Can't live in the past....

 So, yesterday I sent my dad a text telling him that I had made it home safely from our trip.(I had been back a week)  Not one single family member texted or called me to see if I had made it home safely.  Not one.  I mentioned that to my dad....and I followed that with, everybody gets divorced, you, mom, taryn, yet I split with my husband and I am all the sudden "bad"...

His reply was "the past is the past", "we can't live in the past", you have to live with the consequences of your choices.....so basically he was telling me to fuck off you loser bitch. Yes, I left...but I left to save my life...not because I was bored or whatever...everyone knows that, yet...not one person cared enough for me to ask if I made it home safely.  

I was so crushed by his response...I thought he loved me, out of all in my family I thought he understood and loved me...I was wrong.  The decisions of his wife (my mother) and the consequences I had to endure because SHE turned a blind eye to the abuse,  now I have to live with that...and I am trying to do just that....

Don't live in the past>>>>THE FUCK????  Nobody has ever asked me to forgive them...no one has ever said to me "I am so sorry for what happened",  it has been hushed and swept under the carpet.  Of course they can go on and not live in the past...they were not the ones savagely abused and traumatized over and over...so fucking easy for them to say "the past is the past"....every time I have a memory..it is as if it is happening right now...not 50 years ago...you can't live in the past when your memories are in the present...

The past formed who I am....I live every fucking day with the past.....the past nearly killed me, it destroyed my marriage, it destroyed my mind to the point I split.  My brain split and now I have to live and try and manage a life with alters all because of the past, so how the fuck can I just forget about it and move on...??

Seems my mom, and now my dad, can just forget and go on...after all, they weren't the ones abused,  they aren't the ones that have to live with this mental condition,  he is a cushy preacher and mom is a hermit.   I guess his god has cleansed his conscience and made him guilt free...mom too...how nice for them...to live in the present and not deal with the past.  

If I ever thought about going back to Oklahoma city even a little...my dads response to my phone call just slammed the door shut, locked it, bolted it and sealed it...I will never go back to Oklahoma City.  It is painfully obvious now that my family really does not care a shit about me....

Yesterday was a hard hard day....I only remember bits and pieces of it, which means the girls were out trying to keep me calm and protect my heart...

On top of all of that...I am dealing with rejection and frustration in another area of my life...I miss my life when I first got to Virginia.  The excitement and adventure...but after 3 yrs, I still have no friends and have to rely 100% on my advocate...I am still alone all day,  and now I am alone at night...Its been so long and I am so tired, I don't even miss it anymore...

My new normal "No family",  my only friends are the critters that surround me and my dog.  Even my advocate is weary of me...I am that exhausting...

I am such a loser....

S,T,7