too much

 I am so scared.  I seem to being going down,

I am so weary.  I seem to not care at all.

Is this what a breakdown feels like?

I don't know, I have never been up..

This seems so familiar to me...

My gentle blanket of depression.

I have been pushed to my limits...

I can't get out of my head,

I would be better off dead.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I seem to be struggling...ever since I hit Mila...then the disaster trip...the constant arguing and feelings of abandonment and betrayal...The goddamn girls all over the place...the trip was too much for me/us....I cannot shake the poison cobwebs,  so tired of it all....

I was not speeding or breaking the law when I hit Mila.  I braked so hard I veered to the center medium, I would have driven off a fucking cliff to save that dog had I had the choice....wish I had...my misery would be over and Mila would have 4 legs....

S,7,T

Disaster trip

 So we just got home from a 4500 mile car trip.  And it was a fucking  nightmare.  There were only a few times we actually had a good time,  very few.  My advocate and his son had all the good times mostly.  He took  him to see his family, to white sands, etc...I am hoping that his kid had a good time...but...

His kid saw 7, Sophee, fucking all of them....7 yelled at him, and he saw what kind of a monster I really am....I cannot do being in a car that long....it is so fucking hard, I try and talk to my advocate but he doesn't hear me, or he is listening to his ear fob for directions or whatever...so he  cannot be talked to while he is driving....he drove the whole way.

Evidently he did not trust my driving as I asked a couple times and he said "nope".  Driving would have helped my mental state....but sitting in a goddamn car,  is too much.  

I saw my kids on one day.   And that was nice, even Cory hugged me and apologized.  

But the rest of the trip was for my advocate and his son.  I was just the third wheel...I hated Alamogordo, I hated all that fucking driving.  

Here is a question:  If you are talking to someone, and they do not answer or even acknowledge that you spoke, then we you call them out "did you hear me?" and they say "I hear you"...is it wrong of me to feel like I am being ignored?????  Is it wrong of me to want some type of indication that the person I am talking too is listening???

Every time I tried to talk to my advocate while he was driving, all I got was crickets...then when I said anything like "are you listening, or did you hear me?"  He got mad at me....this happened over and over to the point that I snapped and that is when that ugly bitch 7 took over....in front of his kid.

And........I am not allowed to offer any parental guidance or suggestions about his son.  We got into a huge confrontation just over my pointing out that his son should be in swimming.  Then I tried to give his son "healthy" food over fucking junk (because his son is very overweight for a 9 yr old) and guess what??? pop, fast food, candy and junk was what his son ate, despite me buying him more healthy foods....I did get that kid to drink apple juice.  His mother has him on medication for constipation...but that is because she feeds him and herself junk....junk leads to constipation.  I told him to start drinking apple juice, he did, and he did not have that problem.  BUT I DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT.....I HAVE NEVER RAISED KIDS BEFORE, SO WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW.

before the trip I bought his son books to read.  I bought him a trophy with $10 inside, that he could have if he read all those books.....the books were very easy for him to read, childrens books....I thought him reading books would help in the long car ride....but again, I was not supported at all...he did not want to read, and his dad did not encourage it at all.  His son was content to play video games on his little tablet.  READING, I GUESS IS NOT A REQUIREMENT FOR KIDS ANYMORE.  He is going into the 4rth grade, but barely can read.....whatever.  So, I threw out the trophy and kept the money.  Again, I am not his mom so any suggestions I have are shit for brains....I will NEVER do anything to try and HELP his son....I am useless, stupid and not his parent.  My suggestions are shit.

This I do know.  I am not his mother, not his step mother, not anything and I will no longer suggest ANY DAMN THING that has to do with him.  If my advocate and his sons mother don't give a shit about his obesity (he weighs what I weigh and I am 60) and don't give a fuck what he watches on TV, or what he puts in his mouth, then neither should I.  Let him grow up to be a big fat couch potato...I don't have to pay his medical bills for juvenile diabetes which he is already on the fast track of getting (if he doesn't have it already)...but my advocate has too...and I guess he has money to burn and throw away.....

I have decided that whenever my advocate has his son, I will not be involved.  He can spend the couple of days with him then take him back.  I do not want to be a part of that at all.....I can't stand how spoiled that kid is, and how fat he is...and what I can't stand the most WHY THEY CONTINUE TO LET THAT KID KILL HIMSELF...which is what is happening with his weight.

I am also done with traveling.  I will not ever drive back to Oklahoma...you know highways go both ways....if my family can't find the time to come see me...then they can fuck themselves.  I am alone, as I should be.

So for me, 4500 miles was nothing but prison.  In alamo, I got to meet some friends from face book, and that was nice.  I enjoyed seeing and visiting with them...but once we left them...the rest of the stay was a nightmare.   I believe the girls had more of a vacation than I did.  I was completely alone....

