I am Us

 So our third DID video has been wrapped and uploaded.  So far, I like it the best, probably because Boomer is a show stealer!  

As I sit and watch our videos,  I am watching, and after getting into the crux of the video, I am often startled into reality..."He is talking about me!"   I hear the content and think "yea that's a good idea" then its like...BOOM..oh yea, he is talking about me and my girls!  It is surreal to watch about your life, your struggles, issues etc  on a public forum.

As the videos evolve, and each of the alters are explained and introduced,  I feel understanding of this condition will be easier.   Maybe even easier for me to accept.  I still have a hard time accepting that my mind is split.  The knowledge now of my condition intrigues me and shocks me both at the same time.  

How could I have had these girls my entire life?  I am learning that they hid in plain sight.  All you had to do was look and listen.  But in todays busy life, people are often overlooked, skimmed over, taken for granted.  I was skimmed over my entire life.  By my family, my friends, my co workers, everyone.  

I was taken for granted and accepted as just being "weird"...period.   It took me getting away from my husband, kids and family and even Oklahoma,  to bring this condition to light.   It was me by myself here in a strange new state and my friend watching me try to adapt, when he started noticing things about me that were "off".... Instead of blowing that off as just "her", he took personal interest in me, he listened to me, he watched and observed me, it was him who I now call my advocate, that helped me to realize, deal with and cope with having alters.  It was a three year process before he found all the alters...at least all I have that I am aware of....

No one ever, has given me that type of "non judgmental" attention.  No one has ever truly knew me as a woman and an individual.   I was always, wife or mom or grandma...never Sparrow.  He saw Sparrow and embraced who she is, who I am.  There is no pressure with him.  No tip toeing around him, no trying to be what he thinks I should be, no judgement, no lecturing and no embarrassment.   

When the alters first started trusting him, they would come out or front.  After, He would tell me who was out, the conversation or whatever so I would know where the time went.   At first I was so fucking embarrassed, especially when my little would front...she is only 6 yrs old.....imagine seeing a 58 year old woman behaving like a small child???  fucking embarrassing as hell for me to think about...but he is never embarrassed by any of the alters...he always says "they are you!"  His total acceptance of me and all my warts has helped me in more ways than ANYTHING OR ANYBODY has ever done.  

He has taught me trust.  He has taught the girls trust.  Trust is paramount in dealing with DID people.  Remember the alters were "born" because of acute unrelenting trauma experienced as a small child that  had no one to trust, so we grow up not trusting.  A child that never had a person to love, cherish or protect them, so the child splits and makes their own protection against the horrors they are going through.   The only thing is, once the horrors are over,  the person has grown up etc...the alters do not leave.  They were permanently born.  And the DID person has to adapt to not only their own self, but the personalities of the alters born to them.  One person becomes a family and they all have to learn to live together in harmony.

That is where I am out now, learning to live in harmony with my girls, and to understand that I am Us.

 

S, T