New Tatt for girls.

 So, as part of my "accepting" the alters and my "new" life...I decided to get another tattoo....can't be more accepting of something than to have it inked permanently on your body!

I represented Sophee and Lilly in the tattoo.  Lilly now believes that she is a flower not a demon, and Sophee has her beloved dagger...so my advocate put together a piece/picture and I found a tattoo artist to do the tatt.

It was a long process, 4 and half hours....hurt like a bitch...but its done.

I love the detail in the dagger, very good.  I settled for the orange tiger Lilly, because the tiger is at the top of the food chain...and Lilly is like the Tiger of all the alters...she is the main one the Palace Guard..so I thought tiger Lilly would be a good fit.

my advocate has not talked with Lilly or Sophee to see what they think of the tattoo, but I think they will like it...I guess, the tatt is on my left side with the others so that will make Sophee happy...she wants no marks on "her" side of the body, which is the right side.

It is hilarious how much you forget between tatts on the pain...OMG it hurts like a sonofabitch...ugh!

S

the get go

 So she talked with John yesterday.  He had gotten back from NM, Steve Lenzo got married.  She asked him how his mother was,  he said good.  He also proceeded to tell her who he saw at the wedding and around town.  

At that moment, she left....I listened to him.  I remembered our friends we had together.  Even though John and his friends had no ideal that I was present most of the time.  I still basically grew up with his crowd.  I miss them.  I miss the couples we knew...

I hate how lonely John felt, all by himself at a wedding.  I am sure everybody wanted to know about "Sparrow",  she feels guilty for leaving....even though she had to leave....

I wonder if he will ever understand, me, or Sophee, or Ally, or Sammy or Lilly....will his overeducated mind even accept her DID??

She is so afraid of being outed....yet, she is tired of hiding, pretending and being unhappy,  she yearns to be free...but by being free is she willing to give up her entire family and friends??

Will she be called a liar....it is not her fault that we are here.   Yet, when everything comes out...what will she feel?

Will John accept the fact that he was married to me, not to her all those years?  Will he feel cheated?  Why didn't he know that something was wrong?  or different, or odd?

She feels sad for John.  How tough it must be, being John.

I really like John, I guess I love him...I am christian like him...he is a good man, overall....yet, I am over him...I wish him no harm, but Sparrow needs to be away from him, I get it...I don't need him either,  I don't need anyone...but Sparrow needs a man in her life, she needs to feel loved, cherished and taken care of, she needs to feel important enough to love....she has that here...and I am happy for her.  She did not have that in Oklahoma.  She was only Johns wife, or the kids mother...Sparrow was a nobody....

Here she is somebody, or at least she is trying to be somebody...her own unique person, like us.  I know its hard for her sharing her mind with us, but it is easier for her to cope when we help her....we have always helped her....why?

because we have too.....

We, unlike her husband and kids and family, will never leave her,  or doubt her.  We are the only constant she has ever had in her life...that and her dogs.

I hate for her to get all mixed up inside with guilt and sad feelings for John, I feel that is my fault because I like him...but I know, he may have been good enough for me, he was not good for her....she was dying inside and out...we could not have that....

The simple fact is, if she dies, we all die with her.....we want her to live, and most of the time she wants to live too...thanks to her "advocate", the one person who has believed her from the get go....

He has given her hope, joy, happiness and a sense of purpose.  Good.  And he says he loves her, and I believe he really does.

I have not caught him in a lie, yet.

Tessa

Highway freak out

 Ok, so there is something about the highway that triggers a full on panic attack.  My advocate and I were on the highway (me with the kayaks) and him in his car.  I was following him, and I noticed a weird sound coming from the kayaks...I called my advocate and he said to pull over so he would check the straps.  I pulled over to the shoulder, the traffic was so heavy and my Advocate just popped out his car and walked up to mine, I swear I thought he would get clipped by the traffic..I started screaming at him, and I totally freaked out and went black.....

This is the second time, I freaked out...another time was when he had to change a tire on the highway...

