POETIC JUSTICE

 By far, shooting the video about Sophee has been the hardest.  She is a persecutor.  A hard alter to understand and even like.

she literally was born in the middle of beat down I was getting from my mother.  She was born out of rage.  Me as a little girl was no match for her, she was my mom, I was suppose to love her, but my mind said "fuck that shit" and in the middle of the beat down, Sophee rose up and kicked the shit out of her, my mom....

who beats their own parents?  their own mother?  Aren't mothers suppose to be our safe place?  Doesn't everyone on Tv that wins awards, thank their Mother???  Thank you mom for pushing me to be the best I could be...thank you mom for encouraging me in my passions....thank you mom for always being their for me and supporting me....blah blah blah

I can't thank my mother for a damn thing, not even for being born...as she has often told me "I wish you had never been born...I would have aborted you if I could have..."

I was talking to my dad on the phone and asked a bout mom....he said she does not leave the house, she does not sleep at night, she lays around all day on the couch,  he said the doctors all say she is healthy as can be for a 78 yr old woman...yet she has become basically agoraphobic....

I hope it is more that she is being eaten away by guilt.  Guilt of the mother she was to me, guilt for hurting and abusing me all those years ago....guilt because she knows I hate her.  Guilt in realizing that she was a shit mother.  (except to my baby brother, who was and still is the Golden Child.)

Guilt in knowing she is gonna die alone...no daughter to take care of her when she is no longer able to take care of herself...FUCK THAT!  that will be the golden childs job.

She was never a MOTHER to me, so I will never be a DAUGHTER to her.

I hope that when she does sleep, her sleep is full of night terrors and nightmares....I hope her guilty conscious eats her up inside.

I AM FINALLY SLEEPING AT NIGHT AND SHE IS NOT...POETIC JUSTICE

S