the get go

 So she talked with John yesterday.  He had gotten back from NM, Steve Lenzo got married.  She asked him how his mother was,  he said good.  He also proceeded to tell her who he saw at the wedding and around town.  

At that moment, she left....I listened to him.  I remembered our friends we had together.  Even though John and his friends had no ideal that I was present most of the time.  I still basically grew up with his crowd.  I miss them.  I miss the couples we knew...

I hate how lonely John felt, all by himself at a wedding.  I am sure everybody wanted to know about "Sparrow",  she feels guilty for leaving....even though she had to leave....

I wonder if he will ever understand, me, or Sophee, or Ally, or Sammy or Lilly....will his overeducated mind even accept her DID??

She is so afraid of being outed....yet, she is tired of hiding, pretending and being unhappy,  she yearns to be free...but by being free is she willing to give up her entire family and friends??

Will she be called a liar....it is not her fault that we are here.   Yet, when everything comes out...what will she feel?

Will John accept the fact that he was married to me, not to her all those years?  Will he feel cheated?  Why didn't he know that something was wrong?  or different, or odd?

She feels sad for John.  How tough it must be, being John.

I really like John, I guess I love him...I am christian like him...he is a good man, overall....yet, I am over him...I wish him no harm, but Sparrow needs to be away from him, I get it...I don't need him either,  I don't need anyone...but Sparrow needs a man in her life, she needs to feel loved, cherished and taken care of, she needs to feel important enough to love....she has that here...and I am happy for her.  She did not have that in Oklahoma.  She was only Johns wife, or the kids mother...Sparrow was a nobody....

Here she is somebody, or at least she is trying to be somebody...her own unique person, like us.  I know its hard for her sharing her mind with us, but it is easier for her to cope when we help her....we have always helped her....why?

because we have too.....

We, unlike her husband and kids and family, will never leave her,  or doubt her.  We are the only constant she has ever had in her life...that and her dogs.

I hate for her to get all mixed up inside with guilt and sad feelings for John, I feel that is my fault because I like him...but I know, he may have been good enough for me, he was not good for her....she was dying inside and out...we could not have that....

The simple fact is, if she dies, we all die with her.....we want her to live, and most of the time she wants to live too...thanks to her "advocate", the one person who has believed her from the get go....

He has given her hope, joy, happiness and a sense of purpose.  Good.  And he says he loves her, and I believe he really does.

I have not caught him in a lie, yet.

Tessa