My X sister

 So, my sister and her husband said they wanted to see me.  But they wanted me to drive part way to meet them...we drove all the way to their house last fall and they can't drive all the way to mine???  Well fuck that shit.  

I have had it with my sister.  The fucking shit she said to me yesterday on the phone was uncalled for.  I have finally snapped...I blocked her number and deleted her contact in my phone.

It is obvious now, more than ever, that I do not have a sister.  My sister has emotionally abused me for the last time.  She is no better than her fuck alcoholic pedophile father...

She is alcoholic like him, she is a lamplighter.  She tries to make out that she is always right, and that everyone else is wrong.  She feels the earth moves and spins only for her.  She is manipulative and has a wicked tongue...

She spins everything to make her look right and everyone else wrong...

It is no wonder her husband has thousands of projects...they keep him away from her and dealing with and listening to her biting judgmental tongue.  She is a fat pig, that drinks way to much and thinks her shit don't stink.....well it does...like a rotting fucking corpse full of maggots....

None of my alters like her...they have hated her from the beginning...I understand why now...she only cares about herself...PERIOD

Well I hope she can live with herself, because nobody else wants to be around her...

I am no longer going to take her verbal and emotional abuse...she is not high and mighty, she is a lowlife alcoholic fat pig....and one day, Karma is gonna kick her fat fucking ass....

You know, I think she is jealous of me.   I am happy, I am in a relationship that is so fucking awesome, I do not have to work, I have someone that takes care of me, that makes me laugh...and the sex is out of this world.   I bet my sister hasn't been fucked in years...I am finally living my life...my choices...my world and she is not a part of it....and she is so fucking unhappy that she has to try and make me unhappy too....NOT GONNA HAPPEN...NO MORE...FUCK HER...

S, T

soft abuse

 Not all abuse hurts physically.  As a child, abuse can be associated with pleasure and love...a child does not understand violent physical abuse is the exact same as soft quiet mental abuse.....

T

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She was laying in her bed with her Chrissy doll beside her.  It was so quiet in the house, which was odd...there is almost always yelling and slamming of things...but it was super quiet.  Maybe he was not home,  she loved when the house was quiet...sometimes if her mom and dad were gone and left the TV on, she would turn it off...just to listen to the silence.

Tonight it was too quiet...she held her doll tight against her, struggling to fall asleep in the quiet....

She heard the soft creak of the door...he is coming....she laid her doll between her and the door on her bed, and closed her eyes tight....

she heard his footsteps, she could smell the peanuts and booze on his breath, she could smell his odor....she closed her eyes tighter.....

she felt his weight on the bed as he sat down and pulled the covers back....she kept her eyes closed...."open your eyes"...he said, and she did....he smiled, and carefully picked up Chrissy and put her to the side of the bed....he then slowly ran his hand over her hair, face and shoulders, arms....it actually felt good, soft and gentle...he said I was such a "good little girl", always waiting for him...

He reached down and scooped her up into his lap....and held her....she was too scared to move or speak, but at the same time, it was odd that he was being so "nice"...

Then his hands moved between her legs, up her thighs...she closed her eyes, waiting for him to get to her "private area"....he laid back on the bed with pulled her on top of him, she could feel something hard on her back,  He softly caressed her body, his hands going under her nightgown, pulling at her panties...

He touched her very softly telling her she was so much softer than her mother...and because he loves her so much, she should be happy that he touches her...it shows her his love that he has.  He told her one day, as he was massaging her "not there yet breast" that she will have nice breast for men to touch...

He kept lightly caressing her, running his hands up and down her body, gently...AND IT DIDN'T HURT...

After awhile, he got up, put the Chrissy doll back beside her, covered her back up with the blanket and kissed her forehead...and left, quietly shutting the door behind him.

She was so confused?  What just happened?  but at the same time, she finally felt loved..or at least that is what she thought...He told her she was soft, his touch was sweet...she hoped that every night going forward was nice like this.

