Blocking family

 So last fall, my advocate and I traveled up to New England.  We spent time with my sister and her family.  We decided to tell her and her husband about my DID.  They were interested, but my sister was more interested in why "she or a family member" was not my Power of Attorney.  That upset her more than my mental condition.  

See, my sister is all about herself.   We have never been close.  She is what you call a "Gaslighter".  she can  be very toxic...Since we revealed to her about my condition, she has not one time asked about it, did research, or even seemed interested in it at all.  See, she says "she loves me, etc..." but her actions speak loudly and in the opposite direction.  She really doesn't give a rats ass about me.  It has been almost 5 mos since she found out, and not one phone call or anything about the subject...

Because of her and the way she treats me, talks down to me, and tries to make me feel like the "bad" sister, I have blocked her from all my social media accounts.  In fact, I have decided to block ALL my family and Johns family from my Facebook and all other social media accounts.  

Now that this Youtube series is starting to take off,  I don't need my family coming in and posting shit about me they do not understand...I don't need them to "Gaslight" me either.  It is incredibly hard to come out with DID.  It is not a glamorous or a fun diagnosis.  

I remember a bible verse that Jesus said something to the effect of "It is hard to be a prophet in your own land"....people watch you grow up, are involved with you so they are the first who will not accept a person....will judge and say "no way, I remember her when...."...which is another reason I have blocked all my family members.  I am not ready to battle them....

They never really gave a rats ass about me then, and they don't now.  However, my condition is a direct result of the way my mother and former step father abused me, the horror I lived as a child...my family will not want to be reminded of that era...they will buck and kick and deny and every other damn thing.  I will be exposing long kept family secrets and they will not be happy.  

Until I am ready to "run the gauntlet" of my family, they will remain blocked....I am not trying to hide this from them, but just the baby step of telling my sister, was a colossal failure, so telling the others is not happening right now.  I need to keep this from them until I am ready to confront, until I am more comfortable with the girls,  and more secure with myself.

Naysayers from strangers is one thing, when its family...that hurts...Plus there are a few family members that I do not want to hurt by revealing this...my dad Jim, I hate that this will fall directly in his lap because he is my moms husband.  He will instantly be protective of my mother, as he should be.  But he knows the truth, in fact, when I confronted my mom on the sexual abuse and stuff, she burst out crying and locked herself in the bathroom.  My dad informed me "we will never speak of this again"...that was 30 years ago.....I have kept silent for those 30 years, but no more....I am tired of having to keep quiet,  I am tired of being the victim...Standing up for myself, publicizing my condition and seeking to help others with this condition means I am not the victim anymore!  

I am taking a life full of lemons and turning that life into lemonade...

S

Daddys birthday

 Today is my advocates birthday.   I baked him a cake that looks more like a pile of vomit than cake, but well, hopefully it taste better than it looks!  

Even though today is his day, it was also my fathers day.  My father's birthday was also today.  My father (bio dad) died of a heart attack in 07.  One year before my brain tumor diagnosis.

So much has happened in the last 13 years...and I still can't fucking believe it has been 13 yrs!

I know he would have been so disappointed in my leaving my husband and moving away.  He really loved my husband.  But I truly believe he would have supported me in my decision to leave, I am sure I would have got the daddy lecture though.   

I believe he would have supported my name change.  He would not have supported my decision to leave christianity and go back to Wicca.   He was a very devout man.  But I think he would have stilled loved me.

But, I am glad he is not around to learn about my alters.  Because my alters were formed when he decided to let me stay with my mom and let her "then" husband adopt me.   My daddy would have been horrified and filled with so much guilt in knowing that he left me to a monster to raise.   I am glad that he is being spared that nightmare.   But at the same time, I wish he was here, because every girl needs a daddy....a loving daddy.  

One of the last times I got to see my dad was exactly one month before he died.   I remember being at his home and snuggling in his lap while he sat in his chair.  As if I was just a little girl.

And every morning I would have a "good morning " text from him.  His last text to me was on the day he died.  I had that text saved to my computer for years....

My daddy would have been horrified by how much this Nation has fallen.  He was a career Navy man.  Very patriotic,  100% American.  The Capital attack would have made him so angry...and sad.

So maybe him dyeing in 2007 was a good thing.  

I don't know how he would have felt about the alters.  But I do know that he would have felt completely responsible for their birth....and I would hated that.

