water base glue

 I am so tired of my emotional instability.   I seem to not be able to control it, at all.  If I have a hard day one day, my head will carry that "hardness" for the next 2 to 3 days...no matter what I do to soften my head,  it takes time for the hardness to go away.

In the mean time, I am confused, frustrated, angry, on top of feeling sad, which adds to the clusterfuck I call "emotional instability"...

I can listen to my advocate trying to placate the hardness.  The words he says, I understand...my heart wants to, no longs to, give up the sadness, but "wanting" and actually happening, are two very different needs.   

My depression is like an injury to my brain.  I am injured, and it hurts and I feel like dog shit and think about dying...it takes days for this to pass......

much like a physical injury takes days to weeks to months to heal....

Depression is like a physical injury to the brain and heart.  Both hurt and cry and break into thousands of pieces, and the next days or week is me, trying to put all the pieces back together with super glue.  Its a sticky fucking mess....

To anyone outside looking in they just don't get it.

I know I am blessed.  I have financial stability, a good man, a beautiful apartment, no job or responsibilities, truly retired....I KNOW THAT IN MY HEAD

I know the hard solid facts of my life.....but its the soft tidbits that hurt me.  The voices telling me "I am stupid, ugly, unlovable, paranoid, ridiculous, etc....

In the midst of a deep depression, I have to also understand and deal with the negative voices that are with me....it is so fucking easy to agree with those voices, it is damn near impossible to disagree with them....what happens now is: 

 No one is calling me names anymore or treating me badly, I am not being abused, ignored or any of those things, yet my head tricks me into thinking about things in the wrong fucking way.  My head takes everything so fucking literally...and my head is the most stubborn of all, because I have to agree with everything my brain tells me....

I know that I am "broken".

I know that I am "split"

I know that I am "ugly" (not ugly in a physical sense, per se, but in general)

I know that I am an "emotional nightmare"

I know that I am "unreasonable"

I know that I am "stupid".

All of those things work together in my head, constantly, no matter what my ears hear, my brain mutes those words, so I don't hear them.  All I hear is:

"they have to say that"

"I am just being placated"

"I am not taken seriously"

"I am a fucking drain on any relationship"

"why is this person saying those things"

It is impossible in the moment of "depression" to look at the positive, to even listen to the positive being told you...it sounds like a broken record.....repeat, repeat, repeat..but the repetition in not a learning curve....I will never learn that I am anything other than a broken women.

Held together by water based glue, as soon as I get wet, the glue dissolves and I fall apart again....and the process of surviving begins all over.  

Every time I feel I am finally whole, emotionally stable, happy and content..I get wet and the glue starts to dissolve, until I am a million little pieces again...and the emotional break has to be dealt with again, and again, and again.

Am I tired of feeling this way?  I have even been accused of "wanting" to be depressed.

How does a person "want" depression...what is the gain?  How could a person want unhappy instead of happy????  I was told "you enjoy being miserable"...the fuck????

I hate it.....words are too easy to say, to pat....because it is not "words" that are fucking me up, its something in my brain, malfunctioning, and trying to shut down....and not just to shut down my head, but to shut down my entire body...

Fighting depression is like bringing a knife to a gunfight....just damn near impossible to win.  You are useless....and a joke, with everybody laughing at the little girl who brought a knife....how stupid.

Anyhow,  I will if anything, try and put one foot in front of the other and forge on...

fake it until I make it.....

S, sophee