It was so confusing to her...what did she do right for him to be nice?  Him touching her was really not that bad...in fact, she liked it...it even tickled when he ran his fingertips across her belly...tickling feels good...he did not hurt her, he tickled her and touched her gently...he really does love her...

that night, her sleep was better...

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This is SOFT ABUSE....he fucked with her at every level, confusing her, making her feel loved and hated all at once...

Abuse hurts, this did not hurt, therefore she was not abused:,  no bruises left, no destroyed furniture, no crying, no fear....

at that moment, she knew that she WAS loved and did everything she could to let him know she loves him.   She held his hand in public, she would sit on his lap for pictures, she did everything she could to let him know that she loved him...if he stayed "happy" with her, then he would not hurt her, and it would all be okay.

S

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ONLY IT WASN'T....HE FUCKED HER UP AND NOW SHE CANNOT FIGURE OUT LOVE FROM ABUSE FROM PAIN FROM ANYTHING...WHAT THE FUCK IS LOVE??? HER MIND IS PERMANENTLY FUCKED.....SHE WAS SO STUPID TO THINK HIM BEING NICE TO HER WAS ANYTHING MORE THAN HIS OWN FUCKING MIND GAMES..SHE WAS AND STILL IS STUPID.  LOVE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A SELFISH ACTION BY MEN TO HURT WOMEN.   LOVE IS A KILLING MACHINE.

Sophee

hair cut

 There was once these two little girls.  One had beautiful long blonde hair and blue eyes.  The other had reddish brown curlish hair and brown eyes.  The blonde girl got all the positive attention...everyone loved her and thought she was so cute.  The other little girl was not that cute, in fact she was dowdy..

One day the two girls were playing beauty shop.  The dowdy girl got a pair of scissors (which was forbidden, as she was only 6 or 7 yrs old) and decided to cut the cute little blondes hair.  Was she jealous of the little blonde and wanted to ruin her pretty long hair, or were they just playing as all little kids do, I don't know....

But the dowdy girl chopped off the hair of the blonde.   Now when the blonde went in to show her mom, the shit hit the fan.

Mom came into the bedroom and snatched the scissors off the floor and advanced towards the dowdy girl.  She spoke in a very menacing low pitch tone and the little girl had to strain to hear what she was saying...when the mom got close to the little girl, she grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked her head back and she fell to the floor.  A handful of hair came out of her head...then the mother proceeded to whack her hair off...as she was cutting the hair, she was telling the little girl "you are disgusting, you have ruined your sisters hair, you are ugly and jealous she is so cute, I would try and give you away but no one would take you, you make me sick, etc, etc...then she spat in my face and left the room.  The little dowdy girl sat on the floor among her hair and rubbed her scalp.  Later that day, the dad came home.....

When the dad saw what she had done to the blondes hair, he came into the room and shut the door....the little girl jumped off her bed and backed up to the wall...she knew what was coming....the "dad" proceeded to destroy her room...rip the sheets and blankets off the bed, dumped out clothes from the dresser, totally destroyed that room...while he was raging, she slumped to the floor and folded up into a ball....he finally quit throwing things around and approached her.   She could hear him coming....then he kicked her hard in the side...she grunted and he kicked her again (he had on boots), when she cried out, he struck her with his fist on her shoulder and knocked her over on her back, and kicked her again...then he bent down and whispered in her ear...no dinner for you...do not come out of this room tonight...and get this place cleaned up, its a pig sty.  And he went out and slammed the door.

She started cleaning up, trying to hurry in case he came back...no way she wanted him to see that room still a disaster area.  She had to go to the bathroom so bad...she held it as long as she could...but she finally had to pee in her pants...she was not allowed to leave the room....

The blonde girl never came back into the bedroom for the rest of the night...but when she finally did, she saw that her mom had fixed her hair (made it more even) and the blonde seemed just fine with the shorter hair....when the dowdy girl finally got to see what her mom did to her hair, she cried....

