mental retard

 So, contrary to popular belief....having multiple personalities does not make me a retard.  It does not make me inferior to other "normal" people.  And it does not make me a freak.  

I am starting to find out, through our Youtube videos and facebook page, that "I" am not taken seriously.  I AM the side show of the circus, or at least that is how I am beginning to feel.

Just because I do not want to be in every fucking video, does not make me unimportant.

For example:

on our FB page, I asked multiple times if there is a topic or question anyone would like to see addressed in our videos....all I got were "crickets".

Now my advocate is wanting to do a segment "Ask Sparrow"......NOBODY WANTS TO ASK ME SHIT....AND ITS BECAUSE I HAVE ALL THE SUDDEN BECAME A RETARD WHO CAN'T FIGURE OUT EVEN HOW TO TAKE A SHIT.....they will ask the advocate.

I have had this disorder since I was 6 yrs old....nobody knew, and therefore I mattered.  Nobody was afraid to ask my anything......NOW THAT I HAVE WENT PUBLIC,  its like I have all the sudden developed this horrific contagious disease that nobody wants to contract....

But I betcha if my Advocate asks the same question to our FB group, he would get all kinds of questions for the Video.  BECAUSE HE IS THE SMART ONE, THE TEACHER, THE NORMAL ONE...I am nothing but the damaged goods.

But I don't get it...He does not have DID...so how can he answer questions about what its like having DID?  Oh, I know, he will pose the same question to me, because nobody else can figure out how TO JUST FUCKING ASK ME! 

I have went from a "normal" woman to a freak show, and any respect anyone had of me, is now gone....

As far as I am concerned, I will not be in any more videos.  It will be all my advocate, because HE is the one people want to listen to anyway, he is the smart one, the one who explains everything, because he can, he is not a "mentally sick non-person".  That would be me....if I make an appearance on a video, I will be looked at sideways....is she switching?  is she so-and-so?  what does it look like to have multiple personalities? I am nothing but a freak curiosity.  I could open my mouth and talk on the videos, but I WILL NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY....BECAUSE, REMEMBER....I AM THE MENTAL RETARD SO THEREFORE I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT NOTHING....ITS A WONDER I CAN EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW TO BLOG OR DRIVE A GODDAMN CAR.

S

PS...would you be afraid to ask somebody how they lost a limb? or how they survived a near death experience? would you be afraid to ask someone how it felt to wear braces on their teeth????  NOOOOOOOOO, so don't be afraid to ask ME about DID....but if you are too fucking afraid to look me in the eye and ask a question (no matter the question, because there is no such thing as a DUMB question, you learn by asking...) then do not consider me your friend.  I may not be able to answer your question, but at least give me the chance and the respect to try, instead of going behind my back.  

Mama Bear

 So, one of my favorite things to do with Boomer is go hiking.  We hike alot at Carvins Cove.  There are lots of trails for hiking and biking...

This morning, Boomer and me set off for some hiking.  We went to the back side of the cove, where we have hiked before.  I notice right off that the trails are very overgrown, and there is not hardly any water in the creeks...but we hike on...

further and further into the cove/mountain.  About 2 miles in (or so) I hear noise in the brush.  I notice that Boomer has stopped walking and is staring intently at the brush.  I inch forward to get a better look (thinking it was a deer or raccoon) and to my complete shock...it was a black bear cub.

    FUCK

That means mama is close by.....so I nudge Boomer away from the cub and we start retreating our steps, as we went around a corner...Boomer again, stopped and stared.  I didn't hear anything, but was still nervous about bears...then like in slow motion...the mama black bear stood up out of the brush and stared at me....she was 7 feet tall or so...she just stared at me, I stared at her, Boomer stared at her...I noticed 2 more cubs around  her feet.....she was only about 40 feet away from me....Boomer, to his credit, did not charge, growl or even whimper...I reached slowly down, grabbing Boomer by the collar and we very slowly started backing up...Mama was still staring at me, watching....

Seemed like an eternity of staring at eachother (but in reality was probably more like a minute or less), and then a biker came down the trail...the bike spooked the mama and her cubs and she got back down and they sorta ran off....

I started walking as fast as I could back to my car....which seemed to be parked 100 miles away!!!! hahaha

you hear people saying "that their life flashed before their eyes", well that was me.  My thought was.."so this is it, I am gonna die by a bear mauling"....fuck fuck

So lesson learned....do not hike alone....carry bear spray and a walking stick....and don't piss off mama bear!

Mountain living....love it or hate it, always an adventure.

