too much attention

 Omg.,  I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me!  Ugh,  last night, while we were filming our Youtube Video "How do Alters get their names?" which should have been our easiest and shortest video to shoot....ended up being, the hardest so far.  I am not in this video (thank goodness) but the explanations of how the girls got their names fucked me up.  

Even before we started, my advocate talked to each girl to get their story of their name...which was fine, but when Lilly was asked it fucked me up (when Lilly fronts, I get thunderclap headache pain which is almost unbearable)  we really did not even want to call her out, but we needed more info on Ally's name.   It was confirmed by Lilly, that she named Ally...she even created Ally....huh

So, talking to Lilly made my head hurt even more than usual.  Then when filming started, there were all the aggravating fuck up and re-shoot shit that goes with filming, but when the topic of Kaos name came up,  I almost couldn't breathe....just reliving and remembering the event that spawned her, fucked me up....I know it has been 50 plus years since that event....but in Kaos mind it is happening right this instant...and that effects me tremendously...it just basically fucked me up for the rest of the night, and we did not get finished filming.

I am even wondering if I can handle doing these videos...it is so fucking emotionally jarring for me....We did discuss not putting out two a month, but just one....I think one a month is good.....

we also need to start working on a video days..before filming, not the day of filming or running through thoughts the night before....we are not organized enough...that would help too.....and the days we are filming, we need to hit the ground running, not fuck around half the day, then try to shoot.....it puts too much pressure on me and my girls to try and film at the last fucking minute without good preparation...

A 10-minute video takes two fucking days to shoot.....10 fucking minutes!!!!!!!  ugh

I wonder if the other DID people who have videos, have as much problem with shooting and their alters interference as we seem to be having...??

Maybe this video was so fucking hard because we were addressing all 7 alters....we had all their attention, whereas in other videos its one alter or situation being addressed and the other alters are evidently "doing something else!"

I don't know, its like, I am excited to shoot a new video, and at the same time, when it is finally uploaded I am so fucking relieved that it is over....I SHOULD NOT BE FEELING THAT WAY.  

anyway,  hopefully tonight I can get my fucking shit together and we can finish this video.

S