She wasn't crying because her hair looked like shit, she was crying because she would never be as cute and cuddly as the blonde sister, and she knew she was ugly, useless and a piece of garbage.   Everyone always said how adorable the blonde is, how cute...no one ever said that about the dowdy girl....so the bigger sister learned at a very early age, she was not worthy of love, good looks, friends, nothing......she was not even worthy of a hug from her mother.....

S,T

thoughts

 So I have been watching this guy on Youtube.  He is a doctor and therapist that work with DID patients in the UK.  His videos are very good.  I watched one this morning on "telling your family and others about your DID"  how that can help in your therapy.  HUH>>.

He went on to explain the 10 reasons why it is a good thing to open up to others about the DID...I could see all his points, and they are good and positive...However, I tried to open up to my sister with disastrous results.  I have been opening up to friends and strangers with our video series, but when it comes to family...fuck....

Years ago, I was specifically told by my dad to never speak to my mother again about the abuse I suffered....so if I open up to them about the DID, I will be breaking my dads rule of never speaking about my past....as far as my kids go....its a crap shoot what they will think.  

I blocked all my family on social media....for now, I am just trying to get more comfortable with my new normal, before dealing with them...

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On another note,  my advocate and I have been doing private video recordings of me and my alters.  He is taping me and showing me "the girls" and when I "switch" so I can see what it is like for me, to be them.....It is very weird seeing myself on video (which I don't remember doing at the time) but seeing Tessa or Sophee or Ally...talking through my body, my voice, is somewhat unnerving....I have seen pictures of them, but to actually see them talking, moving, etc...gives me pause.   I look like me, but my mannerisms are different, my voice is different, my eyes are different...its like being an identical of septuplets...7 people who look exactly the same, but different in every other way....

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I believe my advocate is so good at spotting the alters, because he is the father of identical twin girls...so he is use to having two girls who look exactly the same, but are different in every other way....it is an advantage he has over others, I think.  And for the most part, he seems to like each of my "girls" and they seem to like him, or at least are indifferent to him, but I know they all "trust" him or they wouldn't front for him.  

wouldn't it be a drag, if there was an alter that couldn't stand my advocate or if my advocate couldn't stand a particular alter?!  Yikes!

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 Its interesting, fear played a huge part in my having DID, getting DID, and fear is my biggest issue with disclosing the DID...fear of rejection, fear of being called a liar, fear of abandonment, fear of ridicule...fear fear fear...

S,T

ponder

 How could I have not known that I have multiple personalities?  How did I navigate life for 50 yrs, blind to the fact I had alters???  It seems impossible to imagine and it seems illogical.   But, that is exactly me.

My entire life has been a series of "WTF", from drug use, to occult practice, wreckless sex, self-harm (which is actually Sophee, but did not know it), to extreme frustration and low self-esteem...confusion and rage.  I had outburst of rage where I broke things, hit people etc...I couldn't remember shit...I always felt so unhappy or off...I would see pictures of me places I have no memory of being at....family events I can't recall, except for pictures...I had depression and headaches my entire life...been treated for every fucking mental illness out there....nothing stopped the chaos in my head...I never felt happy, content or loved...I seemed to be looking for someone or something all my life and never could find it...I felt lost and out of place every single day...I felt like a stranger in my own skin and with my family..

50+ years of trying to be "normal" when I knew in my head I was a freak of sorts...

I had monsters in my head...I thought, giving me violent dreams of planes crashing, being beat, running for my life, suffocating etc...screaming with no sound coming out....horrible fucking nightmares, constantly...

I finally tried to stop the madness in my head.  It landed me in treatment, then shortly after I left OKlahoma...I couldn't stay there...it was not my home, I had no home of my own, it was my husbands home, my kids home....not mine.  I could not be "me", I had to conform to the family christians values and that was killing me inside....