I never had the daddy that most little girls have...I never had that.  But my little, Ally, has that now.  She has that in my advocate.  She calls him daddy.  He is the kind of daddy all little girls should have.  

I am somewhat jealous of Ally!  Kinda like I was always jealous of my daughter and her relationship with her daddy.   I am beyond grateful that my daughter and sons have John as their daddy.   He is a good daddy.   I am glad that Ally has a daddy....her own daddy.   

Anyways, Happy birthday Daddy, where ever you are....I will catch you on the flip side.

S

white shit

Content Disclaimer: {from Sparrow's Advocate}

The following blog was originally written Dec 21, 2020 but it was ME that removed it. The first part is written by Sparrow as she sat at her kitchen table and watched the fog from her window. The rest, was written by Sophee, one of her alters. (a trauma holder) What Sparrow didn't know was that is was triggering Sophee, to release a memory that had been held from her since the 70's. During this time, Sparrow was a victim to a sex trafficking ring. The horrible memory being released during this blog, and the graphic nature of the language, I felt at the time it needed to be removed until Sparrow could come to accept the memory and deal with all the consequences that came with it. I have spoken with Sparrow and Sophee about the memory and I told them both that I would repost it once we had found a way to deal with this memory. I am reposting it, "word for word" the way it was originally posted in December by Sophee.

As I am sitting here typing, I look out the window and I can see nothing. The fog is so thick I cannot even see the driveway.

I feel my skin crawling...and somewhere in the back of my head, I hear bells ringing...

I keep seeing arms, long and dark, poking out of the fog, trying to grab me... I hear footsteps all around, breaking of soft branches, the hiss of sand being kicked about...

I hear breathing, grunting and can smell cigarette smoke... I don't know where to turn... I am so lost, confused, scared, mad.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

He grabs her by the back of the shirt...GOTCHA...she is yanked back into his chest..he spins her around and forces her to her knees...another man appears out of nowhere... materializes in the fog...he holds her shoulders to keep her down.. his hand firmly around her neck.

He forces his cock in her mouth, telling her to not "bite" and laughing...the other man laughs... She is choking, gagging and crying...the bells were still ringing...

He is done and trades places with the other man... his cock was bigger, filling her mouth so that she cannot breath, at all... he "pisses his white shit" all over her face and neck and chest... the other man laughs and rubs himself against her back and he squirts his white shit all over the back of her head... in her hair...she stinks, she is gagging, she wants to throw up, she wants to die...

They leave...leaving her to sitting on the ground, all alone in the fog...

the bells stop.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I lead her back to the campfire on the beach, I sit her down and take away her pain, I take away the memory...

She thought it was Lilly, but it was not. It was me that kept from killing those men...it was me that covered her mind...

sophee

Soul Mate

 I have always heard the saying "soulmate"  who is your soulmate.  I figured that would be my husband, after all I was married to him for over 30 years...but he was not my soul mate.  We had nothing in common except we both went to the same high school.

I believe my advocate is my soul mate.  for these reasons:

we went to high school together.

His bio-mother did not want him,

My mother did not want me.

we both married our prospected spouses and honeymooned in El Paso and stayed at the exact same hotel in El Paso...different years...

His biological fathers name was Gary.\

My fathers name was Gary.

He has a biological brother name Gary.

I have a brother name Gary.

His birthday is the exact same day as my fathers birthday.

His biological family lives in the Oklahoma city area

so does mine..

We enjoy the same things (except music, he is country, I am rock)

He has twin daughters

I have (sorta) twin sons (only three months apart in age)

one of his daughters was flown to Albuquerque NM, piloted by Al Unser Jr. (Nascar),

I was a huge Unser Racing fan!

he has a daughter that was miscarried name Kelly,

I have a miscarried baby I named Kelly.

He has only been married once, 

I have only been married once.

He was adopted, my son was adopted.

We each have this uncanny knack for reading each others mind...in fact its almost creepy.

we were both raised in the Baptist church,

now we do not attend any church, we are both non-christians.

We enjoy actually being together doing stuff or not doing anything, just being side by side.

He does not lecture me on anything...he lets me be me.

He does not try and change me, he likes me just the way I am.

And I let him be him.

We enjoy the same things:  hiking, kayaking, outdoors stuff, watching movies etc...