My hands were shaking so bad.  I do not know how I drove off that highway...there is something there...a memory of some kind....that has to do with highways....I am petrified to remember that!  If you saw the major PTSD I get on the highway...I can drive fine, no problem, but walking along the highway freaks me the fuck out....seriously!

There is probably some type of horrible memory waiting for me, in regards to the highway...I am not looking forward to that recall, at all.....

S

FUCK IT

 Why the fuck can't anything work out right, go right....every goddamn fucking thing I attempt falls flat on the face....

I do my taxes, never hear from them again....4 mos later, no refund...but my advocate doesn't file for 4 fucking years, he files them all at once and in a month gets all his refunds and stimulus's....

So, being a law abiding citizen is fucked.  What the fuck is wrong with me????????

Why is everything I touch, everything I do, back fire in my stupid face....???

I loose every thing....I lost paperwork for a credit card, over night and the paperwork is gone...what the fuck???

I HATE MYSELF....I AM SUCH A STUPID EXCUSE FOR A PERSON.  I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT, EVEN WHEN I TRY, I FALL FLAT....

MY ADVOCATE WOULD SAY, ITS NOT YOU, ITS THE IRS...FUCK THAT, THE IRS BLESSED HIM AND IS FUCKING ME....

I can't get any one to answer a fucking phone,  pre recordings....

I can't find anything, I am such a loser...a goddamn motherfucking ass wipe loser.

I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW I CAN'T STAND IT....I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO EXPLODE....I CANNOT DO LIFE ON LIFES TERMS....

THAT IS APPARENT....SO I NEED TO JUST NOT DO LIFE....

FUCK IT

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Okay, so I saw the above writing....I, Sparrow, did not write that.  Yesterday I had a very frustrating day, and sometimes when my frustration grows to anger I tend to black out....I do not know who wrote that...they did not sign it.  I am not going to delete anymore, any of my " girls" writings.  They have something to say, whether it is good or bad or socially acceptable.  So please know, that if a writing is not signed, it was written by an alter, not Sparrow.

S

definition of stupid

 Stupid:  Having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense.

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Being confused,

makes a person seem stupid.

Being mistaken, most of the time,

makes a person look stupid.

Getting upset about mistakes,

makes a person act stupid.

Not understanding a simple concept,

incredibly stupid.

Having to have things explained to her as if she were a child,

the epitome of stupid.

There is no intelligence,

for stupid people.

And that is her,

the stupid people...

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I did not write the above "poem".  I do not know who wrote it because they did not sign their name...

S

water base glue

 I am so tired of my emotional instability.   I seem to not be able to control it, at all.  If I have a hard day one day, my head will carry that "hardness" for the next 2 to 3 days...no matter what I do to soften my head,  it takes time for the hardness to go away.

In the mean time, I am confused, frustrated, angry, on top of feeling sad, which adds to the clusterfuck I call "emotional instability"...

I can listen to my advocate trying to placate the hardness.  The words he says, I understand...my heart wants to, no longs to, give up the sadness, but "wanting" and actually happening, are two very different needs.   

My depression is like an injury to my brain.  I am injured, and it hurts and I feel like dog shit and think about dying...it takes days for this to pass......

much like a physical injury takes days to weeks to months to heal....

Depression is like a physical injury to the brain and heart.  Both hurt and cry and break into thousands of pieces, and the next days or week is me, trying to put all the pieces back together with super glue.  Its a sticky fucking mess....

To anyone outside looking in they just don't get it.

I know I am blessed.  I have financial stability, a good man, a beautiful apartment, no job or responsibilities, truly retired....I KNOW THAT IN MY HEAD

I know the hard solid facts of my life.....but its the soft tidbits that hurt me.  The voices telling me "I am stupid, ugly, unlovable, paranoid, ridiculous, etc....

