I wish I had never been made aware of my DID
it proves my life is a mess...
Before, when I didn't know,
I was comfortable, so long ago.
Now, I have to deal with a crowd,
the mess, that has left me endowed.
My emotions are not my own,
I can't even be left alone..
Tip toe around me,
and you will likely see,
the disaster I am,
the sacrificial lamb.
who is in my head?
too many, to count,
which leaves me in doubt,
who am I?
I wish I knew,
all I know is I'm a crew...
Sparrow
one of the hardest aspects of having DID, is it is not only me, Sparrow and my life, but it is their life too....things I want or desire, are dismissed because they may hurt or upset an alter.
I have to share myself with myself. That sounds so fucking stupid, but it is true. I have so many desires and needs and wants, but I cannot have them because of the girls. Especially the little Ally.
I get so angry with them, myself, me...I am trying to get use to the ideal of two of them smoking...of them wanting to eat meat...or them telling the advocate to not do this or that..
It is like they are babysitters in my head. I am not an independent woman. I am babysat by my advocate and my alters....some things I really need for me, my emotional state, but because of Ally, I can't have those things...those desires, those fantasies...because they will upset the little or one of the other girls, and it causes my advocate to tip toe around me and treat me like a child.
I hate having this condition...I will never be whole..a whole woman, one complete person...because of the DID, I have to be so fucking careful to not trigger anyone...well fuck that. If I want something, but am told I can't have it because of Ally or one of the others, that upsets me. It makes me very angry, and disgusted with myself.
Sparrow is lost in a sea of alters...only 1/8 of a person. I can't even think for myself, I have to think about them.....all my decisions have to cater around them.
My head is in prison...serving a life sentence....
Sparrow
Well, since the girls won't blog anymore, that just leaves me, Sparrow.
I have been watching the fiasco and gigantic clusterfuck which is the Americans leaving Afghanistan. soldiers are being killed trying to help out the people....I say, fuck them, they are Afghan citizens let them worry about getting there own selves out. The citizens of Afghanistan, just basically rolled over for the Taliban...the men of that nation are nothing but puss ass whimps...instead of fighting for their democracy, they just let the Taliban come right on in and take up shop......
If they are too weak assed to fight for their country, then why the fuck should we fight for their country???
I am all about pulling out of Afghanistan, but I feel there could have been an easier way, then just all the sudden pulling up stakes....President Biden is more of an ass than Trump ever thought of being.....Biden acts like a fucking grandfather, not a President.
on another note....I have poison oak...and it is fucking driving me up the goddamn wall...can't sleep at night for the damn itching...not sure where I picked it up from, either cutting bushes back or from Boomer....but either way I DO NOT LIKE THIS RASH...
when we got back from our trip, I texted my dad and told him I made it home safely and I was annoyed that no one called or texted to see if I had made it back...My dad said that "I have to accept the consequences of my actions" (as in leaving OK)....well fuck him....then wednesday night, he sent me a text saying he loves me and misses me???? The fuck???? then the very next day, Cory sends me a text saying "I love you"...the fuck again??? I think Cory and my dad got their heads together...I feel like they are trying another tact to get me to move back to OK. IT WON'T HAPPEN. whatever...
My head hurts, I am itchy and fucking tired as hell and I don't want to be a part of their games...
Also, I had another memory....it was not a horrible one, but still abuse of a child...more of the bullshit I endured as a kid....When will the memories end?????
Sparrow
So, we reference this blog, occasionally on facebook...But we have been informed that our blogs are too graphic, to honest and too real.
They do not help anybody with DID. we are now suppose to blog about how the alters are helping us with this disorder, helping us to cope with memories, emotions etc....
We are not allowed to have an opinion about religion (so as to not offend anyone), We are not allowed to blog anything that is uncomfortable for anyone reading this...
All we know is, that if we cannot vent, scream, yell, and voice our opinions, or just be us, whoever that may be at the time...we have to now be gagged. We have to protect everyone else's feelings at the expense of our own.
Yep...our whole life has been about being silent, and not saying or doing anything to hurt someone else...
The girls now feel comfortable blogging, only to be censored by the advocate. So If we cannot blog the real us, then we will not blog at all, not anymore.
Our blog is now closed.
7, T, sophee
I did not have any friends growing up. Because of my home life, I kept all friendships away. I did not want them to see what happened behind those closed doors. So, to adapt to having "no friends" I would play with the fingers on my hands, the few toys I had or the rocks on the ground, sticks, whatever I found. I also would play with my mind. I would dream of being a princess running from a bad king. Or that I was invisible and no one could see me...I pretended all the time. For the longest time, I kept my playing to myself..but as I got a little older, I would start to talk about what I dream about. By the time I started voicing those imaginary friends from my dreams out loud, my heart started believing them.