He really sees me:  he is so attuned to me that he was able to find the alters and gain their trust. In the 30 years of marriage, my husband never even really "saw" me...

Neither one of us, ever want to be married again.

we are comfortable living in separate homes.

Even Boomer loves him, and Boomer rarely lets anyone close to him, it took almost 6 mos for Boomer to warm up to my husband...with my advocate it took like 2 days!  

His adoptive father died of heart problems.

My father died of heart problems

He has three brothers,  I have three brothers.

we can talk about anything..nothing is a taboo subject.

he accepts me, warts and all, and I accept him, warts and all...

he never judges me

I don't judge him

even silly things like:  I love long hair on a man, He has long hair.  And he defends me to others like I have never experienced before.  His love for me is absolute, no conditions...and I feel the same about him.

I could go on and on....

but this is the kicker:  If I was stranded on a desert island and could only have one person (my choice) to be with me...it would not be Dwayne Johnson or even Jason Stathom...it would be him, my advocate, literally the other half of me...we are whole together. 

Coincidence?  I think not.  I do not believe in coincidence.  I believe all things happen for a reason.

I believe it took us over 30 years to reconnect, because the universe was preparing us to be together.  It is like the first 30 years was college, and the degree was us/together.  

I wish that it had not taken so long for us to find each other, but it did.  And that's okay, because in those 30 years plus, we made beautiful kids with our spouses, we learned and grew and matured to the people we are now.

The Universe finally aligned us together...when we were ready...now, we are together, happy, growing, learning new things and enjoying the a life we have now...no kids, no spouses, no family to interfere, just us, being us...Resting in each other.  The goddess has blessed me.   

I believe every single person has a soul mate.  The trick is being patient and waiting for the universe to put you together.  Just because you may love someone, be married to someone does not make them your soul mate....think about it. It took me over 40 years to find my soulmate....

S

No sleep for the weary

 I am so fucking tired of not being able to sleep....It is impossible to turn my brain off....I took a total 7 ibuprofen-PM in a space of 11 hours, and still....NO FUCKING SLEEP.   When I don't sleep, my blood sugar levels drop, my hands shake, my body tingles and my eyes feel like sand castles...I feel so tired, yet when I lay down, sleep eludes me.....I  may have one or two nights a month that I actually feel rested as if I have slept a good 8 hours...the rest of the days, I toss and turn, beg to sleep, and may sleep a couple of hours at a time, but then wake up and it takes a good hour to maybe fall back asleep, only to wake up again in an hour or two....My body and my mind does not do sleep deprivation...when I am over tired all I want to do is cry and scream and take every damn pill in the house on the off chance I may fall asleep...

WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO GODDAMN FUCKING HARD TO JUST FALL THE FUCK ASLEEP???

sleep is a natural function, essential for the body, yet my stupid ass fuck donkey dick sucking body does not sleep...I am not natural.  I am a fucking freak.  I know its the goddamn alters keeping me up at night, can't be any other explanation...there is absolutely no physical reason why I should not be able to sleep......but my mind  is not natural...my mind will not SHUT THE FUCK UP...

Last night, before bed, a friend and I watched a movie....afterwards I was going to tell them goodnight and they let out this long ass fart...even smiled like it was funny...I was offended to the core, I felt so disrespected and taken for granite.   I was raised to have manners.  I would never conduct myself so rudely and insensitively like that in front of  anyone.   I was so mad, hurt and disgusted I could not even tell them goodnight.   It was just a fart, but seriously what is the bathroom for?????  Why did that bother me so much other than it was rude and gross?  I would not have been more offended had they pissed on me or slapped me in the face.   Which they would never do, that is just an example of how much rude behavior appalls me, especially farting.   I would never be so rude and disrespectful to others, if I had to fart, I would just excuse myself from the room but the thought of "letting it rip" in front of others is appalling.

Even my X husband knew how I felt about farting, and he rarely farted in front of me in the entire 34 years I was with him, and I certainly never farted intentionally in front of him.  Being around someone who farts is an instant turn off.   I am just not into bodily functions...I don't even pee or poop around anybody, not even my husband.  Certain types of bodily functions should be kept private.

