So I had a really good 59th birthday. My advocate and his son made me breakfast. Then we went hiking came back, and they then made dinner for me. The night before they baked me a carrot cake birthday cake. I got some wonderful gifts in the mail from friends and my sister. My mom sent me a check for $25.oo addressed to Melissa, and my brother sent me a text "happy birthday Missy".....WHEN WILL THEY GET IT THROUGH THEIR THICK SKULLS I AM NOT MISSY OR MELISSA ANYMORE....I AM SPARROW. Its like they refuse to acknowledge my new legal name, they want to keep me down...stop me from flying....
Two of my kids sent me birthday texts, but my son Cory, nothing. He still is treating me like dog shit for leaving his dad....I have been gone nearly 4 yrs and he is still being a dick about it. Even my X sent me a happy birthday text....
Sometimes when I am driving around Virginia and Roanoke, I get this real dejavu sense, like what the hell am I doing here? This is not Oklahoma.....
And it seems Tessa is still not use to looking over in the drivers seat of the jeep and seeing my advocate driving...she is use to seeing John driving...it must give her that dejavu feeling too....
The ring that my Advocate ordered for Tessa and me is almost finished and going to be shipped next week. It is a beautiful titanium ring, half black and half blue. The black side is me and the blue is Tessa's. This is to help me, my advocate and others know who they might be talking too...if the blue part is on top...its Tessa...if the black is on top, it is me, Sparrow. Since Tessa is my twin, this is the easiest way to tell us apart....this new ring. Both Tessa and I are sick of being asked "Are you Tessa?" or "Are you Sparrow?", now just a quick look to the hand and whoola, the identity will be easy to know...
Like a quick look to my hand to see which direction...left or right....(the L and R tatts)
The ring is my birthday present from my advocate, it just didn't get finished in time for my birthday.....belated birthday is good....
I hope I don't lose it, I have lost more rings....ugh!
My new life is so very different from my old life....night and day....and after nearly 4 years I am still surprised at where I am now, where I am physically and emotionally in comparison to where I was then....Life has changed so fucking much...most days for the better, but some days, I get so homesick to see my grandsons....I ache inside...then I have to remind myself, I am the one who left, they didn't leave, I did....so anything feelings I may have are my own prison....
After all, I grew up without grandparents, most kids do....and they do have their Papa, who they loved more anyways...he is a much better influence on them than me.
I wonder sometimes what my X tells them or what their parents tell them "your memaw has mental issues", or "your memaw had a brain tumor that changed her" or "memaw is the crazy grandma" they will probably grow up thinking I am some brain damaged insane crazy old woman.....SIGH
and really that wouldn't be too far off the mark...I am insane, my mind is split 7 ways, I do have multiple brain tumors, multiple personalities, and moods and emotions that are all over the fucking place...I AM THE CRAZY GRANDMA.
S
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