ponder

 How could I have not known that I have multiple personalities?  How did I navigate life for 50 yrs, blind to the fact I had alters???  It seems impossible to imagine and it seems illogical.   But, that is exactly me.

My entire life has been a series of "WTF", from drug use, to occult practice, wreckless sex, self-harm (which is actually Sophee, but did not know it), to extreme frustration and low self-esteem...confusion and rage.  I had outburst of rage where I broke things, hit people etc...I couldn't remember shit...I always felt so unhappy or off...I would see pictures of me places I have no memory of being at....family events I can't recall, except for pictures...I had depression and headaches my entire life...been treated for every fucking mental illness out there....nothing stopped the chaos in my head...I never felt happy, content or loved...I seemed to be looking for someone or something all my life and never could find it...I felt lost and out of place every single day...I felt like a stranger in my own skin and with my family..

50+ years of trying to be "normal" when I knew in my head I was a freak of sorts...

I had monsters in my head...I thought, giving me violent dreams of planes crashing, being beat, running for my life, suffocating etc...screaming with no sound coming out....horrible fucking nightmares, constantly...

I finally tried to stop the madness in my head.  It landed me in treatment, then shortly after I left OKlahoma...I couldn't stay there...it was not my home, I had no home of my own, it was my husbands home, my kids home....not mine.  I could not be "me", I had to conform to the family christians values and that was killing me inside....

Now, I know why I felt, did, thought and acted a certain way....it wasn't just me, it was 7 of me....all acting, thinking, feeling differently than me, Sparrow...What the hell???

Now I know why I did so many drugs...to "stop" the madness in my head...to not have to remember or cope, to dull my brain...to try and get it to sleep and leave me the fuck alone...

Not sure why I am even writing this blog...but I am glad that I am not insane, just different.  DID is not insanity, in fact, without DID, I would be insane!  

Something to ponder......

S