open mouth insert foot

 I did it again.  I inadvertently offended someone by my comment to her prayer request.  Most people, when they post a prayer request, the comments are mostly all : praying for you, etc.."   but since I do not pray or believe in god or jesus, I will not pray for you.   I will not be a hypocrite and say "praying for you" when I know goddamn well I will not.

Instead, I try to offer words of encouragement instead.   But so often, my words are construed as self-serving or "look at me"...and I just end up offending that person.  for ex: 

her:  a prayer request for a cancer diagnosis was asked for.

me:  I mentioned my brain cancer to her, only to show that cancer is not a death sentence.

She:  came back with, I know other people have it way worse than me...

me:  I was in no way trying to compare the cancers and make her feel like her cancer is not important.

But that is exactly the way she took it.  I sent her an apology and deleted my posts.

This is what happens to me all the fucking time.  All I do is stick my fat foot in my mouth over and over..what I think or feel or intend in my head, never comes out right on paper.  I am a colossal fuck up and when I think I am encouraging or helping someone, in reality I am just fucking offending them.

So,  again, my words have proven that I am stupid, uncaring, unfeeling and selfishly self-centered and just a basic asshole.

The one thing that will fuck me up and plunge me into depression faster than anything else, is when I offend someone even though I was not meaning too.   I know what it is like to have my feelings hurt, to feel unimportant, etc...and the very last goddamn fucking thing I wanna do is cause someone else to feel that way because of my stupid words.   

My friend, said I did not offend her....of course she would say that, she is a good person.  TOO fucking good for me.  She is real living breathing honest to god truly good woman who has no business lowering herself to me.  

I am the lowest of the low, in the totem pole of friendship.   in fact, I am not worthy of being anybody's friend.

S