Then I finally get home and check my mailbox.  It was full of mail.  I had stopped my mail to resume or be picked up on Aug. 1...we got home July 29 and my mailbox was full....

GODDAMN FUCKING POSTAL SERVICE, THEY WILL BE H EARING FROM ME.

This whole trip was a clusterfuck from beginning to end....

I don't even fucking know how to sign this entry....

All of us.

spaghetti bowl

 I am so weary and tired of having DID.  When I had no clue I had the disorder,  I was blissfully ignorant and everyone just called me "quirky"...I could live with that...I did live with that....

Yes, I had severe depression, yes I  thought about suicide every day....when I found out about the DID, it did not change things.  It was not a "light bulb" moment...instead the depression and suicidal thoughts continued, and now KNOWING about the disorder has made the depression and thoughts worse.  Now I know that I am fucked up.  Really a type of freak.

I am constantly at war with myself....Sparrow may feel one way, but the rest of the girls feel other ways, and translated "I just don't know what the fuck is going on inside me"...

You have seen those "mix master, spaghetti's bowl highway roads", well that is my brain with each girl going in a different direction...constantly pulling at my brain and my emotions.  Half the time, I feel I am veering off the road all the fucking time...

I have learned one thing thru this entire road trip...I cannot travel anymore.  

Maybe I am turning into my mother, becoming agoraphobic and anti-social...I just want to go home, go into my treehouse and never come out.  After all, I am my mothers daughter...

But in reality...I am nothing but a pathetic co-pilot...I have so many fucking fears, and the anxiety I feel almost all the damn time is exacerbated by the girls and their issues and mine...

When I saw my husband a week ago, he looked so sad...still wearing his wedding band, and he cried when I told him good bye.  How did that make me feel??? sad, like a murderer.  I feel like I have ruined his life, ruined the nice family we had...I destroyed everything.  That is what I do, destroy people.  I am sure it broke Tessa's heart to see John that way.  She loved him.  I feel like a monster...a selfish self-centered person that only thinks of herself, and my own happiness and doesn't give a damn I have destroyed my kids, John and my relationships with all that have the misfortune of veering into my lane...

I could never apologize enough for my horrible life and the decisions I have made that broke up a family....

Anyhow, I am gonna stop now...as I am once again fixating on death....once again, I am nothing but a goddamn monster...

At my advocates house, Ally saw his granddaughters dollhouse and came out.  His daughter noticed....so, now she knows I am nothing but a pathetic freak...reading about it on facebook is one thing...seeing it in action is mortifying and beyond embarrassing for me......my panic attacks are embarrassing to me, everything about me is fucking embarrassing and pathetic.   I fucking read rejection into everything, and I never feel like I belong, like I am part of a crowd...the only crowd I am a part of, and don't want to be a part of, is the crowd in my head....

I will never accept or embrace this condition.   It is the most embarrassing disorder in the entire world.....I might as well have been born with 8 heads attached to my neck...I am nothing but a monster, a freak, and a sorry excuse for a living breathing human.

S

NM

 So we are in New Mexico now.  Been on the road with my advocates son and advocate over a week, and his son, informed us that he had been exposed to Covid at church camp, a week or so before we left....His stupid ass fuck mother, did not tell us, told her son to not tell us, and she would supposedly have him tested AFTER his trip.....

This is why we cannot get ahead of this epidemic because of stupid ass fuck people like "Jada".....what if he had been positive??? He has been around family and others, exposing them....what if one of them had gotten it, and died...would she even have given a fuck???

Oh and then she said to my advocate (on the phone) that she had tested his son while he was sleeping....YOU CANNOT DO THE TEST WHILE ASLEEP...NOTHING BUT A BALD FACE LIE...THEN SHE IS TELLING HER SON, TO LIE AND DECEIVE HIS FATHER...

I am so scared for the type of kid he will grow up to be....with a mother like her, I fear for his well-being.   Physically, emotionally, and in every fucking way....

He tested negative, so our trip will not be cancelled....but we are not telling his donkey dick sucking mom, gonna let her stew in her own shit, right now.....

On another note,

evidently on the trip from OKC to NM, I had a meltdown, and all the girls came out...7 yelled at the advocates son, and it was a nightmare (and I had no ideal this happened)...I apologized to his son, only because his son has no ideal what is wrong with me....my advocate has told me to never to apologize for their behavior because I have no control over what they say or do....

This is exactly why, I cannot be around children....I know that I probably fucking scared the shit out of that boy...

this is also why I have to live alone.....

Hopefully, today will be a good day.

