no conscience for alters

 This last trip back west I was hoping would bring some healing for me in regards to my family....and it did in some ways...but...

But in regards to my advocates family, the trip with me, brought only more discord, erratic behavior, and irritation...My advocate brought his young son with us on this trip, to meet his other kids and family members.  I was 100% for this, I wanted his son to come on the trip...I had no ideal how wrong I would be in wanting just that...

I neglected to think about his son, when it came to my alters...I neglected to think about my panic attacks and how they would scare or bother his son....I neglected to remember that I am an uncontrollable at times, monster.

This kid witnessed ME at full throttle...he saw me in a way he has never seen me before...He saw my over the top panic attack...

he heard me yelling at his dad, him...my alters yelled at him...scared him....

I am sure he even witnessed Sophee putting a cigarette out on my arm...he witnessed the MONSTER...which is me.  Him and Boomer were perfect travelers...they did not cause any problems...IT WAS ALL ME, ALL 7, ALL SOPHEE...

I can't even imagine what he has told his mom about the trip and me....I am so embarrassed by the way I acted..I wish I could control the girls better....that kid can't unsee what he has seen and he can't unhear what he has heard....

My/our behavior put my advocate in a very hard position...take care of me, but also love and protect his son....protect his son from me...protect his sons eyes and ears from me...and deal with his own drama surrounding his kids....he was overwhelmed..and of course the mature adult in me was of absolutely no help to him at all.

I am such a fucking burden for him....I hate myself, more now than ever...I was instrumentally responsible for this entire trip going to shit....Its all on me!  

It is better that I have no friends, I am not friend material.  I am not relationship material..I am not even material at all...

I am nothing.

I can't even ask for forgiveness, because they will just turn around and act the same way again....alters do not have a conscience...and they are never sorry...

S,7