Now, I know why I felt, did, thought and acted a certain way....it wasn't just me, it was 7 of me....all acting, thinking, feeling differently than me, Sparrow...What the hell???

Now I know why I did so many drugs...to "stop" the madness in my head...to not have to remember or cope, to dull my brain...to try and get it to sleep and leave me the fuck alone...

Not sure why I am even writing this blog...but I am glad that I am not insane, just different.  DID is not insanity, in fact, without DID, I would be insane!  

Something to ponder......

S

You are...

 The morning rises alone,

but the night falls with you...

An empty shell, is all I am,

you are the middle, the taste I crave.

My abandoned heart,

found in your arms...

Sightless eyes,

focused on you....

I fall apart,

you put me back together..

I am the mess,

you clean up,  unlike a bed of nails,

you are my comfort, my sleep.

I am the dark clouds,

you are the sun, that chases the clouds away...

I am the desert,

and you,

you are my oasis...

S, sammy

Triggers

 What is a trigger?  Are there good triggers, or only bad?  Have you ever been listening to the radio and hear a song, and you have a memory (whether good or bad), that memory was "triggered" by the specific song.

Smells, colors, animals, noise, people...triggers are influenced by specific memories you may have connected with an event or thing....people who live with DID, have so many triggers to deal with.  Anything can trigger an alter to front...

some of my triggers are:

Music

smells

airplanes

animals

TV shows....etc...

Music:  my Sammy is a dancer, she loves music and certain songs of a certain time (Crosby Stills Nash and YOung) can bring her out.  The music triggers are not bad triggers, as Sammy seems to be happy and content dancing...But "someone placing their hand over my mouth" even in a playful way, can and will trigger negative memories with Sammy...

Smells:  smells are a powerful memory agent....cologne, body odor, food,and even the smell of a bus station...trigger powerful memories for me, mostly bad and if I dwell too much on that memory...out pops an Alter to clean up the emotional mess....

Airplanes:  a low flying aircraft,  the loud start up engine,  the whining of the engine..all trigger a horrific memory for me, and Lilly will come out very quickly....a loud explosion or "bang" will also trigger Lilly...

Animals:  animals are a good thing...but in my case, they can be bad triggers also.  I cannot hold or be around a rabbit or bunny...Horses are triggers, a horse will always trigger Ally to come out and play..

TV Shows:  Romper Room, Get Smart, Captain Kangaroo and other older shows can also be triggers....those shows were on television during my early childhood and instead of being warm fuzzy shows for children, they "trigger" horrible memories of my childhood..

When a "thing, or event or whatever" triggers a memory, it can immediately be a good thing or bad...If its a "negative event trigger" an alter will front and I will "go to sleep", as the alters say.  And when it is "safe" for Sparrow to refront, then I will.  But I will have no memory as to why an alter fronted or that one even fronted at all...

There is a space between a memory and reality...the "zone zone" ..Something may trigger a memory in my head, but I don't know yet...I will start to feel like I am retreating into myself...I get the sensation of being in the room, but not there at all...I feel intense fog in my brain...I feel like my feet aren't really touching the ground and "reality" seems to be seen through thick glass...voices become muffled....One of two things may happen from this trigger event:  If I don't get to my sensory box and try and redirect the trigger or how I am feeling, then an alter may fully come out....but, if I can get my head cleared somewhat quickly, then the alter will fade back and reality will be present again...

Other times, the transition from me to an alter is lightening quick...but often its a slow gradual overtaking with the alter almost "sneaking out"...that slow gradual overtaking is called "dissociation". I am distancing myself from the reality of the moment...

There are only two alters that cause the most grief to me when they are fronting:

Lilly and Kaos.   Lilly brings the thunderclap headaches, and Kaos only relives the horrible fucking event that spawned her...

Triggers are not specifically DID.  Everyone has triggers, both good and bad.  But where a DID persons triggers can be very bad and detrimental and cause "dissociation" makes DID triggers harder to deal with, verses a "normal" person remembering but staying in reality and dealing with the memory.

