Protecting Sparrow

 You know?  I just don't understand how or why people, especially family members, did not see how off I was?  I remember telling John about the memory loss and black outs and he just looked at me and said, "maybe you should stop drinking" or "everyone forgets things"....I was blown off.

When I cheated on my husband, which was often, and he let it go, even blamed himself for my affairs.

when I had bruises, cuts and burns on my arms and legs...it was shrugged off as a bad cook, or accident prone.

When I would go completely off my rocker and bang my head...I was told to "settle down" or "simmer down"...

How one minute I could be happy, then the next angry, or whatever...."well mom is just like that"...

It took me developing a brain tumor and brain surgery, for my family to finally think something is wrong.  Until the brain tumor,  "I WAS FINE"....no, I was not.   Now that I am suffering with even more tumors in my brain, that is now the excuse for family...."well it was the tumor causing this or that"....

I have been in and out of therapy  my entire life....I have had trouble sleeping (insomnia) my entire life, I have done drugs on and off since I was a teenager...I have trouble keeping friends,  I suffer from depression, I had ulcers as a child,  I have had headaches my entire life...I have been accused of having a very vivid imagination.....making up terrific stories.....which I was told were untrue, when in fact they were all true.   I grew up with a mother who portrayed absolutely NO love for me...she hated me, in fact. But,  I grew up......

I grew up, physically, but my mind stayed the same.   I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression with Suicidal Idealogy,  Manic depressive, schitzophrenic, bi-polar.   Every doctor I have seen has diagnosed the wrong condition.   Why?  because most doctors do not support, nor believe that DID really exist.  And unlike the conditions mentioned above..DID cannot be treated with drugs or surgery, it is a permanent condition.

It does....I truly wish it didn't, but it does.  DID is a worse condition than all the ones I was accused of...because it is not one brain.....it is 7 brains cohabitating in a one brain....7 different ideals,  7 different likes and dislikes....no wonder people thought I was a liar...depending on who they talked to, they may talk to Tessa one day (but not know it) then Sparrow the next and the conversations conflict with eachother...I may have said one thing, one day, then something totally different another day.

for example:  "I want a steak for dinner"....then at the steak house I order a salad and bake potato because I don't eat meat.   Tessa wanted the steak, but by the time we got to the restaurant, Sparrow was out and she does not eat meat.  See how confusing that is for others "I thought you said you wanted a steak?"  "no, you know I don't eat meat".....I look like a liar and a fickle person.....

This is my life.  This was my life.

Now,  I am away from familiarity and family.   My advocate can tell the girls apart and knows when one is fronting or not.....He knows that I am not a liar, or fickle or insane....it is so refreshing.  I know it is easier for the alters...they don't have to fake being me...they don't have to hide....they are no longer a secret....

I truly hope that with this Youtube video series it will help the people who surround and love a person with DID....or maybe it will make people rethink the "condition", or see the condition in their loved one....it will answer so many questions...living a life in secret is no life.

So, here is the question...How do you know who you are talking too?  How do you know if what you are hearing is the truth or not?  How do you know if I am lying?  "why are you so angry?" "what is wrong with you?"   Unless you are around a DID person, understand that they are suffering from DID, understand the condition,  understand each personality, understand how they came to be, and what their "triggers" are....you will never be able to comprehend this condition...your life with a DID sufferer will be miserable and if you are married, likely to end in divorce.  Like mine did.  

Please understand, we (DID sufferers) are not liars, we are not tall tale tellers, we are not damaged goods....we are just different, everybody is different.  

How do you know?  Watch, observe, make mental notes, communicate, and "always believe what you are told" by the DID sufferer.  If you don't believe or trust what you are hearing is true, then the alters will never trust you....they will never front for you....and you will never know why they are there...

Alters don't lie.  They pretend...like they pretend to be Sparrow...but that is because the public and those around them don't or won't believe they are real...they protect Sparrow.  Protecting Sparrow is their number one agenda...always.

S, T