S

trip fears

 So, my advocate and his young son will be going with me on vacation back to Oklahoma.  He has family there he would like to see.  I am wanting to see my grandsons.  I miss not being able to watch them grow...but like with most grandparents today,  I live far away...so once a year I like to be able to go back and visit.  

This will be my first visit since Gage passed.  I want to go out to his grave side and apologize to him for not attending his funeral.  It was more important for me to plant a tree in honor of him, plant life...than celebrate death.

I am very nervous for this trip....for so many reasons:  I will be seeing my X, and I am kinda nervous how that will make Tessa feel.  She loves him, she is the christian, I think she misses him.  I will be going back into the house she left.

I am very nervous to see my kids, last time I was in Oklahoma they were very rude and mean to me, with the exception of my son who had just lost his son.  I know that I need to see my dad, he has not been doing so well, but I do not want to see my mother.  However, I may have to see her too....fuck.

After leaving Oklahoma we are all headed to Alamogordo.  My advocate wants his son to meet his other siblings.  Hopefully, all his kids will come together, put differences aside, and meet their little brother.  

I am beyond nervous to go to Alamo.  That is my X town, his mom and brother live there, his best friend, in fact all his friends...I am hoping to stay under the radar and not run into anyone.  Alamo is also my advocates town.  His past love lives there, the woman he was in love with before I walked into his life, lives there...Alamo is a very small town, news of him being there will spread like rabbits...I am nervous he will want to see her, or that he may run into her...I am nervous of running into her....I, was the home wrecker, it was me that split them up....I know that he had a choice, but still...I know how much I care for my advocate, so I can just imagine how much she was in love with him.  

I am also very nervous for the actual trip.  I have so many fucking triggers...the highway, storms, etc....I get so uptight and on edge traveling in a car.  I DO NOT WANT my advocates son seeing me, not be me.   I am petrified he will see an alter....

we just went on a short day trip to Washington DC and I was emotionally all over the fucking map....not good.  I make traveling with me, miserable.  I am always so wound up, I can never just relax and lay back....its like I cannot enjoy anything....

Plus, my advocate does not hear so well, and with highway noise, talking to him is almost damn near impossible and he uses a bluetooth which talks to him in his ear...and he concentrates so much on driving, he rarely "acknowledges" I am speaking...which is good I want him to concentrate on driving, but at the same time, I get so bored...and I hate repeating myself.  I bought some travel games, so hopefully his son and I will keep each other entertained.

The trip is 3 weeks away, and I am already starting to obsess over it....the what if's, could happen, and buts are already fucking me over....geez.....overthinking again.

I am so scared his family, his kids, will not like me.  I know that they are friends with his X,  so I hope they don't compare me to her....and his daughters husband grew up with my X....so meeting them will be awkward, to say the least.  I am definitely the "scarlet" woman, man stealer, and mentally fucked one.....but maybe they won't see that! haha

This trip, is gonna be tough for me.  For us, the girls, I can only hope that we will all behave ourselves like grown ass adult women and not embarrass the advocate in front of his family and friends.  

Sigh...

S, T

job

 So, probably the most aggravating part of having of having DID, is not being able to peruse what an alter has written....I usually do not even know that one of them have written in my blog until it is pointed out to me, usually by my advocate.  Most of them now are learning to sign their name or first initial, if they blog, but not all of them.

I think they are like a kid in a candy store for the first time..."what?  we can blog?, its okay?"  wow.....so they seem to be blogging alot.  I usually do not care for what they say, but my advocate says, its important for them to be able to speak their mind and not be ridiculed or chastised for what they say or how they feel and they do not have to pretend to be me, not on this blog.

A couple of blogs have actually been taken down because of their content....and my advocate has also taken some down...he has kept them intact, but he does not let me read all of them all the time...I may not be able to handle something one of them wrote, so he will take it down, until I am emotionally ready to read it and to accept what they have to say, whether it is how they feel or a memory they are giving me...

Its funny, but people reading these blogs might think "damn this girl is psychco, she is all over the map...she must have multiple personalities...haha" when in fact, I do have multiple personalities, so the joke is on them!

Some things I have written, or I should say, they have written, are mean...and I, Sparrow, would never think a certain way....but what they feel is 100% okay.  They are distinct personalities with their own likes, dislikes, arguments whatever...they are not me.  Just because they are in my head, does not mean they are me, in the sense that they should think and act like me....they do not.

If someone is reading a post, whether good, bad, horrific, funny or what, the fact that they are reading it, means I am still alive......and my alters are doing their job!

S

tornado

 So, another fucking memory....another fucking fuck in my life.....

