banner ideal

So, the first video recording is not good, so it has been scrapped.  We are talking of taking another direction with the video.  I don't know, I think it is not going to ever happen.  

We talk about topics, an avatar, introduction video etc...and  can't seem to come up with anything that my advocate is happy with.   I am just too fucking complicated....having 6 personalities is too much of a clusterfuck....I get the feeling that my advocate is not as into making this video as he first thought.  It sounded pretty easy on paper and in our heads, but actually putting it on video is turning out to be a chore and nothing more.

Maybe all the snags with this video is the universe telling me to not do this video.   

I want to do this video, but yet I am afraid of doing it, of putting myself out there...but at the same time, I am not alone in having DID and I have watched other DID videos that have helped me and felt like our video speaks in a way the other ones do not...but it is just not happening....it is frustrating my advocate and me....he says yes, we are filming, then it doesn't happen....I feel he really wants to do this video on one hand and then wishes he had never mentioned it on the other....

I already stress this guy out enough,  his job is stressful, and the last thing he needs is more stress on his days off.

I move to scratch the whole thing...I have lived all these years with DID and managed to have a life....no video will change that.  It is just too much drama and hectic and confusing and I feel I would just ruin it anyway...it would just be another failure...like the dog park, the homeless shelter...the things I have put my heart into and worked so hard for only for them to fail....I am a failure.  

I did not suggest making a video, that was my advocates brain child, but any project with me involved is doomed to fail.  I have super bad karma when it comes to something big or important.  

I don't know...I am just frustrated and confused and am feeling like a colossal failure.  He probably feels the same, except for the failure part.   

It always seems I get excited about a project,  hyped up and want to do it...but it stalls or never happens.  And the majority of projects I embark on all fail over time....again, its because I am a failure...I really feel I have failed already with this video before it even started.  Which is better than being months into a video and then failing.....fuck.

The dog park and homeless shelter were Tessa's thing.  When Sparrow stepped in and became involved, they failed.  When I was married, it was more Tessa than me that was married...when Sparrow stepped in, my marriage failed.

My DID is not conducive to accomplishments, quite the opposite, my DID ruins everything.....seriously.  

Look up DID in the dictionary and it says :  an innate ability to fail and fuck up anything and everything the host tries to do.  An inability to be successful.

I fucking hate having DID...it has fucked me up my entire sorry life.

This is why I hate becoming committed to something...I will fuck it up and ruin it....

So anyway, another banner ideal that has crashed and burned because my name is attached to it.

S