babysitting

 one of the hardest aspects of having DID, is it is not only me, Sparrow and my life, but it is their life too....things I want or desire, are dismissed because they may hurt or upset an alter.  

I have to share myself with myself.  That sounds so fucking stupid, but it is true.  I have so many desires and needs and wants, but I cannot have them because of the girls.  Especially the little Ally.  

I get so angry with them, myself, me...I am trying to get use to the ideal of two of them smoking...of them wanting to eat meat...or them telling the advocate to not do this or that..

It is like they are babysitters in my head.  I am not an independent woman.  I am babysat by my advocate and my alters....some things I really need for me, my emotional state, but because of Ally, I can't have those things...those desires, those fantasies...because they will upset the little or one of the other girls, and it causes my advocate to tip toe around me and treat me like a child.

I hate having this condition...I will never be whole..a whole woman, one complete person...because of the DID, I have to be so fucking careful to not trigger anyone...well fuck that.  If I want something, but am told I can't have it because of Ally or one of the others, that upsets me.   It makes me very angry, and disgusted with myself.

Sparrow is lost in a sea of alters...only 1/8 of a person.   I can't even think for myself, I have to think about them.....all my decisions have to cater around them.  

My head is in prison...serving a life sentence....

Sparrow