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Two little girls were staying with their grandma....for the weekend....

one day the clouds turned dark, and the rain started.  Grandma lived in a trailer, with no storm shelter.

In the late afternoon, it started storming...the tornado alarms went off...and all three of them ran across the street, past the big water tower and into a shelter with other people from the neighborhood....

when the sirens stopped, they went back to grandma's house.

Later that night, the sirens started again.....this time the storm was mean...Lightening and thunder everywhere, hail stones the size of baseballs, wild wicked rain...

They ran from the house....running as fast as their little legs and grandmas legs could take them....the hailstones struck her back, leaving bruises, she kept closing her eyes to the brilliant flashes of lightening and screaming in terror of the thunderclaps...

her sister tripped and fell....the other girl looked back at the sister and saw a man coming up behind them...he was carrying a bag, then all of the sudden he exploded....

the contents of his bag slung everywhere, and his back was smoking as he fell to the pavement....the little girl stared...then everything went black.

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There are no more memories...

S. T

single

I think I am done, trying to be somebody I am not.  I am done, being a nice person.  I am done with loving anyone.  I am done with being hurt, ignored or secret.  I am done with relationships that only matter when no one is looking...

I am forever and eternally single.   

     

I am not good enough to be a girlfriend, best friend or wife.  Which explains why I am so alone.

  

Having DID frankly is not conducive to a real relationship...how could it be???? I am nothing but a freak walking around, a colossal embarrassment, an ugly gross pig of a woman.

 

There is no way in hell, I could ever be in a committed relationship...

I have finally realized that if people can only say "I love you" in private, but not in public, then "I love you" is nothing but filler words...or words to get your way...

Like my kids, "mom, I love you.......can I have 20 bucks?"  like that.....

Some people are so loveable, others are not....I am the other.....And its okay.  I am too fucking old to worry about a relationship, I can barely manage the fucking 7 alters, how the fuck could I ever manage a relationship?????  I can't.  So I won't.

I am 100% single.  

S

highway

 One day a family was driving down the highway.  Dad and mom in front with baby, and two little girls in the backseat.  It was a hot day and the windows were down.  The radio was playing softly.

The oldest little girl was scooted up in her seat looking out between her parents of the front wind shield of the car.  (no one wore seatbelts back then)....She noticed a little dog running onto the highway....she screamed at the dog, and the dad reached up behind him and pushed her back onto the seat...she saw another car hit the dog....killed it.  She screamed and cried, the dad told her to shut up...she was so focused on the dog that she did not at first notice the person running onto the street to save it.....until....

 she felt a bump/ thud on the front of the car....her dad had hit the bystander who was trying to rescue the dog....she saw the person fall and roll....she heard her mother yelling....the dad turned up the music really loud and told the mom to shut up...The little girls were so scared, they both got down onto the floorboard to hide....

She remembered the dog yelp, she remembered the sound of the "thud" against the car, she remembered the loud static radio, she remembered silently crying....

He did not stop the car to see if the person was alive....he kept driving.....just fucking kept driving.......

S

Seven

 I have had a weird past couple of days.  I have been so out of it, and disassociating a lot.  I do know now for a fact that I have another alter...my advocate finally talked to her and asked her her name, he said she said her name is Seven...which doesn't make any fucking sense....

But he said she was calm and not tearing my house and Sparrow apart....

The past two days, or three or whenever, my days are kinda mixed up, have been very rough, I have had nightmares and been so fucking out of it.....but last night my advocate drugged me basically and I slept 12 hours straight.  I feel very rested, but still like something is off....

I will wait it out.   

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On another note, I talked with my X husband.  I told him that I have been in therapy and am learning alot about myself.  I mentioned that I had different personalities, and he said "yea, I remember your fits"...he is mentioning the rages I would have, or I should say one of my girls would have...but it did not click in his head that I have DID, but I have layed the pavework to gradually bring into my family my "mess, which is my DID"..

we had a good conversation.  I am really hoping that when my diagnosis comes out, my family will not shun me...my X seemed open the idea that I am not "normal"...so we will see.....

S

DID support groups

 So, I have joined two DID groups on facebook.  I am fucking shocked at just how many people have this condition.  I thought I was the only one....there are hundreds of thousands of us, male and female.  

That makes me so incredibly sad...because for there to be so many DID people in the world, means that there is an equal or greater amount of monsters in this world causing this.  It saddens me that all those people have suffered as I have as a child...it hurts my heart...I wish it was only me...To think about all the fucking monsters out there that prey on small children to the point where their little mines split, leaves me shaken to the core.

