So, I am in a weird funk....as the day gets closer to us leaving for vacation, the more I feel funky...I cannot decide how I feel...am I happy to see my kids? Am I happy to visit Alamogordo? Am I happy to visit Oklahoma City? fuck, I don't know.
I am extremely apprehensive and nervous....on the one hand, I can't wait to see my grandsons, but on the other hand, I really do not want to see anybody else...my grandsons won't ridicule or judge me like the rest will do..am I ready for that??
I do not think all my girls are "on board" with this trip. The uneasy feeling I have may be them, or some of them not "wanting" to go...they know how hard it is for me to be around my family...they experienced first hand the way I was treated by them....they do not like my mother or sister. At least my sister won't be there!
But, if my mom shows up....fuck....
On another note: Gagey tree is dying. It has severe iron deficiency and the arborrist wants 185.00 per treatment, for two or more treatments....FUCK THAT SHIT
IF GAGEY WANTS HIS TREE, THEN LET THE DAMN THING DIE.
Everything and everyone dies anyway....my rats, the tree,....I am not going to fight for a tree. I tried to honor Gage with the tree, I did everything the correct way in buying and planting the tree...I have loved that tree, water it, fed it, and it still wants to die. That tells me, that Gagey wants his tree.
The tree will be dead by the time we get back from vacation...just like Gagey and the rats...dead dead dead.... Don't even care anymore....don't fucking care if everything dies...7
I guess the tree dying is Karma for me not attending Gagey funeral. Since I decided to skip his funeral, karma has decided that his tree must die. figures
S.
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