So, I found another writing in my cellphone notepad. This one was dated July 2020. I do not know who wrote this. It may have been me, but I don't remember it at all....evidently it was on a day that was not a good one....maybe written just before one of my spiral down depression states...
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I now know I cannot speak. My words are judgmental and careless. My ears do not hear my voice. My voice is offensive and tiresome. My opinions only cause division and discord. My mouth needs to stay shut. I will no longer play my music, unless I am alone. I will no longer volunteer my opinion or observation on any given subject or theme. I do not matter. My words only anger others. I am to "do no harm" yet my mouth drips with blood. I will be silent...I am good at being silent...I am good at hiding. Shut my fucking mouth, and there will be no ripples in the water, everyone is happy and I don't provoke anyone to anger.
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Welcome to the freak show. Step inside my head and meet the souls that perform there...settle in for the ride. the lights and noise will abuse you, the cast will amuse you and the scenes will confuse you, but the voices will accuse you and the stories bemuse you..welcome to the freak show...step on in and see... the many I call me.
(dated april 2020)
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I smile away my sins
forgive my foes
and die within...
(March 2020)
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I find bits and pieces of words scraped together on a piece of paper, or in my cell phone....Sometimes I get "poems" out of the blue. I will be driving and all the sudden a poem or ideal for a poem pops in my head and I have to immediately write it down. I do this even at night, while lying in bed waiting for sleep my head will spit out these lines or thoughts and I have this desperate urge to hurry and write them down immediately. Then days and weeks later I run across those scattered writings and think " What the fuck? when did I write this? Did I write this? Who wrote this?" but I never get an answer.
here is another writing I found dated May of 2019.
A Broken Heart
what is a broken heart?
its being able to see, yet having no vision.
It's not being able to move, when you need to run.
it's desperately needing to cry, yet you have lost your tears..
it's a conversation that makes no sense, continuously in your mind.
it's gripping so tightly, yet still slipping away.
its a condition with no definition
a broken heart is a dead life.
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another writing dated Feb. 2019
I learned from a very young age that "love" was evil. The adults that were in my life were suppose to love me, just like I loved them...but they did not. As I grew older, again "love" or what I thought was love, killed me. I purposed to never "love" again. I promised I would never cry again. So years go by, decades, and I do the "pretend" love...what was expected of me and I was perfectly fine with that.
I think my brain injury and tumors hit that "love" button. I changed entirely.
I found someone that touched that weird emotion inside...I was so tired of faking it, pretending, lying...I let myself fall...
But, as I was falling and allowing myself to believe in honest true love..I discovered that I cannot accept love, I cannot physically love...not anymore, not ever.
Something deep inside my heart and soul died a long long time ago when I was innocent...part of my heart was completely destroyed, the "Love" part.
Too many years of betrayals, abuse, lies, broken trust, neglect, manipulation and severe emotional abuse..permanently disabled me.
I cannot believe I deserve true love, I cannot allow that wound to be opened up again...I know what the end game of love looks like, feels like....I know I am not enough...that is tattooed on my heart.
My heart is handicapped.
(this was written before I became aware of my alters....)
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(written July, 2018)
How can my head be in the clouds,
when I need my feet on the ground.
How can I manage life?
when it is passing me by..
Where do I go,
when I have been everywhere...
I swim and swim,
yet drowning is so close....
I run, but go nowhere.
I speak, whisper, yell and scream
does anyone even hear me?
My head in the clouds
My feet on the ground,
how is that even possible?
I wonder...
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