change channel

 We have put out 7 videos about my DID, yet people are still not getting it...they are assuming I should be one way or another.....this is very discouraging to me...I felt the videos were pretty clear on the topics made, but evidently not.  

When I get comments like "I thought the girls would all be working together better now", I feel like a failure....I have done something because my girls do not work together...

We are not a fine tuned machine....not a car getting repairs....

I have been trying so hard to be open and honest about my DID, but fact of the matter is, I should just be quiet about it...speaking out is not helping others, it is confusing them...

I already feel like less of a person because of this, and when I hear others make comments, I feel like even lesser of a person....more like annoying gum on the bottom of a shoe...

So the Youtube videos are not working.....not because of my advocate, but because of me.

Probably the girls aren't working together more, because of me...I am probably even too stupid to have a smooth working system, like Multiplicity.....

I need to change my channel from "Sparrows House" to "The Clusterfuck"...

S

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I believe the reason that people are still not getting this DID condition is because they have no clue to the level of abuse I suffered as a very small child.  The level of abuse suffered by other DID people...we don't talk about the specific abuses because they are "triggers".....

Most kids got whooping's, grounded, no dinner, face slapped, called names whatever, and they are fine.  They did not develop DID and they "had a bad childhood too", but they had an adult somewhere in their life that they could turn too, someone who gave them comfort and listened to them....I  DID NOT HAVE THAT.....

I had absolutely no one to run too...I had no one to talk to,  I lived in fear every moment.   of everyday...fear of him getting home from work, fear of my mother...I lived in a constant state of fear until I was 9 yrs old.  I could not tell anyone what was happening to me for fear he would hurt my siblings or my mom or kill me.....so I kept it all in.....

This monster that was my step dad, knew how to scare me, knew how to manipulate the feelings of a little girl...he intertwined love with abuse....he said he "loved me" when he was touching me inappropriately. The "love" word....I had no fucking idea what love was....

He said it was 'my' fault that my bunny and puppy had to die....my fault....It was my fault that he had to "spank" me...everything I did was an excuse for him to punish me....I was in fear of my life...fearful of speaking (which is why Sammy does not speak) I was afraid of the night.....

The first 5 yrs of your life is when your brain learns the most.   You learn your morals, your letters, to talk, to walk, etc...and for me, I learned I was "stupid", I was "not wanted", I learned that everything I did was wrong and got me in trouble...I learned to not trust, to not love, to not feel...for the first 9 yrs of my life, I was abused in every way possible...the level of depravity that my step dad had was almost genius..

A little girl cannot comprehend abuse, especially psychological abuse...this monster of a step dad, made a monster out of me....He split my head into 7 pieces....he ruined me....

I will never be a whole person....NEVER/////

So to all the people who just don't get it....IMAGINE THE WORST CASE SCENERIO OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE AND MULTIPLY IT BY 100....that is me...

It is just fucking amazing I did not turn out to be some sort of sociopath mass murderer...even though as a child I tried to kill my step dad twice.....I wished my mother dead.....I wished myself dead....

S