For example: I believed this all the way up until I was around 9 yrs old:
I believed that there were hundreds of tiny little people living inside my body. that they all had a specific function. Some would catch the food with baskets as it cascaded down my throat when I ate, and others would bath or shower in the water I drank. More little people sat behind my eyes, directing my vision, and some would sit in my ears, listening...
such silly childish thoughts, innocent play, imaginary play. Fun.
Another silly thing I thought, until I was 10ish, was that all dogs were boys, and all cats were girls. I truly believed this. Crazy huh?? haha
After I was 9, I started having real friends, all the other little kids (which were all boys) in the neighborhood, and the silly illusions became just that, silly illusions.
Fast forward 50 yrs.
The little people inside my body? Are now, in reality, alters. Alternate personalities each with a specific duty or job to do....wow....my alters were created when I was very young, 4-7 age range..and my child mind likened them to imaginary playmates...
That almost sounds schizophrenic except that, none of those imaginary playmates ever spoke to me, I never spoke to them, I never heard them...they were just there when I needed them to distract me.
My alters started presenting as soon as they were born...just in a way for a child to handle and deal with. because they were children too...
I am not sure why I felt compelled to write about this and draw the distinction. But it just struck me out of the blue, so I wanted to jot it down.
Sparrow
Having DID is a war zone. Constant fighting and jockeying for position...the battle bruises my arms, cuts my arms, burns me...it is a word war in my head "you are stupid, worthless, ugly, gross, a monster"...so I am getting beat up physically and mentally...all the fucking damn time...or so it seems...
Sometimes there are "peace talks" and a "treaty can be booked", but those never last long...alters fight dirty, because they can...
They try and take charge every chance they get....they deliberately do things they know Sparrow hates...eating meat, smoking....
They never get tired or run out of ammunition. They are always ready to fight either Sparrow or anyone else that threatens them. They do not care about rules, there is no United Nations or Crimes against humanity clauses...they do as they please, much like the Taliban....
We have our own rules and ideology, our own beliefs...We hate the enemy, which most of the time is Sparrow, because she refuses to surrender...
We can leave destruction in our wake...broken dishes, holes in walls, trashed house and furniture, and we don't care...collateral damage.
We have one agenda....Take care of the host...no matter the cost...fight...and we do...just like the Taliban one agenda is their religion. We are no different than any other enemy of the state, we fight for our cause and tough on those who get in the way....
We do not respect the law of the land, rules or ordinances. Those rules do not apply to us.
We feel no pain so we can fight forever...for example: Sophee put a joint and a cigarette out on her arm...she did not feel a thing, because Sophee feels no pain, it is not until sophee leaves, that the pain and burning starts. All the alters are like that...
Also having DID is an unwinnable war...there are no winners, only one loser, Sparrow. Sparrow will never win the war, we are too strong, too mean and indestructible. The only thing to strive and fight for is Peace between the personalities...A truce of sorts...
Sparrow waves the white flag all the time, but we yank it down and stomp on it...We will never surrender, never leave and she will never have peace in her soul. She can never kill us or put us in prison, there are too many of us against one of her.....
We will win this war, we already have.
S, 7, sophee, T
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I am not sure who wrote what...I remember starting this blog about DID being a war zone in my head, but it seems they took over my writing..I wish I knew exactly who wrote what and why....this post is as confusing to me as it must be to anybody reading it...
Sparrow
I am so tired of the war in my head. I have conflicting thoughts all the time, my head hurts all the time, I never know who is going to pop out. Supposedly, they only come out when triggered... my very breathing, I guess, is a trigger for them, they seem to be out all the fucking time....I can only account for my day, in bits and pieces....the cigarettes that 7 and Sophee smokes are damn near empty...they are smoking too much, and I hate that...I hate smoking...
7 is causing me so much emotional pain....
Its like my heart is telling me one thing, but my brain is telling me seven things...I cannot get my heart and my head to cohabitate....
Since 7 has come forward...it is like I have been punished and pushed even further back...I am so mentally tired all the time...mental fatigue....
Sometimes my body wants something, but the girls in my head fight against it, making me confused, angry and empty. How can you really want something but at the same time, fight against it? Its a constant tug-o-war. I feel sometimes that I am being ripped in half...
My advocate put out a video...calling for patience, trust and empathy when being in a relationship with someone who has DID.....I certainly test that statement on a regular basis...or my girls do...I don't know...
The past couple of days have been so bad between me and him....not because of him, but because of me...I am a monster, a relationship killer, and a worthless confused old woman.
He should have said "Run...run from people who have DID, they will fuck you up, do not get into a relationship with them..." He should have talked about the constant fighting, arguing, the constant memory issues, the constant switch in personalities, the ugliness of DID....it is truly an ugly condition, and I wish I could take a pill and make the DID go away....instead more personalities keep coming forward....its a goddamn war. THAT IS WHAT HE NEEDS TO TALK ABOUT...TO WARN PEOPLE AGAINST BEING WITH PEOPLE LIKE ME.