S

Oh yea, and his son also saw me have a full blown panic attack...we were at the tunnel going towards Cloudcroft, on a two lane highway that is busy...and my advocate took his son into the street to get a pic of the tunnel....I cannot handle people or animals being in the highway.....

I was beyond terrified and had a fucking panic attack....(I have really horrible memories of highway accidents and people and animals being struck and killed by cars) and yet, my advocate (knowing I have this issue) took his kid out there anyway...To be fair, he tried to explain to me that they were never in any way of traffic...but from where I stood, he might have might as well been in the middle of the highway....I felt that was negligent of him and I told him so......

S, T

No more Oklahoma

 So, I let my kids know I would be in Oklahoma City, and plan on Tuesday to see everyone.  My son has Tuesday off, and my daughter said tuesday was good and she would get her boy for the day (this  is his dads week to have him)....

So, last night...all the sudden, Tuesday is not a good day...my son all the sudden has something that day (with his bitch whore egg donor wife)...her family trumps him seeing his mom that he has not seen since the death of Gagey...almost 2 years!

My daughter has clients and get reschedule them....even though she has had 2 fucking weeks to make sure that Tuesday is clear (she could have rescheduled her clients) but noooooo,  her life is too fucking important, to come and see her mom...

And my other son...who the fuck knows if he will even show up.

Now they expect me to change all my plans to accomodate them...FUCK THAT SHIT

THIS IS MY FUCKING VACATION....

I can tell you for a fact that NONE of my kids would ever make the trip to Virginia to see me...they still expect me to be their servant...fuck them...

I will not be coming back to Oklahoma ever again....unless its a fucking funeral.  I am done with my family, because obviously they are done with me.....

Funny, I have a friend and told her I was coming and she wants to see me...she just said "tell me when and where to meet" and I will make it  happen.  She is willing to cater to my schedule because she knows how far I  have come to be here...WHY CAN'T MY FAMILY BE THE SAME WAY???

I was the worse fucking mom I guess, as my kids are fucking selfish self-centered entitled creatures....I know I did not raise them to be that way...but they do not regard me as "mom" like other people do...they do not respect me at all...I am basically nothing to them...must have been a horrible mother to have produced such horrible selfish kids...

So, if they don't have time for me....I fucking don't have time for them...

We knew this would happen to her...we all told her friend to not come...we knew her family would treat her this way...she knew her heart would be broken and jerked around.  she is too sentimental...this is a big mistake being in Oklahoma....but she continues to do things that break her heart...she is so stupid.

S,Sophee

hit a dog

 When I was a small child, I was led to believe that "I drowned my dog"...all of my adult life I lived with that horrible memory....As a small child I saw a dog alive, being hung in a tree and its owner beating him.....As a small child I saw a dog get hit and killed by a car on a highway, and then the driver of the car I was in, hit a lady trying to save that dog...but he kept on driving.....

My whole life, I have spent working with and saving dogs, anything to make up for "my drowning my puppy as a child"....

Then I found out that "I did not drown that dog", my monster of a step dad had me and my dog get into the bath tub and HE held that dog down...not me.....HE killed that dog....He killed my bunny....then told me to bury it...

So by far, animals are my soft spot.

Yesterday, as I was driving on a 4 lane, 45 mph street, a coon dog ran right in front of me and I struck him.  My heart broke into a million pieces....Ally is upset, we all are....

the dog was taken by its owner (who was chasing him and saw me hit him) came running over and the dog was taken to the Vet hospital.  As of last night, the dog was in critical condition, broken shoulder and leg and who knows what kind of internal injuries...I am waiting for an update today....

If that dog dies, I will die inside too....I would have rather hit a person than an animal, especially a dog...I am so sick to my stomach, and I fucking could not sleep last night...all I can see is that dog running in front of me and the sound of me hitting him...OMG

we are suppose to leave tomorrow for our vacation.....a vacation that I was looking forward to for the most part, now I just do not want to go....my heart is just fucking broken and I don't know how to fix it...

If that dog dies, its because I killed him, I killed him with my jeep...I will not be able to live with that....

S

death of a tree

 So,  I am in a weird funk....as the day gets closer to us leaving for vacation, the more I feel funky...I cannot decide how I feel...am I happy to see my kids?  Am I happy to visit Alamogordo?  Am I happy to visit Oklahoma City?  fuck, I don't know.  

I am extremely apprehensive and nervous....on the one hand, I can't wait to see my grandsons, but on the other hand, I really do not want to see anybody else...my grandsons won't ridicule or judge me like the rest will do..am I ready for that??

I do not think all my girls are "on board" with this trip.  The uneasy feeling I have may be them, or some of them not "wanting" to go...they know how hard it is for me to be around my family...they experienced first hand the way I was treated by them....they do not like my mother or sister.  At least my sister won't be there!  

