Daddys birthday

 Today is my advocates birthday.   I baked him a cake that looks more like a pile of vomit than cake, but well, hopefully it taste better than it looks!  

Even though today is his day, it was also my fathers day.  My father's birthday was also today.  My father (bio dad) died of a heart attack in 07.  One year before my brain tumor diagnosis.

So much has happened in the last 13 years...and I still can't fucking believe it has been 13 yrs!

I know he would have been so disappointed in my leaving my husband and moving away.  He really loved my husband.  But I truly believe he would have supported me in my decision to leave, I am sure I would have got the daddy lecture though.   

I believe he would have supported my name change.  He would not have supported my decision to leave christianity and go back to Wicca.   He was a very devout man.  But I think he would have stilled loved me.

But, I am glad he is not around to learn about my alters.  Because my alters were formed when he decided to let me stay with my mom and let her "then" husband adopt me.   My daddy would have been horrified and filled with so much guilt in knowing that he left me to a monster to raise.   I am glad that he is being spared that nightmare.   But at the same time, I wish he was here, because every girl needs a daddy....a loving daddy.  

One of the last times I got to see my dad was exactly one month before he died.   I remember being at his home and snuggling in his lap while he sat in his chair.  As if I was just a little girl.

And every morning I would have a "good morning " text from him.  His last text to me was on the day he died.  I had that text saved to my computer for years....

My daddy would have been horrified by how much this Nation has fallen.  He was a career Navy man.  Very patriotic,  100% American.  The Capital attack would have made him so angry...and sad.

So maybe him dyeing in 2007 was a good thing.  

I don't know how he would have felt about the alters.  But I do know that he would have felt completely responsible for their birth....and I would hated that.

I never had the daddy that most little girls have...I never had that.  But my little, Ally, has that now.  She has that in my advocate.  She calls him daddy.  He is the kind of daddy all little girls should have.  

I am somewhat jealous of Ally!  Kinda like I was always jealous of my daughter and her relationship with her daddy.   I am beyond grateful that my daughter and sons have John as their daddy.   He is a good daddy.   I am glad that Ally has a daddy....her own daddy.   

Anyways, Happy birthday Daddy, where ever you are....I will catch you on the flip side.

S