me vs Ed

 So I just finished watching a show on the real "Psycho" the one that inspired the movie and other movies...The story of Ed Gein.  In the late 1950's in a small town, a man lived with his mother.  His mother was extremely abusive in every way.  She was a strict christian fanatic and completely controlling of her son, Ed.  When she died, Ed started killing women and cutting off their skin to make a female body (with the skin, and other body parts), even their faces...Ed was extremely mentally ill and suffered from extensive and unrelenting abuse from his mother.  (His brother and father had died earlier).  He was building his "mother" suit, from the parts of his victims).  He would also dig up freshly dead women in a cemetery to steal them and their hair, skin, ears, etc...

This man was horrifying,  yet fascinating.

As I was watching this documentary, I started noticing similarities of me to Ed.  Extremely abused, physically, emotionally, sexually, you name it.  Unrelenting abuse that included the killing of animals...He was awkward and very quiet and unassuming in public, like I was.  He was a loner, like I was....and everyday after school, he had to walk home to the house of horrors.....like I did...

The difference between him and me is this.  My mind split, his mind became evil.  Why?

Why do some people become abusive monsters themselves after being relentlessly abused?  Why do some people handle the abuse with their mind splitting up, developing other alters...?

I believe I could have so easily became a mass murderer, or child abuser, or any type of abuser...I could have easily been violent and mean, in and out of jail, a total useless piece of societal flesh...a danger to self and others....

But I didn't.  My mind escaped the horrors by simply going away, becoming someone else..forgetting.....How can a mind do that?  How can my one mind actually be like 7 minds??  Why didn't Ed Gaines mind split? or did it, in a very evil way....?

The mind is a funny thing.  Take Ted Bundy, he had the idyllic childhood.  His family was middle class and he never was abused, he had privilege.  Yet he was a serial killer with absolutely no remorse....

I guess I am thankful for the turn my mind took...somehow I survived and lived a relatively normal life, happy and full....never knowing of my 6 little secrets until my mind was ready.  

Tessa, Lilly, Ally, Sammy, Sophee, Kaos, Sparrow...it literally took a village to raise me.

S