But, if my mom shows up....fuck....

On another note:  Gagey tree is dying.  It has severe iron deficiency and the arborrist wants 185.00 per treatment, for two or more treatments....FUCK THAT SHIT

IF GAGEY WANTS HIS TREE, THEN LET THE DAMN THING DIE.

Everything and everyone dies anyway....my rats, the tree,....I am not going to fight for a tree.   I tried to honor Gage with the tree, I did everything the correct way in buying and planting the tree...I have loved that tree, water it, fed it, and it still wants to die.  That tells me, that Gagey wants his tree.

The tree will be dead by the time we get back from vacation...just like Gagey and the rats...dead dead dead....    Don't even care anymore....don't fucking care if everything dies...7

I guess the tree dying is Karma for me not attending Gagey funeral.    Since I decided to skip his funeral,  karma has decided that his tree must die.   figures

S.

 

Bye critters

 So, Peppers and Peaches have gone on....My advocate put them humanly down a couple of nights ago.  They both had extremely large tumors and I felt could not make the trip...so, they are now with Punkin and Happy resting on the side of the apartment.

My advocate came over during his lunch break to "call out Ally" and tell her her pets were gone.....

He told me this:

When he told her they were so sick, and now they are resting with Peaches and Happy.  He said that she jumped up off the couch, and went over to the cage and lifted the cover...she did not know they were gone....then she tried to assure him that she did not hurt them ever, she didn't drop them...and then was wondering if "the puppy" (Boomer) was sick too....It was very hard for him to tell her about her pets....just like trying to tell any small child that their pet has died....

Later, after work, we got the kayaks and went to the cove, to relax.  Ally did not come out at the cove (which ordinarily she would have, but I am thinking she is still upset), but Tessa did.  Tessa enjoys floating on the lake...

I dismantled the rats cage, cleaned and washed everything and will be putting it away.  I do not know if I will get any more rats...will have to see how it goes after we get back from our trip.  I do know one thing, Ally loved those rats!

Also, we have had to stop feeding the raccoons here at my apartment...they were getting to be too many of them, and they were becoming too tame and trusting, and wayyyyy to friendly for wild animals....and I am pretty sure I am the only person in my building who has had the rabies vaccination!!

I am trying to be excited for this trip....but really all I feel is a sense of dread...sad, huh?  I really hope I am able to "behave" and that the girls will "behave" too....

I feel like I am starting to distance myself, emotionally, from people.  Including my advocate...maybe this is just the girls way of preparing me to see my family,  they are taking my fears, cautions, loves, etc and putting them away...in a suitcase and leaving that suitcase here....that way my feelings, and all that shit will be here in VA and I won't have to fucking deal with them there, in OKC and NM.

I like to think I am all brave, but really I am nothing but a fucking coward...the girls know it and I know it....

S, T

trip and stuff

 So, we are getting ready to head to Oklahoma and NM for a vacation.  My advocate is bringing his young son with us, so he can meet his sister and cousins...I will get to see my kids and grandkids, which I am excited about....However....

I am terrified of seeing my dad...(what if he brings my mom with him?)  I do not want to see my mother at all....

My son, sent me an email asking me to watch a video "How sin enters your life in these 4 ways.."  REALLY????  I am pagan....he knows that...so I am also nervous to see him...he has been judgmental and very rude to me ever since I left Oklahoma.he does not treat me as his "mom"....really he never has...

So getting his email really fucked me up...I will not walk into any fucking "christian intervention"...if it happens, I will leave and NEVER go back to Oklahoma.....

Christians are so fucking "high and mighty" they think their shit don't stink...well let me tell you one thing..."CHRISTIANS SHIT STINKS WORSE THAN ANY NON-CHRISTIAN AROUND..."

My advocate and I met with my doctor and he prescribed me some Xanax to take while on the trip...to keep me from freaking out...I hope it works....

on another note....I have had to stop feeding the raccoons...it started as one and now there are 4 or 5 coming, and they are not afraid of humans...they will walk right up to us now...fine for me as I have actually had the rabies vaccine, but my neighbor below me was trapped on his porch by 3 raccoons that would not leave....fuck...so no more feeding the raccoons...that makes me sad, but at the same time, if my neighbors are starting to complain, I need to listen....we have rocks on the lids of our trash cans, so I hope they cannot get into those....

Also, before our trip, my advocate is going to put my last two rats down.  They both have horribly large tumors and a trip would be "detrimental" to their health.  So, that is happening even maybe tonight...I know that it is the best thing for them, but I fucking hate when animals get sick....sigh...I know that putting the rats down will be very hard for Ally (my little) as she loves them and loves animals...I dread what her being upset will do to me...fuck...

S