just go

 So my "locked up" dream, came forward yesterday..It is just another fuck thing that happened to me as a child....not horrendous, but certainly horrible and disgusting...

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The mom and dad, sister, herself, and brother all were "traveling" (I think) and it got late so they found a place to sleep for the night.  They all trudged up a flight of stairs, down a long outdoor hallway and into a room.  The room had two full size beds in it.  One bed for the mom and dad, the second bed for the 2 girls and little brother.  

She immediately picked the side of the bed that was basically up against a wall...she does not like having anything behind her...(to this day, when going into a restaurant or place that has seating, she will always sit with her back against the wall...to watch for bad people)..she laid in the bed with her sister beside her and the brother beside the sister closest to the bed the parents were sleeping in.   She felt safe...surely nothing would happen in the same room as everybody....

she was wrong.

She lay there, listening to the sleeping, the snoring and finally drifted off to sleep.  At some point a pillow was laid over her face...not suffocating but still over her face...he was there.....

he leaned his head in close and whispered to her under the pillow..."don't make a sound" "if you wake anyone up, they will be hurt very badly, and you don't want that, do you?"  she shook her head, NO.  He always said that, just before he would touch her...it was his mantra....

slowly she felt his hand go under the covers, find her leg and he started massaging it ...slowly moving his hand up towards her private parts...she closed her eyes and thought of being far away, in a cemetery...safe....

His hand found her, he probed her and inserted his finger, all the while breathing in her ear and whispering "be a good little girl, stay quiet, this is not hurting you."

She never made a sound, she concentrated on her breathing, which was difficult under the pillow..but she could breathe...his hand was down there, seemed like forever...finally he pulled his hand out from her, slowly took the pillow off her face, leaned in and kissed her on the forehead...a sweet tender  barely there kiss....".goodnight angel."

She did not sleep after that, but lay there pretending to be someone else, somewhere else, she wanted to run away.....

She also knew that by "being quiet, and not saying a word", she saved the lives of her sister and brother and mom...or at least that is what her little brain told her...she was a good girl, she obeyed him, she kept her family safe.......

S,T, sophee

(I wanna say that this memory takes place at a hotel of some sort, but I may be getting two different memories trying to merge into one...we may have also been at a family members house that the room occupied two beds...not sure, so long ago...) 

Sparrow

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this and other situations like this, I believe have reinforced in Sammy the pressure to never speak, to always be silent...if she speaks, people are hurt.

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the quiet was deafening

the air too still

he was coming

in for the kill.

she knew to smile

despite the scream

maybe it is all

just a horrible dream....

his hand too warm

his breath too hot,

maybe he will leave her,

but she thinks, not.

why why why,

is all she wants to know...

that and please,

please just go.....

Sammy