Mothers Day

 Well it is mothers day in America.  The day everyone celebrates their mothers.....The day I dread over every other day.  You see, when I decided to leave my kids father, that put a huge chasm between me and my kids.  One of my sons no longer speaks to me and has not spoken to me in 4 yrs.  I only get sporadic texts from the other two kids.  I guess a mother is only a mother if the family is all together........

I spent my life being the best mother I knew how to be.  I did not have any training on motherhood, I did not have a role model (my mother was NOT a mother in any way), so I had to wing it.  Pretend I knew what I was doing, or most likely Tessa knew what she was doing....So before I became a mother I did these things:

I looked for a man who I knew would be a good father, provider and husband.

I looked for a man who was gentle and respectful, honorable and had a future.

I looked for a man who would be the father to my kids, that would love them, discipline them, support them, and be active in their lives.

I looked for a kind decent christian man, with a good family background (no divorce)..

I found that man, I married him, had three kids with him, and spent the next 34 years being his wife, and my kids mother.  

I was proud that I was able to be a mom,  and that I actually loved my children.  I was so afraid I would turn out to be just like my mother...but thank the goddess I DID NOT.

But most of all, I found a man who would not lie, hurt, cheat, steal or abuse either me or my children in any way...

My plan to be a mother worked.   For awhile.

But once my kids grew up and left home, I was left with the perfect father, but he was not what I picked for me, I picked him for my future children.  Now that the children were gone,  being alone with him....I COULD NOT DO.  

I did my part in procreation, I hit my goal with motherhood...now it is time for me.

I woke up this morning, not planning on hearing from my kids at all, maybe a text from two of them but that is it...no phone call, no cards, no gifts, nothing...just a sad little "Happy Mothers Day" text. (they will only send that much as so they can pat themselves on the back for remembering the day)

Another reason I dread mothers day...I dread having to "perform" as a mother, to send my own mother a card...My mother was no fucking mother...yet society dictates that we honor them....she did give me life....but the pressure to "honor" her is too fucking great for me...I don't love her, most times I hate her.....

So knowing that today (Mothers day) was going to be so fucking hard for me, my advocate came over last night, we watched a movie, spent time just being friends, then I went to bed......the next morning I got up walked into the kitchen and boom...on the table..

I stood there staring...so surprised that I burst into tears.  This man, my advocate is not my husband or the father to my kids, yet he is more of a husband and friend than my "real" husband ever was...he even bought a card (which he has only done one other time)...WOW...the plant is even one that I saw and remarked days ago how pretty it was...He remembered and went back and bought it for me....

Why couldn't I have found this man early on to be my husband and kids father?  If he had been my husband, then not only would my children have been happy, I would have been happy and actually in love with my husband....and I would have never left....

Oh how hindsight is a bitter pill....but, my three kids are here, healthy, beautiful and thriving...thanks to their dad.

And I am finally happy, content, and putting myself first, for the first time in my entire life...My kids have their own families and lives now...they are living theirs, and I am now living my life,  MY LIFE.

Happy Mothers day to me...

S