S

She could smell him before his hand ever covered her mouth.  He would whisper with that foul breath to be quiet, if she woke her sister up, he said he would make her regret it.  So, she stays silent.  She listens to him grunt, and burp.  She smells his farts and body odor.  She wants to gag, but if she makes a sound that filthy hand would go right back over her mouth.   She kicks her doll to the foot of the bed under the covers so he won't find it and destroy it....she silently screams and cries as he roughly handles her...she wants it to be over...she stares at the ceiling, at the door, at the floor, anywhere but at him...his filth never washes off her, she can never get clean.  No matter how many baths she takes, his stench lingers..it has soaked into her soul.   She will never be clean and pure...she is permanently dirty.

Sammy

 

Sometimes...

 Sometimes, when I am walking along,

I have the sensation that I am gliding

not quite on the ground, 

not quite in the air....

but moving smoothly across the terrain.

Sometimes, when I am speaking,

I feel like I am watching myself talk.

not quite attached, not quite detached,

but speaking all the same...

Sometimes, when I dream during sleep,

I feel a million miles away,

gazing at a silent film,  

a lone person, in an empty theatre.

Sometimes I feel like a stranger

not a part of society,  not an alien.

Just a person in a sea of people,

with no past, no present and no future.

Sometimes I don't feel like myself,

I am me, but I am not me...

as if someone else has taken over,

and they have.

Sometimes,

I am them.....

S

Collateral family member

At the end of the day,  when you lay down in your bed for the night...can you recall your day?  What you did, where you went, what you ate, what you wore, who you talked too???  Can you remember your day, all of it???

I can't.   I try to write down everyday in a day planner, everything I did that day so I can read it.  When I lay my head down at night,  and try to remember my day....I remember only bits and pieces...if my advocate is with me that day, he can fill me in on "what I missed"....but if he is not with me....I will not remember all of it.  Also with my weird head, something I did do that day will feel to me that it was done days ago...for example:

"I want to go out for dinner"

"we just went out to dinner tonight...?"

"no we didn't, that was a couple days ago.."

"no, that was 4 hours ago......"

"oh...what did I eat?"

etc.........

Some things I do seem like they were done days ago when in fact they were done that day....

And some days things I did days ago, did or said, I think I just did them or said it...I don't have a concept of the passage of time.

My alters do not understand or even know about the "passage of time".  Like a dog...if you leave your home for either 5 minutes or 5 hours, when you walk back in the door, your dog is just as excited and happy to see you...dogs don't have the concept of time....same with the alters.

I think this is because, they are not host.  The host body ages, the host ages because the host was not created by trauma...the host was created by human birth.   Alters are not out all the time, some may go months or years and then come out...but they are still there and when they do come out..they do not look at a clock or calendar.  Time is relevant only to the situation that triggered the alter.

I have to say, hands down the most aggravating part of having alters is the "Time" and "memory" issues.   Losing time during the day, hours of "what the fuck did I do between such and such time"  is frustrating to say the least.  Makes me appear to the outside world as either suffering with dementia, or I am drunk or on drugs.  When I am none of those things...

My alters do not communicate to me or even to themselves what they are doing, when, and why...they just do it, and I am the one left scrambling to figure out why I am so confused!  FUCK (however it does appear that Lilly and Ally do talk to each other)...

Suffice it to say, the girls flit in and out periodically during the day, so my memory is fleeting also...this is why I lose blocks of time....

It amazes me how they can fool people....they can imitate me pretty good...it only takes a keen eye, somebody really paying attention to me, someone who really knows me, to see them.  So what that tells me now at 50+ years old, that my entire life, my family, friends, work associates, neighbors, husband, never really paid attention to me, I was a collateral family member....I was invisible in a crowded room...I was not important enough for anyone to even notice that something was off about me...as long as I performed as "Melissa" the alters were safe to come and go....

Sad, really.....to know that no one ever loved me enough to actually care and listen and help me....it fucking took, getting a brain tumor and radiation surgery for ANYONE to notice anything, and now they blame all my issues on the tumor.....an easy scape goat for them.

S

Sleep superpower

 I am so tired of having to work at sleeping.  By work at, I mean:  plug in fan (white noise), cover eyes (mask), insert earplugs, pull together black out curtains, turn down heater to cool room...take melatonin, fuck, it is like I am putting the troops together for war!  The war inside my head that keeps me restless at night.

DID people often have issues with insomnia.  I have fought sleep as far back as I can remember.  I think, Sparrow wants to sleep, but I don't know about the others...I know sometimes when I am asleep...Ally comes out to play...soooooooo, no sleep.