In the midst of a deep depression, I have to also understand and deal with the negative voices that are with me....it is so fucking easy to agree with those voices, it is damn near impossible to disagree with them....what happens now is: 

 No one is calling me names anymore or treating me badly, I am not being abused, ignored or any of those things, yet my head tricks me into thinking about things in the wrong fucking way.  My head takes everything so fucking literally...and my head is the most stubborn of all, because I have to agree with everything my brain tells me....

I know that I am "broken".

I know that I am "split"

I know that I am "ugly" (not ugly in a physical sense, per se, but in general)

I know that I am an "emotional nightmare"

I know that I am "unreasonable"

I know that I am "stupid".

All of those things work together in my head, constantly, no matter what my ears hear, my brain mutes those words, so I don't hear them.  All I hear is:

"they have to say that"

"I am just being placated"

"I am not taken seriously"

"I am a fucking drain on any relationship"

"why is this person saying those things"

It is impossible in the moment of "depression" to look at the positive, to even listen to the positive being told you...it sounds like a broken record.....repeat, repeat, repeat..but the repetition in not a learning curve....I will never learn that I am anything other than a broken women.

Held together by water based glue, as soon as I get wet, the glue dissolves and I fall apart again....and the process of surviving begins all over.  

Every time I feel I am finally whole, emotionally stable, happy and content..I get wet and the glue starts to dissolve, until I am a million little pieces again...and the emotional break has to be dealt with again, and again, and again.

Am I tired of feeling this way?  I have even been accused of "wanting" to be depressed.

How does a person "want" depression...what is the gain?  How could a person want unhappy instead of happy????  I was told "you enjoy being miserable"...the fuck????

I hate it.....words are too easy to say, to pat....because it is not "words" that are fucking me up, its something in my brain, malfunctioning, and trying to shut down....and not just to shut down my head, but to shut down my entire body...

Fighting depression is like bringing a knife to a gunfight....just damn near impossible to win.  You are useless....and a joke, with everybody laughing at the little girl who brought a knife....how stupid.

Anyhow,  I will if anything, try and put one foot in front of the other and forge on...

fake it until I make it.....

S, sophee

Mothers Day

 Well it is mothers day in America.  The day everyone celebrates their mothers.....The day I dread over every other day.  You see, when I decided to leave my kids father, that put a huge chasm between me and my kids.  One of my sons no longer speaks to me and has not spoken to me in 4 yrs.  I only get sporadic texts from the other two kids.  I guess a mother is only a mother if the family is all together........

I spent my life being the best mother I knew how to be.  I did not have any training on motherhood, I did not have a role model (my mother was NOT a mother in any way), so I had to wing it.  Pretend I knew what I was doing, or most likely Tessa knew what she was doing....So before I became a mother I did these things:

I looked for a man who I knew would be a good father, provider and husband.

I looked for a man who was gentle and respectful, honorable and had a future.

I looked for a man who would be the father to my kids, that would love them, discipline them, support them, and be active in their lives.

I looked for a kind decent christian man, with a good family background (no divorce)..

I found that man, I married him, had three kids with him, and spent the next 34 years being his wife, and my kids mother.  

I was proud that I was able to be a mom,  and that I actually loved my children.  I was so afraid I would turn out to be just like my mother...but thank the goddess I DID NOT.

But most of all, I found a man who would not lie, hurt, cheat, steal or abuse either me or my children in any way...

My plan to be a mother worked.   For awhile.

But once my kids grew up and left home, I was left with the perfect father, but he was not what I picked for me, I picked him for my future children.  Now that the children were gone,  being alone with him....I COULD NOT DO.  

I did my part in procreation, I hit my goal with motherhood...now it is time for me.

I woke up this morning, not planning on hearing from my kids at all, maybe a text from two of them but that is it...no phone call, no cards, no gifts, nothing...just a sad little "Happy Mothers Day" text. (they will only send that much as so they can pat themselves on the back for remembering the day)

Another reason I dread mothers day...I dread having to "perform" as a mother, to send my own mother a card...My mother was no fucking mother...yet society dictates that we honor them....she did give me life....but the pressure to "honor" her is too fucking great for me...I don't love her, most times I hate her.....