We are exhausting to be around...If I had known that I had this condition, years ago, I would never have gotten married, I would never have gotten into any relationship, in fact I would have ended my life....ended our lives...but I didnt know, I was hoping everything was because of brain tumors....
I keep hoping that I will get better, that I could be able to manage these personalities and control them better...that my advocate would not be abused constantly by them...I wish I could get rid of them....I HATE DID...DID means no control.
I am a freak...I am a monster...we are monsters...monsters in my head destroying everything, because they can...
I want a drug to make it all go away....
S
This last trip back west I was hoping would bring some healing for me in regards to my family....and it did in some ways...but...
But in regards to my advocates family, the trip with me, brought only more discord, erratic behavior, and irritation...My advocate brought his young son with us on this trip, to meet his other kids and family members. I was 100% for this, I wanted his son to come on the trip...I had no ideal how wrong I would be in wanting just that...
I neglected to think about his son, when it came to my alters...I neglected to think about my panic attacks and how they would scare or bother his son....I neglected to remember that I am an uncontrollable at times, monster.
This kid witnessed ME at full throttle...he saw me in a way he has never seen me before...He saw my over the top panic attack...
he heard me yelling at his dad, him...my alters yelled at him...scared him....
I am sure he even witnessed Sophee putting a cigarette out on my arm...he witnessed the MONSTER...which is me. Him and Boomer were perfect travelers...they did not cause any problems...IT WAS ALL ME, ALL 7, ALL SOPHEE...
I can't even imagine what he has told his mom about the trip and me....I am so embarrassed by the way I acted..I wish I could control the girls better....that kid can't unsee what he has seen and he can't unhear what he has heard....
My/our behavior put my advocate in a very hard position...take care of me, but also love and protect his son....protect his son from me...protect his sons eyes and ears from me...and deal with his own drama surrounding his kids....he was overwhelmed..and of course the mature adult in me was of absolutely no help to him at all.
I am such a fucking burden for him....I hate myself, more now than ever...I was instrumentally responsible for this entire trip going to shit....Its all on me!
It is better that I have no friends, I am not friend material. I am not relationship material..I am not even material at all...
I am nothing.
I can't even ask for forgiveness, because they will just turn around and act the same way again....alters do not have a conscience...and they are never sorry...
S,7
So yesterday, I decided to give my Advocate a break from me/us. The trip was a disaster, and the days following the trip have been disasters too...and it is all because of me....I am that disaster.
Because of my alters, my head and emotions or non-emotions are all over the fucking place. I am exhausting to fucking be around....so I decided to have a me day...so I got dressed and went to Schooners (to have dinner and a beer)...The place was mostly empty except for the regulars....I went in, ordered my meal, then went outside to wait on it. I had no sooner sat down than some man comes up and starts talking to me. His name was Robin, and he thought it was "kismit" that my same was sparrow. Now he is following me back into the bar, and sits down right beside me...because, hey, we are "birds of a feather" according to him. He was loud, gross and drunk....he dominated any conversation I was trying to have either with the bartender or the owner of Schooners...He kept wanting to "toast" and clink our bottles together, because we were both "birds"...I wanted to punch him in the face.....I finally had enough and didn't even finish my 2 beer, because I just wanted to get the fuck away from this "full of himself" male....
I can never go anywhere to be alone. A woman drinking alone in a bar, obviously means she wants company and to fuck all the guys there.....NOT...It amazes me how much guys think their dicks are the biggest and the baddest...He was nothing but pathetic to me.
So I came home, and stared at the walls....there is literally no where I can go, and nothing to do...I enjoy hiking with boomer, but sometimes I want to be around people, to feel like I am an actual part of the human race....but every time I go anyplace alone, men think they have to hit on me...sooooooooooooo aggravating.
John would say its because I am not wearing a bra, so that obviously means...no bra, fuck me......shit. Because we all know clothing is what gets men all consumed with their dicks.
I went to bed around 8 ish pm.....had horrible dreams all night...not memory bad dreams, but dreams that were frustrating and I slept terrible, fitful.
I so wish I had a female friend to hang out with, do girl stuff...I am so tired of being alone...my advocate is my friend, but he is a he. One of the biggest frustrations for me is that women just flat don't like me...they give lip service, yea lets hang out...but it never happens...I am so gross, ugly, disgusting, and my head contains 7 monsters,,,I mean really...would I even want to hang out with somebody like me?"
HMMMMMMM, probably not....
S
So, yesterday I sent my dad a text telling him that I had made it home safely from our trip.(I had been back a week) Not one single family member texted or called me to see if I had made it home safely. Not one. I mentioned that to my dad....and I followed that with, everybody gets divorced, you, mom, taryn, yet I split with my husband and I am all the sudden "bad"...
