesterday.  He said it is a regular pattern for me...I get excited or look forward to something, then I sabotage it so it does not happen...well, one of the girls will sabotage it, namely 7.  It seems that she does not want me to be happy, she does not want my heart to soar....she wants to keep it locked up and stagnant....she does this as her way of protecting me, protecting my heart from disappointment or hurt...if I don't expect or look forward to anything, then I don't get let down or hurt.

Once  my advocate explained this to me, it made sense.  I do not have close girlfriends, why?  because that is a threat to my heart...I don't hope for things or want desires fulfilled because I don't want to be let down....this has been my entire life.  I have never allowed myself to be "happy", I am always looking for the other shoe to drop and my life and heart to be turned upside down again....my family has let me down, my friends have let me down, even that stupid ass christian god has let me down....my whole entire life has been one let down after another, and 7 is trying to put a stop to that...in her weird way she feels she is doing the right thing by me....

Here is an example of 7 at work:

I have plans to go on a date.  I am excited about it, and looking forward to it,  I start imagining in my head how the date will pan out....I think about my wardrobe, my hair, my make up, etc....my heart begins to swell with anticipation...

then all the sudden, hear comes the thoughts:  I don't have anything to wear, I look like shit, my hair sucks...he will be too tired to go out...dinner out will make me sick...we will end up in a disagreement...and the date night will turn into disaster night...and I will be left discouraged and heartbroken, this is 7.  

She redirects my thoughts, she tries to circumvent anything from hurting me...she shuts me down and manipulates my emotions into such a state that, I don't want to fucking go out on a date, I don't want to eat, I don't want this or that...that way, in assuring that my "date night" won't happen, she is protecting my heart from being sad....

I hate that this happens, and for whatever its worth, she feels she is doing me a favor, but she is really not.  She is hurting me even more, by manipulating my heart.

7 will cause me to doubt myself, and doubt everyone and everything around me...she still does not trust my advocate the way the other girls do...she will try and sabotage our relationship every chance she can get...My guess is that she still believes that he will hurt me, exploit me/us for his gain.  

As of right now, 9 am, I am looking forward to this evening and going downtown for labor day festivals and stuff, being with my advocate and having a fun time....

If we actually make it to the events, will be another matter...if she thinks this "date" is not good for me,  then the self-sabotage will begin...and we will never make it downtown...we will stay in my apartment and watch TV.....

I am not getting my hopes up, nor am I going to really plan on going downtown, that way when it doesn't happen, I will be fine, no expectations...

This is my life...this is DID...a constant battle of wills in my head....

Sparrow

PS  Found out a little more about 7.  7 is neither female or male.  7 does not identify as one sex or another.  I refer to her as a "she" because all the others are female and the host body is female.  But 7 is just 7.