So knowing that today (Mothers day) was going to be so fucking hard for me, my advocate came over last night, we watched a movie, spent time just being friends, then I went to bed......the next morning I got up walked into the kitchen and boom...on the table..

I stood there staring...so surprised that I burst into tears.  This man, my advocate is not my husband or the father to my kids, yet he is more of a husband and friend than my "real" husband ever was...he even bought a card (which he has only done one other time)...WOW...the plant is even one that I saw and remarked days ago how pretty it was...He remembered and went back and bought it for me....

Why couldn't I have found this man early on to be my husband and kids father?  If he had been my husband, then not only would my children have been happy, I would have been happy and actually in love with my husband....and I would have never left....

Oh how hindsight is a bitter pill....but, my three kids are here, healthy, beautiful and thriving...thanks to their dad.

And I am finally happy, content, and putting myself first, for the first time in my entire life...My kids have their own families and lives now...they are living theirs, and I am now living my life,  MY LIFE.

Happy Mothers day to me...

S

just go

 So my "locked up" dream, came forward yesterday..It is just another fuck thing that happened to me as a child....not horrendous, but certainly horrible and disgusting...

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The mom and dad, sister, herself, and brother all were "traveling" (I think) and it got late so they found a place to sleep for the night.  They all trudged up a flight of stairs, down a long outdoor hallway and into a room.  The room had two full size beds in it.  One bed for the mom and dad, the second bed for the 2 girls and little brother.  

She immediately picked the side of the bed that was basically up against a wall...she does not like having anything behind her...(to this day, when going into a restaurant or place that has seating, she will always sit with her back against the wall...to watch for bad people)..she laid in the bed with her sister beside her and the brother beside the sister closest to the bed the parents were sleeping in.   She felt safe...surely nothing would happen in the same room as everybody....

she was wrong.

She lay there, listening to the sleeping, the snoring and finally drifted off to sleep.  At some point a pillow was laid over her face...not suffocating but still over her face...he was there.....

he leaned his head in close and whispered to her under the pillow..."don't make a sound" "if you wake anyone up, they will be hurt very badly, and you don't want that, do you?"  she shook her head, NO.  He always said that, just before he would touch her...it was his mantra....

slowly she felt his hand go under the covers, find her leg and he started massaging it ...slowly moving his hand up towards her private parts...she closed her eyes and thought of being far away, in a cemetery...safe....

His hand found her, he probed her and inserted his finger, all the while breathing in her ear and whispering "be a good little girl, stay quiet, this is not hurting you."

She never made a sound, she concentrated on her breathing, which was difficult under the pillow..but she could breathe...his hand was down there, seemed like forever...finally he pulled his hand out from her, slowly took the pillow off her face, leaned in and kissed her on the forehead...a sweet tender  barely there kiss....".goodnight angel."

She did not sleep after that, but lay there pretending to be someone else, somewhere else, she wanted to run away.....

She also knew that by "being quiet, and not saying a word", she saved the lives of her sister and brother and mom...or at least that is what her little brain told her...she was a good girl, she obeyed him, she kept her family safe.......

S,T, sophee

(I wanna say that this memory takes place at a hotel of some sort, but I may be getting two different memories trying to merge into one...we may have also been at a family members house that the room occupied two beds...not sure, so long ago...) 

Sparrow

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this and other situations like this, I believe have reinforced in Sammy the pressure to never speak, to always be silent...if she speaks, people are hurt.

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the quiet was deafening

the air too still

he was coming

in for the kill.

she knew to smile

despite the scream

maybe it is all

just a horrible dream....

his hand too warm

his breath too hot,

maybe he will leave her,

but she thinks, not.

why why why,

is all she wants to know...

that and please,

please just go.....

Sammy

locked up dream

 So, yesterday we finished filming our 6th installment on Youtube.  "Tessa, and the ring".  Filming went pretty smooth, the girls did not seem to get upset or anything...I like the way the video turned out...Overall, filming was easier this time than the other times...