And most of the people in these groups, are still trying to come to terms with their alters, their life situations and their relationships with others....DID is such a hidden condition and not socially acceptable, which keeps us all down and in hiding.

I am so heartbroken for anyone that suffers like this.   Our life started out as a fucking nightmare, continued to be a series of fuck ups, marital and family discord, alienation, self doubt and fear for the longest time, only to find out later that you have alters...so your life NEVER has healing.  it just goes from one clusterfuck to another.....

this is the life of a person with DID...a struggle to live, a struggle to be accepted, a struggle to learn to trust, a struggle to accept your condition, a struggle to stay alive....

DID is a constant struggle in your head....its no wonder I take so many naps...I am exhausted from the activity that never rests in my head...and Hollywood makes it even harder to live with this condition, because it portrays us as monsters....

On the one hand it is very nice and comforting on some level to know that I am not the only person with alters....but on the other hand it is awful to know that I am not the only person with alters.....

Really a person with cancer, or even depression gets more respect from the public than a person with DID...to the public, we are just making everything up......and there is no solid proof and its just PTSD,,,we are blown off as head cases....very aggravating and upsetting.

Anyway, I will stick with these facebook groups for awhile...on the up side, some of the people in the groups have no ideal what or where or how their alters behave, their names, and live in chaos most of the time....mine are more manageable to say the least.

S, T

Food sucks

 Is there not one part of my fucking body that works correctly???  We all know that my head is fucked up...alters, tumors, garbage...

My stomach is fucked up, too many surgeries and now I can't eat a fucking thing without my liver going into spasms or my blood sugar going through the goddamn roof...

I have changed my diet 1000% from what a normal diet is, yet EVERY GODDAMN THING I PUT IN MY MOUTH MY STUPID ASS FUCKING WORTHLESS BODY REJECTS...AND I GET SICK AS A FUCKING DOG....

Eating is a nightmare for me.  I dread dinner dates, especially when we are going to dinner with other couples or people...because I KNOW THAT IF I EAT A GODDAMN THING I WILL GET SICK AND BE FUCKING MISERABLE THE WHOLE BLOODY TIME.

WHERE NORMAL PEOPLE LOVE TO EAT OUT, LOOK FORWARD TO EATING, POST FOOD MEME'S ON FACEBOOK, LIVE TO EAT...I ON THE OTHER HAND...BARELY EAT TO SURVIVE.

Whats worse is that I never know when my stomach is going to get upset...the other night in the middle of the night, I woke up having to throw up...only I CANNOT THROW UP...SO I JUST CHOKED AND GAGGED ALL FUCKING NIGHT LONG....

WHAT PISSES ME OFF THE WORSE, WHEN I COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS TO OTHERS THEY JUST LOOK AT ME LIKE I AM STUPID AND THEY SAY "WELL I WISH I HAD THAT PROBLEM..."

NO YOU FUCKING DON'T....

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET SICK EVERYTIME YOU PUT FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR INSULIN LEVELS TO SHOOT THROUGH THE ROOF ONLY TO CRASH INTO DANGEROUS LOWS 30 MINUTES LATER...

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO EAT THE SAME FUCKING FOOD DAY IN AND DAY OUT, BECAUSE THERE IS PRECIOUS LITTLE I CAN EAT AND NOT BE SICK...

EATING IN RESTARAUNTS ARE THE WORST....ALL RESTERAUNT FOOD MAKES ME ILL...SICKER THAN A DOG...SO I AM A FUCKING WASTE OF MONEY ON A DINNER DATE...I CANNOT ENJOY ANY FOODS BECAUSE I KNOW THEY ARE GOING TO MAKE ME SICK.

I CANNOT EAT MEAT...my stomach does not digest meat

I cannot eat pasta, breads, potatoes (white foods) and foods high in carbs because they freak out my insulin levels...

I cannot eat ice cream, or drink milk as milk products give me diarrhea.

I absolutely cannot have any desserts, pops, candy, or anything full of sugar...again, makes my sugar levels shoot through the roof only to crash and burn....

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY MY STOMACH IS SO FUCKING BAD???

Because of my mother, and my step dad and my whole fucking life, I have lived in extreme stress...I had ulcers as a small child, a teenager and adult, my stomach has been so fucked up that I have had to have surgery after surgery...

This would not have happened had I not had such a fucking lousy horrible childhood...the stress I had as a small child, tore up my stomach and is directly to blame for the pathetic state of my digestive system today...

