backstory

 I have learned or I should say, I am trying to learn that everything you "see" may not be what you are "seeing" at all.....

I saw some pictures and videos that shocked me, that made me question myself and others...they were burned into my brain, and the video played over and over in my mind...

It immediately sent me into the down hill spiral that I call depression/frustration/low self-esteem.....I had trouble breathing all day yesterday...the "thoughts" that were playing in my head was making me crazy....I was so afraid of what I saw, I literally started feeling like I wanted to die.......

Sophee had to stop me, so now I am all fucking bruised up again.  However,  when I was finally able to talk about what I saw, to talk through it, to understand it, to find answers to the questions in my head, to realize what I saw was not actually the story being played in my head....the mind is a weird thing...it can fuck you up.  Especially if you are an overthinker like me...I can literally think myself into the ground.  

Sometimes what appears to be true may not be the truth.   

What I saw was real.  No two ways about that, but what I did not see was the back story, the truth behind the pictures and videos.  So I immediately jumped to the worse conclusion without first finding the facts and hearing the "other side" of the story.

Now, I know "the rest of the story" and I get it.  I understand it, and most importantly the video and pics were not of me, or had anything to do with me.......but I was making them about me.  Which was totally unfair and just plain egotistical.   

I had a fitful sleep, the first time I have had trouble sleeping since the "locking the door" issue.   But this time, it wasn't some subconscious fear of the "bad man" coming in, it was my mind trying to organize and compute the days "issue".   

I still feel somewhat sad, insecure, and lost.  I think maybe I am having such a difficult time because the girls are always effected by me,  and they, especially Sophee, played a part in the days events.   What bothers me, bothers them....No two ways about that.

Hopefully, today, I can get passed my self, and my pre-conceived notions about life.  Because life sucks, nobody is perfect and there is always a back-story......

S