I use to have issues with sleeping that related to the nightmares I had...I was afraid to go to sleep...but since dealing with memories and shit like that, the nightmares have stopped...which is good...but I still have the hardest fucking time trying to sleep.  Every sound wakes me up...its very aggravating.

I saw in an article 15 ways to get better sleep at night...I DO AND HAVE DONE EVERYONE OF THOSE SUGGESTIONS...and still, sleep is hit or miss with me.

I am beginning to think one of my alters NEVER sleeps!  She must roam around in my head all night, slamming doors, turning on lights and whatever else just to irritate me.  

If I take a sleeping pill, I can fall asleep pretty easy, but within 2 hours I am awake again...my problem is staying fucking asleep...I wake up dozens of times in the night...what the fuck is REM sleep??? I am sure I never sleep deep enough REM sleep.

My advocate had a sleep study done...can you imagine if I had a sleep study done??  it would be a comedy of errors, for sure.

I need one of those oxygen chambers (like Michael Jackson had) to sleep in....my own private casket..haha

And the craziest thing, the more lack of sleep I get, the more tired I get, yet it is harder to fall asleep.  I get so paranoid in my head that I won't be able to sleep, and whoola...I am not sleeping!  My brain is always going, whether it is me, Tessa, Ally, Lilly, Sophee, or Sammy, someone is always awake and thinking....and that affects the host body so much...

I think if I had a superpower, I would want to be able to close my eyes, be instantly asleep and sleep for 8 hours straight without waking up...everynight!  I want a Sleep Superpower!

Being able to actually sleep would be the greatest superpower I could ever have.  

S

Ugly voice

 So the first Youtube video was uploaded.  It is the introduction to the basis of the series.  It is pretty rough, in the editing apartment..but as we get use to the camera and equipment and get more comfortable with the content, it should get way better.

However,  I WILL NOT BE TALKING IN ANYMORE VIDEOS.  My voice and fucking Oklahoma accent are horrendous.  They say cameras add 10 pounds to your look, well it also adds 10 pounds to my sorry voice!

I know that I have a awful southern accent.  But after 3 years on the east coast I would have thought it was not as bad anymore...WRONG     I need a diction coach or better yet  NO MORE VOICE OVERS with me talking.

My stupid ass fuck voice and accent is comical and ridiculous and will definitely distract from what the series is all about.  This is not a Disney series, but I sound like a fucking backwoods, uneducated, cartoon character.   OMG...I sound so awful I almost want to burst into tears....I now know that people who talk with me, probably walk away from me thinking "omg, did you hear her accent, her voice  I would be ashamed to sound like that....."

So, if you ever want to hear my stupid voice, you will have to watch the very first video, because that is the only one that will ever house my incredibly stupid and ignorant voice.   My ugly voice.

As far as I am concerned,  I am mute just like Sammy.  

S

The Prop

 So did filming all day yesterday.  We have changed the name of the Youtube series to "Sparrow's House".  House, being my head with 7 rooms...a room for each alter.  And our catchy sign off after each episode will be "fly safe"...as in a bird (Sparrow).  That was my brain child...fly safe.  

We did one take, and it was almost perfect...we were so happy, then the advocate saw that I had not turned on the microphone...the entire take was in silence!!!!  fuck me!!!  

After that retake, and retake, and retake, there will be so much editing....I never even imagined all the tedious work in filming.  WOW...I have a new respect for actors, directors, producers etc.....

But the very first finished video, will be sloppish..but as we go along, it will become more fluid and better, as we learn the equipment and get on a rhythm.  

It is an introductory of our series, and introduction of me,  Kevin..aka cowboy...and even Boomer.  Boomer will do cameo and sightings all through the series....

I am still very shy of the camera.  I DO NOT LIKE BEING ON CAMERA.  I use to do interviews for news outlets that were televised for the dog park in Oklahoma, and I hated every single one.  I hate the way I look on camera, and I hate the way my voice sounds on camera.   I am definitely a "behind the scenes" kinda girl.

