spaghetti bowl

 I am so weary and tired of having DID.  When I had no clue I had the disorder,  I was blissfully ignorant and everyone just called me "quirky"...I could live with that...I did live with that....

Yes, I had severe depression, yes I  thought about suicide every day....when I found out about the DID, it did not change things.  It was not a "light bulb" moment...instead the depression and suicidal thoughts continued, and now KNOWING about the disorder has made the depression and thoughts worse.  Now I know that I am fucked up.  Really a type of freak.

I am constantly at war with myself....Sparrow may feel one way, but the rest of the girls feel other ways, and translated "I just don't know what the fuck is going on inside me"...

You have seen those "mix master, spaghetti's bowl highway roads", well that is my brain with each girl going in a different direction...constantly pulling at my brain and my emotions.  Half the time, I feel I am veering off the road all the fucking time...

I have learned one thing thru this entire road trip...I cannot travel anymore.  

Maybe I am turning into my mother, becoming agoraphobic and anti-social...I just want to go home, go into my treehouse and never come out.  After all, I am my mothers daughter...

But in reality...I am nothing but a pathetic co-pilot...I have so many fucking fears, and the anxiety I feel almost all the damn time is exacerbated by the girls and their issues and mine...

When I saw my husband a week ago, he looked so sad...still wearing his wedding band, and he cried when I told him good bye.  How did that make me feel??? sad, like a murderer.  I feel like I have ruined his life, ruined the nice family we had...I destroyed everything.  That is what I do, destroy people.  I am sure it broke Tessa's heart to see John that way.  She loved him.  I feel like a monster...a selfish self-centered person that only thinks of herself, and my own happiness and doesn't give a damn I have destroyed my kids, John and my relationships with all that have the misfortune of veering into my lane...

I could never apologize enough for my horrible life and the decisions I have made that broke up a family....

Anyhow, I am gonna stop now...as I am once again fixating on death....once again, I am nothing but a goddamn monster...

At my advocates house, Ally saw his granddaughters dollhouse and came out.  His daughter noticed....so, now she knows I am nothing but a pathetic freak...reading about it on facebook is one thing...seeing it in action is mortifying and beyond embarrassing for me......my panic attacks are embarrassing to me, everything about me is fucking embarrassing and pathetic.   I fucking read rejection into everything, and I never feel like I belong, like I am part of a crowd...the only crowd I am a part of, and don't want to be a part of, is the crowd in my head....

I will never accept or embrace this condition.   It is the most embarrassing disorder in the entire world.....I might as well have been born with 8 heads attached to my neck...I am nothing but a monster, a freak, and a sorry excuse for a living breathing human.

S