Saturday, March 20, 2021

sleep, finally?

 As long as I can remember, sleeping at night has not been a friend of mine.   When I was a child, I use to put a new testament bible under my pillow so I would not have nightmares.....why would a child do something like that...what kind of nightmares does a child really have to warrant the security of a bible?

In high school, I discovered earplugs and have worn ear plugs to sleep for over 40 years.  As I have aged, my "sleep" routine has been almost like a sporting event...

Wash face,  shut curtains (which are black out curtains), turn on box fan (for noise), turn on ceiling fan, put on lip gloss, put in earplugs, turn on white noise machine, take melatonin, put on face eye mask, turn off lights, if melatonin doesn't work, I have prescription sleeping pills (which really do not work that well for me anyway)...  I have purchased a new softer bed, I have plush sheets, new pillows, etc...and still....most of the time, sleep was hit or miss.....why???

Insomnia has been the problem for me, my entire life....now we have discovered why, and hopefully have fixed my sleep problems...

As a small child, my step dad would come into my room at night, and molest me while covering my mouth with his hand...He never sexually molested me in the day, only at night, the dark of night.  I would put my Chrissy doll between me and the door, hoping that Chrissy would protect me from him, she would monitor the door...I was never allowed to lock any doors...I locked the bathroom door once and my step dad kicked it in and beat the living shit out of me....so every night I would lay in bed waiting for the creak of the door as it opens and him coming in.....I never slept....

Fast forward 50 yrs....I still did not sleep...I was safe now, no bad man, but still, no sleep.

My advocate has been helping me in trying to sleep,  we have tried and done so many things, then it dawned on him...maybe it is not Sparrow trying to sleep....Ally was not sleeping...she was waiting for the creak of the door...(my bedroom door does not lock)...even though the abuse happened decades ago, to an alter they relive the horror like it is the first time, over and over....so even as a grown adult, my little was scared to sleep....and Chrissy/Lilly never slept, she watched for the door too....

So, my advocate put a lock on my bedroom door.  That first night, I slept without earplugs...the first time in over 40 yrs...night before last, I slept, last night, again all night with no earplugs...I actually slept.....could it be after all these years and all the money I spent on stuff trying to sleep, that I only needed to be able to lock my bedroom door???? OMG

Ally does not know that the "bad man" is long dead...to her he can show up at any minute to hurt her and Sparrow.   But she does know, now, that she can lock her door at night and sleep without fear...the bad man will not be able to get in...

Having alters is so confusing...it is like having a 10,000 piece puzzle and trying to fit it all together.  My advocate had to figure out where the "not sleeping" puzzle piece fit,  so many puzzle pieces.  

But he is relentless in helping me with this DID.  For the first time in my life, I have someone who actually loves me and wants to help me, even though I can be very difficult and confusing...He listens to me, to the girls...they trust him and slowly my "10,000 piece puzzle of a life, is coming together , and soon I/we will be able to see the whole picture..."  

I will never be "normal" in the sense of most people, but "normal" for me is learning to live with DID, and let my girls live with it too....being happy and finally sleeping.....

S

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