Tug-o-war

 I am so tired of the war in my head.  I have conflicting thoughts all the time, my head hurts all the time, I never know who is going to pop out.  Supposedly, they only come out when triggered... my very breathing, I guess, is a trigger for them, they seem to be out all the fucking time....I can only account for my day, in bits and pieces....the cigarettes that 7 and Sophee smokes are damn near empty...they are smoking too much, and I hate that...I hate smoking...

7 is causing me so much emotional pain....

Its like my heart is telling me one thing, but my brain is telling me  seven things...I cannot get my heart and my head to cohabitate....

Since 7 has come forward...it is like I have been punished and pushed even further back...I am so mentally tired all the time...mental fatigue....

Sometimes my body wants something, but the girls in my head fight against it, making me confused, angry and empty.  How can you really want something but at the same time,  fight against it?  Its a constant tug-o-war.  I feel sometimes that I am being ripped in half...

My advocate put out a video...calling for patience, trust and empathy when being in a relationship with someone who has DID.....I certainly test that statement on a regular basis...or my girls do...I don't know...

The past couple of days have been so bad between me and him....not because of him, but because of me...I am a monster, a relationship killer, and a worthless confused old woman.

He should have said "Run...run from people who have DID, they will fuck you up, do not get into a relationship with them..."  He should have talked about the constant fighting, arguing, the constant memory issues, the constant switch in personalities, the ugliness of DID....it is truly an ugly condition, and I wish I could take a pill and make the DID go away....instead more personalities keep coming forward....its a goddamn war.  THAT IS WHAT HE NEEDS TO TALK ABOUT...TO WARN PEOPLE AGAINST BEING WITH PEOPLE LIKE ME.

We are exhausting to be around...If I had known that I had this condition, years ago, I would never have gotten married, I would never have gotten into any relationship, in fact I would have ended my life....ended our lives...but I didnt know, I was hoping everything was because of brain tumors....

I keep hoping that I will get better, that I could be able to manage these personalities and control them better...that my advocate would not be abused constantly by them...I wish I could get rid of them....I HATE DID...DID means no control.

I am a freak...I am a monster...we are monsters...monsters in my head destroying everything, because they can...

I want a drug to make it all go away....

S