Collateral family member

At the end of the day,  when you lay down in your bed for the night...can you recall your day?  What you did, where you went, what you ate, what you wore, who you talked too???  Can you remember your day, all of it???

I can't.   I try to write down everyday in a day planner, everything I did that day so I can read it.  When I lay my head down at night,  and try to remember my day....I remember only bits and pieces...if my advocate is with me that day, he can fill me in on "what I missed"....but if he is not with me....I will not remember all of it.  Also with my weird head, something I did do that day will feel to me that it was done days ago...for example:

"I want to go out for dinner"

"we just went out to dinner tonight...?"

"no we didn't, that was a couple days ago.."

"no, that was 4 hours ago......"

"oh...what did I eat?"

etc.........

Some things I do seem like they were done days ago when in fact they were done that day....

And some days things I did days ago, did or said, I think I just did them or said it...I don't have a concept of the passage of time.

My alters do not understand or even know about the "passage of time".  Like a dog...if you leave your home for either 5 minutes or 5 hours, when you walk back in the door, your dog is just as excited and happy to see you...dogs don't have the concept of time....same with the alters.

I think this is because, they are not host.  The host body ages, the host ages because the host was not created by trauma...the host was created by human birth.   Alters are not out all the time, some may go months or years and then come out...but they are still there and when they do come out..they do not look at a clock or calendar.  Time is relevant only to the situation that triggered the alter.

I have to say, hands down the most aggravating part of having alters is the "Time" and "memory" issues.   Losing time during the day, hours of "what the fuck did I do between such and such time"  is frustrating to say the least.  Makes me appear to the outside world as either suffering with dementia, or I am drunk or on drugs.  When I am none of those things...

My alters do not communicate to me or even to themselves what they are doing, when, and why...they just do it, and I am the one left scrambling to figure out why I am so confused!  FUCK (however it does appear that Lilly and Ally do talk to each other)...

Suffice it to say, the girls flit in and out periodically during the day, so my memory is fleeting also...this is why I lose blocks of time....

It amazes me how they can fool people....they can imitate me pretty good...it only takes a keen eye, somebody really paying attention to me, someone who really knows me, to see them.  So what that tells me now at 50+ years old, that my entire life, my family, friends, work associates, neighbors, husband, never really paid attention to me, I was a collateral family member....I was invisible in a crowded room...I was not important enough for anyone to even notice that something was off about me...as long as I performed as "Melissa" the alters were safe to come and go....

Sad, really.....to know that no one ever loved me enough to actually care and listen and help me....it fucking took, getting a brain tumor and radiation surgery for ANYONE to notice anything, and now they blame all my issues on the tumor.....an easy scape goat for them.

S