My advocate wants me to do a "Sparrow sighting" with each video.  A quick shot of me. For example, while he is speaking I may take him a cup of coffee and then I would be seen giving him a cup of coffee.   Quick glimpses like that.   When we shoot outside my apartment, then I will be in more videos, not talking, but being there.  He wants to do some footage at cemeteries (which I love to go to), but it will only show me from a short distance among the tombstones....and other places with shots like that that are indicative to the topic.   But I really do not want to talk or even give direct eye contact to the camera.  The main character of this video series is not me, but my advocate.  I am the co-star or extra...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am the prop...the broken down car in a garage...that the mechanic is working on...the house shown after a tornado hits it....shattered broken, scattered all over...the story about the tornado, the house collateral damage...the prop.   That is me....The Prop.

S

PS  I am not sure who wrote that last "Prop" entry.  I did not write it, but whoever did, did not leave their name or initial....

  

Protecting Sparrow

 You know?  I just don't understand how or why people, especially family members, did not see how off I was?  I remember telling John about the memory loss and black outs and he just looked at me and said, "maybe you should stop drinking" or "everyone forgets things"....I was blown off.

When I cheated on my husband, which was often, and he let it go, even blamed himself for my affairs.

when I had bruises, cuts and burns on my arms and legs...it was shrugged off as a bad cook, or accident prone.

When I would go completely off my rocker and bang my head...I was told to "settle down" or "simmer down"...

How one minute I could be happy, then the next angry, or whatever...."well mom is just like that"...

It took me developing a brain tumor and brain surgery, for my family to finally think something is wrong.  Until the brain tumor,  "I WAS FINE"....no, I was not.   Now that I am suffering with even more tumors in my brain, that is now the excuse for family...."well it was the tumor causing this or that"....

I have been in and out of therapy  my entire life....I have had trouble sleeping (insomnia) my entire life, I have done drugs on and off since I was a teenager...I have trouble keeping friends,  I suffer from depression, I had ulcers as a child,  I have had headaches my entire life...I have been accused of having a very vivid imagination.....making up terrific stories.....which I was told were untrue, when in fact they were all true.   I grew up with a mother who portrayed absolutely NO love for me...she hated me, in fact. But,  I grew up......

I grew up, physically, but my mind stayed the same.   I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression with Suicidal Idealogy,  Manic depressive, schitzophrenic, bi-polar.   Every doctor I have seen has diagnosed the wrong condition.   Why?  because most doctors do not support, nor believe that DID really exist.  And unlike the conditions mentioned above..DID cannot be treated with drugs or surgery, it is a permanent condition.

It does....I truly wish it didn't, but it does.  DID is a worse condition than all the ones I was accused of...because it is not one brain.....it is 7 brains cohabitating in a one brain....7 different ideals,  7 different likes and dislikes....no wonder people thought I was a liar...depending on who they talked to, they may talk to Tessa one day (but not know it) then Sparrow the next and the conversations conflict with eachother...I may have said one thing, one day, then something totally different another day.

for example:  "I want a steak for dinner"....then at the steak house I order a salad and bake potato because I don't eat meat.   Tessa wanted the steak, but by the time we got to the restaurant, Sparrow was out and she does not eat meat.  See how confusing that is for others "I thought you said you wanted a steak?"  "no, you know I don't eat meat".....I look like a liar and a fickle person.....

This is my life.  This was my life.

Now,  I am away from familiarity and family.   My advocate can tell the girls apart and knows when one is fronting or not.....He knows that I am not a liar, or fickle or insane....it is so refreshing.  I know it is easier for the alters...they don't have to fake being me...they don't have to hide....they are no longer a secret....

I truly hope that with this Youtube video series it will help the people who surround and love a person with DID....or maybe it will make people rethink the "condition", or see the condition in their loved one....it will answer so many questions...living a life in secret is no life.

So, here is the question...How do you know who you are talking too?  How do you know if what you are hearing is the truth or not?  How do you know if I am lying?  "why are you so angry?" "what is wrong with you?"   Unless you are around a DID person, understand that they are suffering from DID, understand the condition,  understand each personality, understand how they came to be, and what their "triggers" are....you will never be able to comprehend this condition...your life with a DID sufferer will be miserable and if you are married, likely to end in divorce.  Like mine did.  

Please understand, we (DID sufferers) are not liars, we are not tall tale tellers, we are not damaged goods....we are just different, everybody is different.  

How do you know?  Watch, observe, make mental notes, communicate, and "always believe what you are told" by the DID sufferer.  If you don't believe or trust what you are hearing is true, then the alters will never trust you....they will never front for you....and you will never know why they are there...