Sometimes a trigger may happen, and a new memory is revealed.  That memory may be a good one, but most times its a horrible memory that was repressed and put away by an alter, so that Sparrow, does not have to deal with it.  I believe the Alters release their memories to me, when they feel I can handle them...and they know that I now have an advocate that they trust to help me with the memories.

I have been around people who hear a song and say "wow, that brings back memories, or I remember when", that is a TRIGGER.  the song, triggered the memory.

And when the trigger happens, I can either deal with it, or I can pull another "trigger"...

I choose to deal with the trigger/memories today.

S

too much attention

 Omg.,  I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me!  Ugh,  last night, while we were filming our Youtube Video "How do Alters get their names?" which should have been our easiest and shortest video to shoot....ended up being, the hardest so far.  I am not in this video (thank goodness) but the explanations of how the girls got their names fucked me up.  

Even before we started, my advocate talked to each girl to get their story of their name...which was fine, but when Lilly was asked it fucked me up (when Lilly fronts, I get thunderclap headache pain which is almost unbearable)  we really did not even want to call her out, but we needed more info on Ally's name.   It was confirmed by Lilly, that she named Ally...she even created Ally....huh

So, talking to Lilly made my head hurt even more than usual.  Then when filming started, there were all the aggravating fuck up and re-shoot shit that goes with filming, but when the topic of Kaos name came up,  I almost couldn't breathe....just reliving and remembering the event that spawned her, fucked me up....I know it has been 50 plus years since that event....but in Kaos mind it is happening right this instant...and that effects me tremendously...it just basically fucked me up for the rest of the night, and we did not get finished filming.

I am even wondering if I can handle doing these videos...it is so fucking emotionally jarring for me....We did discuss not putting out two a month, but just one....I think one a month is good.....

we also need to start working on a video days..before filming, not the day of filming or running through thoughts the night before....we are not organized enough...that would help too.....and the days we are filming, we need to hit the ground running, not fuck around half the day, then try to shoot.....it puts too much pressure on me and my girls to try and film at the last fucking minute without good preparation...

A 10-minute video takes two fucking days to shoot.....10 fucking minutes!!!!!!!  ugh

I wonder if the other DID people who have videos, have as much problem with shooting and their alters interference as we seem to be having...??

Maybe this video was so fucking hard because we were addressing all 7 alters....we had all their attention, whereas in other videos its one alter or situation being addressed and the other alters are evidently "doing something else!"

I don't know, its like, I am excited to shoot a new video, and at the same time, when it is finally uploaded I am so fucking relieved that it is over....I SHOULD NOT BE FEELING THAT WAY.  

anyway,  hopefully tonight I can get my fucking shit together and we can finish this video.

S

backstory

 I have learned or I should say, I am trying to learn that everything you "see" may not be what you are "seeing" at all.....

I saw some pictures and videos that shocked me, that made me question myself and others...they were burned into my brain, and the video played over and over in my mind...

It immediately sent me into the down hill spiral that I call depression/frustration/low self-esteem.....I had trouble breathing all day yesterday...the "thoughts" that were playing in my head was making me crazy....I was so afraid of what I saw, I literally started feeling like I wanted to die.......

Sophee had to stop me, so now I am all fucking bruised up again.  However,  when I was finally able to talk about what I saw, to talk through it, to understand it, to find answers to the questions in my head, to realize what I saw was not actually the story being played in my head....the mind is a weird thing...it can fuck you up.  Especially if you are an overthinker like me...I can literally think myself into the ground.  

Sometimes what appears to be true may not be the truth.   

What I saw was real.  No two ways about that, but what I did not see was the back story, the truth behind the pictures and videos.  So I immediately jumped to the worse conclusion without first finding the facts and hearing the "other side" of the story.

