trip fears

 So, my advocate and his young son will be going with me on vacation back to Oklahoma.  He has family there he would like to see.  I am wanting to see my grandsons.  I miss not being able to watch them grow...but like with most grandparents today,  I live far away...so once a year I like to be able to go back and visit.  

This will be my first visit since Gage passed.  I want to go out to his grave side and apologize to him for not attending his funeral.  It was more important for me to plant a tree in honor of him, plant life...than celebrate death.

I am very nervous for this trip....for so many reasons:  I will be seeing my X, and I am kinda nervous how that will make Tessa feel.  She loves him, she is the christian, I think she misses him.  I will be going back into the house she left.

I am very nervous to see my kids, last time I was in Oklahoma they were very rude and mean to me, with the exception of my son who had just lost his son.  I know that I need to see my dad, he has not been doing so well, but I do not want to see my mother.  However, I may have to see her too....fuck.

After leaving Oklahoma we are all headed to Alamogordo.  My advocate wants his son to meet his other siblings.  Hopefully, all his kids will come together, put differences aside, and meet their little brother.  

I am beyond nervous to go to Alamo.  That is my X town, his mom and brother live there, his best friend, in fact all his friends...I am hoping to stay under the radar and not run into anyone.  Alamo is also my advocates town.  His past love lives there, the woman he was in love with before I walked into his life, lives there...Alamo is a very small town, news of him being there will spread like rabbits...I am nervous he will want to see her, or that he may run into her...I am nervous of running into her....I, was the home wrecker, it was me that split them up....I know that he had a choice, but still...I know how much I care for my advocate, so I can just imagine how much she was in love with him.  

I am also very nervous for the actual trip.  I have so many fucking triggers...the highway, storms, etc....I get so uptight and on edge traveling in a car.  I DO NOT WANT my advocates son seeing me, not be me.   I am petrified he will see an alter....

we just went on a short day trip to Washington DC and I was emotionally all over the fucking map....not good.  I make traveling with me, miserable.  I am always so wound up, I can never just relax and lay back....its like I cannot enjoy anything....

Plus, my advocate does not hear so well, and with highway noise, talking to him is almost damn near impossible and he uses a bluetooth which talks to him in his ear...and he concentrates so much on driving, he rarely "acknowledges" I am speaking...which is good I want him to concentrate on driving, but at the same time, I get so bored...and I hate repeating myself.  I bought some travel games, so hopefully his son and I will keep each other entertained.

The trip is 3 weeks away, and I am already starting to obsess over it....the what if's, could happen, and buts are already fucking me over....geez.....overthinking again.

I am so scared his family, his kids, will not like me.  I know that they are friends with his X,  so I hope they don't compare me to her....and his daughters husband grew up with my X....so meeting them will be awkward, to say the least.  I am definitely the "scarlet" woman, man stealer, and mentally fucked one.....but maybe they won't see that! haha

This trip, is gonna be tough for me.  For us, the girls, I can only hope that we will all behave ourselves like grown ass adult women and not embarrass the advocate in front of his family and friends.  

Sigh...

S, T