Alters don't lie.  They pretend...like they pretend to be Sparrow...but that is because the public and those around them don't or won't believe they are real...they protect Sparrow.  Protecting Sparrow is their number one agenda...always.

S, T

whose eyes?

 When you look into these eyes, who do you see?

Do you see Sparrow? Tessa? Sammy? Sophee? Ally? Lilly? or Kaos?  Its hard to tell if you are not really looking....

Ally's eyes sparkle and smile...

Tessa's eyes are stern and determined,  organized and efficient.

Lilly's eyes are watchful and alert, scanning and resolute, observant

Sophee's eyes are angry, mad, punishing and unfazed..

Sammy's eyes dance with energy, they are wide open and singing

Kaos eyes dilate and become black, hungry, greedy with desire, violent

and Sparrows eyes are just tired, weary, consumed with doubt and fear, but also tender, caring and observant.  Sparrows eyes cry, they laugh, they love, and they are sad...

So when you look into Sparrows eyes, who do you see???  Who is there?  

All my eyes have subtle differences, and if you are watching, discerning and observant you can see who the eyes belong too..

So, whose eyes are they???

S

banner ideal

So, the first video recording is not good, so it has been scrapped.  We are talking of taking another direction with the video.  I don't know, I think it is not going to ever happen.  

We talk about topics, an avatar, introduction video etc...and  can't seem to come up with anything that my advocate is happy with.   I am just too fucking complicated....having 6 personalities is too much of a clusterfuck....I get the feeling that my advocate is not as into making this video as he first thought.  It sounded pretty easy on paper and in our heads, but actually putting it on video is turning out to be a chore and nothing more.

Maybe all the snags with this video is the universe telling me to not do this video.   

I want to do this video, but yet I am afraid of doing it, of putting myself out there...but at the same time, I am not alone in having DID and I have watched other DID videos that have helped me and felt like our video speaks in a way the other ones do not...but it is just not happening....it is frustrating my advocate and me....he says yes, we are filming, then it doesn't happen....I feel he really wants to do this video on one hand and then wishes he had never mentioned it on the other....

I already stress this guy out enough,  his job is stressful, and the last thing he needs is more stress on his days off.

I move to scratch the whole thing...I have lived all these years with DID and managed to have a life....no video will change that.  It is just too much drama and hectic and confusing and I feel I would just ruin it anyway...it would just be another failure...like the dog park, the homeless shelter...the things I have put my heart into and worked so hard for only for them to fail....I am a failure.  

I did not suggest making a video, that was my advocates brain child, but any project with me involved is doomed to fail.  I have super bad karma when it comes to something big or important.  

I don't know...I am just frustrated and confused and am feeling like a colossal failure.  He probably feels the same, except for the failure part.   

It always seems I get excited about a project,  hyped up and want to do it...but it stalls or never happens.  And the majority of projects I embark on all fail over time....again, its because I am a failure...I really feel I have failed already with this video before it even started.  Which is better than being months into a video and then failing.....fuck.

The dog park and homeless shelter were Tessa's thing.  When Sparrow stepped in and became involved, they failed.  When I was married, it was more Tessa than me that was married...when Sparrow stepped in, my marriage failed.

My DID is not conducive to accomplishments, quite the opposite, my DID ruins everything.....seriously.  

Look up DID in the dictionary and it says :  an innate ability to fail and fuck up anything and everything the host tries to do.  An inability to be successful.

I fucking hate having DID...it has fucked me up my entire sorry life.

This is why I hate becoming committed to something...I will fuck it up and ruin it....

So anyway, another banner ideal that has crashed and burned because my name is attached to it.

S

Subtle differences

It is hard to explain the differences of my alters and myself.   They are all subtly different.  Here are some pictures...

Sparrow

Here is Tessa:

Here is Ally

In each of these pics it is obviously me, Sparrow, but my eyes, my demeaner, my smile, my look is different.   

In my eyes I see a blonde hair, brown eyed woman, etc...

In Tessa's eyes, she sees a blue eyed woman with short hair.

In Ally's eyes,  she sees a little girl with red curly hair ...

they all see themselves differently...because they are all different...

Along with the look, they all three act differently....total different attitudes, mannerisms, habits, likes and dislikes etc...

I do not have any pictures of Sammy or Sophee or Kaos.

but each of them have their own style, look, physical shape etc...(in their eyes)...

How can one person be so different within themselves?  

S