Being me...sucks

 This morning I woke up to a picture my X sent me. 

 

My grandson, Kingston, was visiting and left it as a joke for his Papa to find...that kid is so funny and brilliant.  He is in the "gifted" program at his school and he is 10?  maybe 9?  anyway, I miss him so much.  I miss our conversations.  I miss listening to him, laughing at and with him....

That is my only regret in leaving Oklahoma,  leaving my grandsons.   I am not going to be a part of their life anymore, being 1000 miles away....the scattered pictures I get, will be all I get

Instead of that picture above making me laugh or smile, it only made my heart ache more.  

This covid shit is also keeping me from them.   I have not had my vaccination yet, so I am basically under house arrest.   At this rate, I will be forever sentenced to my house.   

Living in Oklahoma I felt like I was serving a life sentence...my home was a jail full of rules and do nots...when I left, I felt paroled, free....only to move 1000 miles away to be placed under house arrest again, for Covid,   

I deserve to suffer alone here in Virginia.   By alone, I mean without my family.   After three years here, I still have zero friends, especially girl friends.   I only have two friends, my advocate and his friend from work.  That is it.....I have tried to make friends with some women, but they just won't have anything to do with me...and I do not understand why...when I am around people, my alters, stay away, so they are not scaring them off....women just hate me....and I don't understand why???

And now that I am talking about my DID, it further makes me a freak and alienates me from real friends and friendship.  I am not friend material, I am an odd freak...a curiosity, not a woman.  I do not have one woman in my life that I can talk with, not one...Not my mom, not my daughter, no women friends...I have no where to go....

Why don't I go and get a job?  Because of my fuck brain tumor infested, alter infested brain ...I am disabled....On the outside I look fine and healthy and I am active, but on the inside, I am a freak of nature....Unable to cope with a job and responsibilities, and I would end up being fired, like every other time....I am an emotional train wreck...so holding a job would only be a disaster for me and my employer...I can't even cope with the responsibilities of living alone...and I have Tessa do that, and all the other alters to assist her....because Sparrow is fucked.

So, I sit in my treehouse with my only friends, my rats and dog.  Its a very lonely existence and has gotta be a strain on my advocate...I feel like I put way too much pressure on him...he has friends, he had a life before me and it seems now, that I have even scared off his friends....I feel so fucking guilty about that.  

My mom once told me "you made your bed, now you have to lie in it"....exactly that bitch was right...I have made my own decisions and now I have to live with them....

Buck up buttercup...you deserve misery....

S

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Its a lonely life,

being me...

Its a horrible life,

being me...

Its a complicated life,

being me....

Its a nightmare,

being me...

And who is  me?

I don't know anymore,

I have no clue,

All I know,

is I hate being me.

S, and the rest....

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