Now, I know "the rest of the story" and I get it.  I understand it, and most importantly the video and pics were not of me, or had anything to do with me.......but I was making them about me.  Which was totally unfair and just plain egotistical.   

I had a fitful sleep, the first time I have had trouble sleeping since the "locking the door" issue.   But this time, it wasn't some subconscious fear of the "bad man" coming in, it was my mind trying to organize and compute the days "issue".   

I still feel somewhat sad, insecure, and lost.  I think maybe I am having such a difficult time because the girls are always effected by me,  and they, especially Sophee, played a part in the days events.   What bothers me, bothers them....No two ways about that.

Hopefully, today, I can get passed my self, and my pre-conceived notions about life.  Because life sucks, nobody is perfect and there is always a back-story......

S

me vs Ed

 So I just finished watching a show on the real "Psycho" the one that inspired the movie and other movies...The story of Ed Gein.  In the late 1950's in a small town, a man lived with his mother.  His mother was extremely abusive in every way.  She was a strict christian fanatic and completely controlling of her son, Ed.  When she died, Ed started killing women and cutting off their skin to make a female body (with the skin, and other body parts), even their faces...Ed was extremely mentally ill and suffered from extensive and unrelenting abuse from his mother.  (His brother and father had died earlier).  He was building his "mother" suit, from the parts of his victims).  He would also dig up freshly dead women in a cemetery to steal them and their hair, skin, ears, etc...

This man was horrifying,  yet fascinating.

As I was watching this documentary, I started noticing similarities of me to Ed.  Extremely abused, physically, emotionally, sexually, you name it.  Unrelenting abuse that included the killing of animals...He was awkward and very quiet and unassuming in public, like I was.  He was a loner, like I was....and everyday after school, he had to walk home to the house of horrors.....like I did...

The difference between him and me is this.  My mind split, his mind became evil.  Why?

Why do some people become abusive monsters themselves after being relentlessly abused?  Why do some people handle the abuse with their mind splitting up, developing other alters...?

I believe I could have so easily became a mass murderer, or child abuser, or any type of abuser...I could have easily been violent and mean, in and out of jail, a total useless piece of societal flesh...a danger to self and others....

But I didn't.  My mind escaped the horrors by simply going away, becoming someone else..forgetting.....How can a mind do that?  How can my one mind actually be like 7 minds??  Why didn't Ed Gaines mind split? or did it, in a very evil way....?

The mind is a funny thing.  Take Ted Bundy, he had the idyllic childhood.  His family was middle class and he never was abused, he had privilege.  Yet he was a serial killer with absolutely no remorse....

I guess I am thankful for the turn my mind took...somehow I survived and lived a relatively normal life, happy and full....never knowing of my 6 little secrets until my mind was ready.  

Tessa, Lilly, Ally, Sammy, Sophee, Kaos, Sparrow...it literally took a village to raise me.

S

crazy grandma

 So I had a really good 59th birthday.  My advocate and his son made me breakfast.  Then we went hiking came back, and they then made dinner for me.  The night before they baked me a carrot cake birthday cake.  I got some wonderful gifts in the mail from friends and my sister.  My mom sent me a check for $25.oo addressed to Melissa, and my brother sent me a text "happy birthday Missy".....WHEN WILL THEY GET IT THROUGH THEIR THICK SKULLS I AM NOT MISSY OR MELISSA ANYMORE....I AM SPARROW.  Its like they refuse to acknowledge my new legal name, they want to keep me down...stop me from flying....

Two of my kids sent me birthday texts, but my son Cory, nothing.  He still is treating me like dog shit for leaving his dad....I have been gone nearly 4 yrs and he is still being a dick about it.  Even my X sent me a happy birthday text....

Sometimes when I am driving around Virginia and Roanoke, I get this real dejavu sense, like what the hell am I doing here?  This is not Oklahoma.....

And it seems Tessa is still not use to looking over in the drivers seat of the jeep and seeing my advocate driving...she is use to seeing John driving...it must give her that dejavu feeling too....