So even though my life is not "stressful",  I am still fucked and will always be fucked, never to be whole or healthy.  I cannot heal myself...my head is all fucked up and my body is fucked up as well...

this is the list of what I can eat:

eggs

fresh vegetables

Firehouse vegie sub

cottage cheese

quinoa bread

popsicles

THATS IT.  IF I EAT ANYTHING ELSE, THEN I CAN EXPECT MY LIVER TO FUCKING PUMP MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF BILE INTO MY STOMACH, WHICH IN TURN WILL CAUSE SEVERE CRAMPING AND HORRIBLE DIARRHEA...

I CAN EXPECT MY INSULIN LEVELS TO SHOOT STRAIGHT UP OVER 200(I GET HORRIBLY SLEEPY WHEN ITS HIGH) THEN CRASH WITHIN 45 MINUTES TO EXTREME LOWS UNDER 40..WHICH MAKES ME SWEAT, SHAKE, AND PANIC

THEN OF COURSE, THERE IS THE FUCKING CHRONIC NAUSEA...

AND ALL OF THAT IS BELOW THE NECK, FROM THE NECK UP MY HEAD IS AS FUCKED AS MY STOMACH AND BODY....

THERE IS NOT ANYTHING ABOUT ME OR MY BODY THAT IS NORMAL. I TRULY AM A FREAK...CAN'T EAT, CAN'T THINK FOR MYSELF, CAN'T CONTROL MY ALTERS, JUST A STUPID ASS FUCK LOSER...

SO, all you people out there who can actually eat and enjoy food...YOU ARE SO LUCKY, I AM JEALOUS AND I HATE YOU!!!!

S.

change channel

 We have put out 7 videos about my DID, yet people are still not getting it...they are assuming I should be one way or another.....this is very discouraging to me...I felt the videos were pretty clear on the topics made, but evidently not.  

When I get comments like "I thought the girls would all be working together better now", I feel like a failure....I have done something because my girls do not work together...

We are not a fine tuned machine....not a car getting repairs....

I have been trying so hard to be open and honest about my DID, but fact of the matter is, I should just be quiet about it...speaking out is not helping others, it is confusing them...

I already feel like less of a person because of this, and when I hear others make comments, I feel like even lesser of a person....more like annoying gum on the bottom of a shoe...

So the Youtube videos are not working.....not because of my advocate, but because of me.

Probably the girls aren't working together more, because of me...I am probably even too stupid to have a smooth working system, like Multiplicity.....

I need to change my channel from "Sparrows House" to "The Clusterfuck"...

S

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I believe the reason that people are still not getting this DID condition is because they have no clue to the level of abuse I suffered as a very small child.  The level of abuse suffered by other DID people...we don't talk about the specific abuses because they are "triggers".....

Most kids got whooping's, grounded, no dinner, face slapped, called names whatever, and they are fine.  They did not develop DID and they "had a bad childhood too", but they had an adult somewhere in their life that they could turn too, someone who gave them comfort and listened to them....I  DID NOT HAVE THAT.....

I had absolutely no one to run too...I had no one to talk to,  I lived in fear every moment.   of everyday...fear of him getting home from work, fear of my mother...I lived in a constant state of fear until I was 9 yrs old.  I could not tell anyone what was happening to me for fear he would hurt my siblings or my mom or kill me.....so I kept it all in.....

This monster that was my step dad, knew how to scare me, knew how to manipulate the feelings of a little girl...he intertwined love with abuse....he said he "loved me" when he was touching me inappropriately. The "love" word....I had no fucking idea what love was....

He said it was 'my' fault that my bunny and puppy had to die....my fault....It was my fault that he had to "spank" me...everything I did was an excuse for him to punish me....I was in fear of my life...fearful of speaking (which is why Sammy does not speak) I was afraid of the night.....

The first 5 yrs of your life is when your brain learns the most.   You learn your morals, your letters, to talk, to walk, etc...and for me, I learned I was "stupid", I was "not wanted", I learned that everything I did was wrong and got me in trouble...I learned to not trust, to not love, to not feel...for the first 9 yrs of my life, I was abused in every way possible...the level of depravity that my step dad had was almost genius..

A little girl cannot comprehend abuse, especially psychological abuse...this monster of a step dad, made a monster out of me....He split my head into 7 pieces....he ruined me....

I will never be a whole person....NEVER/////

So to all the people who just don't get it....IMAGINE THE WORST CASE SCENERIO OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE AND MULTIPLY IT BY 100....that is me...

It is just fucking amazing I did not turn out to be some sort of sociopath mass murderer...even though as a child I tried to kill my step dad twice.....I wished my mother dead.....I wished myself dead....

S