His reply was "the past is the past", "we can't live in the past", you have to live with the consequences of your choices.....so basically he was telling me to fuck off you loser bitch. Yes, I left...but I left to save my life...not because I was bored or whatever...everyone knows that, yet...not one person cared enough for me to ask if I made it home safely.
I was so crushed by his response...I thought he loved me, out of all in my family I thought he understood and loved me...I was wrong. The decisions of his wife (my mother) and the consequences I had to endure because SHE turned a blind eye to the abuse, now I have to live with that...and I am trying to do just that....
Don't live in the past>>>>THE FUCK???? Nobody has ever asked me to forgive them...no one has ever said to me "I am so sorry for what happened", it has been hushed and swept under the carpet. Of course they can go on and not live in the past...they were not the ones savagely abused and traumatized over and over...so fucking easy for them to say "the past is the past"....every time I have a memory..it is as if it is happening right now...not 50 years ago...you can't live in the past when your memories are in the present...
The past formed who I am....I live every fucking day with the past.....the past nearly killed me, it destroyed my marriage, it destroyed my mind to the point I split. My brain split and now I have to live and try and manage a life with alters all because of the past, so how the fuck can I just forget about it and move on...??
Seems my mom, and now my dad, can just forget and go on...after all, they weren't the ones abused, they aren't the ones that have to live with this mental condition, he is a cushy preacher and mom is a hermit. I guess his god has cleansed his conscience and made him guilt free...mom too...how nice for them...to live in the present and not deal with the past.
If I ever thought about going back to Oklahoma city even a little...my dads response to my phone call just slammed the door shut, locked it, bolted it and sealed it...I will never go back to Oklahoma City. It is painfully obvious now that my family really does not care a shit about me....
Yesterday was a hard hard day....I only remember bits and pieces of it, which means the girls were out trying to keep me calm and protect my heart...
On top of all of that...I am dealing with rejection and frustration in another area of my life...I miss my life when I first got to Virginia. The excitement and adventure...but after 3 yrs, I still have no friends and have to rely 100% on my advocate...I am still alone all day, and now I am alone at night...Its been so long and I am so tired, I don't even miss it anymore...
My new normal "No family", my only friends are the critters that surround me and my dog. Even my advocate is weary of me...I am that exhausting...
I am such a loser....
S,T,7
Boomer came with me when I moved to Virginia. I had only had him about a yr before we left Oklahoma. Boomer is a "special needs" dog..in that, he is very skittish of people and children. He is afraid of loud sudden noises. When walking in the neighborhood, he jerks away from all the parked cars. He also has abandonment issues, he cannot be without me, he has constant fear that I am going to leave him. No matter how I try and love him, to be his "mommy", he has those issues.
During this last long drive, Boomer was so good in the jeep. But getting in and out of the jeep to pee, or go to another hotel..I could tell the stress he was under. He barely ate any food, even his treats, and he drank lots of water.
I was thinking about Boomer and comparing him to myself...him and I are not that unalike...I had a fear of adults, sudden noises, cars, abandonment issues...I was Boomer and Boomer was me. We both "survived" the 4500 mile trip together. To be home is the greatest feeling in the world.
I took Boomer to the cove, his favorite place, and we hiked and he got to run and jump and roll and play in the lake...he was free and there was nothing around to scare him.
Just like the girls in my head...we are all a package deal. The trip has told my advocate one thing that is for certain..."I DO NOT LIKE BEING COUPED UP IN A CAR"...even his 9 yr old son and Boomer did better than I did....ugh....but to my defense, I don't think it was all Sparrow!
For my own sanity and Boomers, I will not be making that kind of a trip again...at least not for a very long long time...hopefully someone will come and see me...
I am so glad to be home...to breathe
to be me/us
S,T
I am slowly starting to climb out of this fucking depression cave....Taking Boomer to the lake and watching him Zoom around, does wonders for my head. Boomer is so happy to be home, and so am I.
I talked with my x husband on the phone yesterday and told him I would not be coming back to Oklahoma and why. He understands and really only wants the best for me.
Its sad that my head (all my girls) are so against my family and traveling. Where I forget wrongs done to me, they do not forget, EVER. They see and remember what I cannot, so they look after me in a way that I am not even aware of.
They can see past sentiment, love, forgiveness, whatever...my heart, does not affect them, they are straight to the point, and will do what is necessary to keep my head above water. Period.
My girls see bullshit, likes, and they see my heart being jerked around so much by my family...they see me "wanting" a relationship with my family, but they also know my family and they know I will never get, have or obtain any real familial love or sense of family with them...
I am not sure when or even if our Youtube Videos will continue, the only thing I am sure of, is this....having alters is a fucking freak show. Imagine someone else having control over your body and mind...now imagine that person is you!!!!! fuck
S