The ring that my Advocate ordered for Tessa and me is almost finished and going to be shipped next week.  It is a beautiful titanium ring, half black and half blue.  The black side is me and the blue is Tessa's.  This is to help me, my advocate and others know who they might be talking too...if the blue part is on top...its Tessa...if the black is on top, it is me, Sparrow.  Since Tessa is my twin, this is the easiest way to tell us apart....this new ring.  Both Tessa and I are sick of being asked "Are you Tessa?" or "Are you Sparrow?", now just a quick look to the hand and whoola, the identity will be easy to know...

Like a quick look to my hand to see which direction...left or right....(the L and R tatts)

The ring is my birthday present from my advocate, it just didn't get finished in time for my birthday.....belated birthday is good....

I hope I don't lose it, I have lost more rings....ugh!

My new life is so very different from my old life....night and day....and after nearly 4 years I am still surprised at where I am now, where I am physically and emotionally in comparison to where I was then....Life has changed so fucking much...most days for the better, but some days, I get so homesick to see my grandsons....I ache inside...then I have to remind myself, I am the one who left, they didn't leave, I did....so anything feelings I may have are my own prison....

After all, I grew up without grandparents, most kids do....and they do have their Papa, who they loved more anyways...he is a much better influence on them than me.

I wonder sometimes what my X tells them or what their parents tell them "your memaw has mental issues", or "your memaw had a brain tumor that changed her" or "memaw is the crazy grandma" they will probably grow up thinking I am some brain damaged insane crazy old woman.....SIGH

and really that wouldn't be too far off the mark...I am insane, my mind is split 7 ways, I do have multiple brain tumors, multiple personalities, and moods and emotions that are all over the fucking place...I AM THE CRAZY GRANDMA.  

S

silent trail

 My heart leaks blood

from the broken valves.

Each beat, pumps blood,

onto the ground.

A slow hemorrhage,

trickling to the earth

and being trampled

under the feet,

of those who hate me.

I hear words,

even though I do not speak.

I see their actions

but pretend I don't.

I just walk around,

leaving a trail of dripping blood

for the haters to follow...

Sammy

POETIC JUSTICE

 By far, shooting the video about Sophee has been the hardest.  She is a persecutor.  A hard alter to understand and even like.

she literally was born in the middle of beat down I was getting from my mother.  She was born out of rage.  Me as a little girl was no match for her, she was my mom, I was suppose to love her, but my mind said "fuck that shit" and in the middle of the beat down, Sophee rose up and kicked the shit out of her, my mom....

who beats their own parents?  their own mother?  Aren't mothers suppose to be our safe place?  Doesn't everyone on Tv that wins awards, thank their Mother???  Thank you mom for pushing me to be the best I could be...thank you mom for encouraging me in my passions....thank you mom for always being their for me and supporting me....blah blah blah

I can't thank my mother for a damn thing, not even for being born...as she has often told me "I wish you had never been born...I would have aborted you if I could have..."

I was talking to my dad on the phone and asked a bout mom....he said she does not leave the house, she does not sleep at night, she lays around all day on the couch,  he said the doctors all say she is healthy as can be for a 78 yr old woman...yet she has become basically agoraphobic....

I hope it is more that she is being eaten away by guilt.  Guilt of the mother she was to me, guilt for hurting and abusing me all those years ago....guilt because she knows I hate her.  Guilt in realizing that she was a shit mother.  (except to my baby brother, who was and still is the Golden Child.)

Guilt in knowing she is gonna die alone...no daughter to take care of her when she is no longer able to take care of herself...FUCK THAT!  that will be the golden childs job.

She was never a MOTHER to me, so I will never be a DAUGHTER to her.

I hope that when she does sleep, her sleep is full of night terrors and nightmares....I hope her guilty conscious eats her up inside.

I AM FINALLY SLEEPING AT NIGHT AND SHE IS NOT...POETIC JUSTICE

S