Later, I was tired and laid down to take a nap.  Only sleeping eluded me,  I started dreaming in that pre-rem phase...I remember walking up to a hotel, with my family...and a pillow.......

WTF why a pillow.???  what is so fucking awful about a pillow???

My advocate said that Sophee came out of the room, and grabbed a cigarette and was very upset about something....probably a memory....she did not divulge anything to him, and I guess eventually Sparrow came back....

At bedtime, I was so tired, so I went to bed.  I laid down for bed around 10 pm.  At 1:45 am I was still awake...so I took a sleeping pill...I think I finally fell asleep around 3.  I did not dream....

I believe a memory is trying to come forward, and Sophee is stopping it.  So where is the memory coming from, whose memory is it, why  won't Sophee let me have it?? what is the memory?  Do I really want to know????

As far as sleeping, ordinarily I am sleeping so much better since being able to lock my door, so to have a memory trying to come out really threw me for a loop in the sleep department...

Either come out or fucking go away!!!

S

Mothers Day

 Well it is that time of year again...Mothers Day.  My most hated holiday, next to Easter and Christmas....I can avoid or ignore those holidays, but I have a mom, and she is still alive, hard to avoid and ignore her.  She is my mother, she didn't abort me, or give me up,  she kept me, put a roof over my head, food in my mouth and close on my back.  BUT THAT WAS THE EXTENT OF HER MOTHERING.

As a mother myself, I gave my entire life to my kids.  I went to all their school activities and functions.  I supported all their sports, I told them daily, I love them, I poured all the "mother" love I knew, into my kids.  I listened to them, laughed with them, cried with them, taught them right from wrong, and most of all, I was and still am their biggest fan.  I was there for them, whenever they needed me.....

MY MOTHER WAS NONE OF THOSE THINGS.  But still, I feel obliged to send her a card...and I hate that, because all those fucking mothers day cards say so much bullshit that absolutely does not apply to my mother....It takes me hours to find the right card that really doesn't say shit, except Happy Mothers Day....

But you know, I still send her a card....MY KIDS have never sent me a card, I may get a text, but thats it, and I WAS A GOOD AND LOVING AND CARING MOTHER, yet my own kids blow me off....they act like I am Patsy (my mom) and treated them like shit all their lives...hmmmmm

I wonder how they would feel if I treated them the exact way my mom treated me???

So in a word, MOTHERS DAY SUCKS, ALL THE FUCKING MOTHERS DAY MEMES ON SOCIAL MEDIA ARE MAKING ME SICK TO MY STOMACH...

NOT ALL MOTHERS WILL BE THERE FOR YOU....

NOT ALL MOTHERS LOVE THEIR KIDS...

NOT ALL MOTHERS ARE THE BEST FRIENDS OF THEIR DAUGHTERS...

NOT ALL MOTHERS ARE NURTURING...

SOME MOTHERS ARE MONSTERS....

MY MOTHER IS A MONSTER......I spent and wasted years trying to get her to love me, all in vain...my mother is incapable of loving me...she hates me...I did not ask to be born...its not my fault....yet she has always treated me as the mistake or black sheep....she has belittled and criticized me all my life...and I am suppose to be the good daughter and send her a card???

FUCK THAT SHIT...I could never be good enough, smart enough, for her...I was stupid stupid stupid...I am the biggest disappointment of her life...don't believe me?? ask her.

Here is my Mothers Day wish for my mom:

I HOPE SHE HAS A PERFECTLY MISERABLE DAY

I HOPE SHE CHOKES ON HER MOTHERS DAY MEAL

I HOPE SHE REMEMBERS ALL THE HORRIBLE TIMES SHE ABUSED ME AND I HOPE SHE DROWNS IN HER OWN GUILT.

MOST OF ALL...I HOPE SHE REALIZES WHAT SHE LOST AND IT EATS HER AWAY AT NIGHT FOR THE REST OF HER SORRY LIFE....

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY...PATSY

S, sophee