suffocation of memories

Everything seems off to me, today.  My apartment feels like a strangers home...I feel like I am invading someone else's life... 

Even my dog, doesn't feel like my dog.  I feel so distant and aloof today....my face seems like the face of a stranger, who is this person looking back at me in the mirror?   I am a stranger to myself.   

Just who am I? really?  What is my purpose?  Why am I here?  The age old questions everyone asks of themselves, always wondering but never having an answer.

My life seems like a 1000 page book of unanswered questions...So many questions with no answers, so they just dangle in my head, making me doubt myself.

I believe everything happens for a reason, either good or bad, there is a reason behind it all.  I do not believe in coincidences or luck, I believe in life on life's terms.  There was a reason that fuck from Chandler Cement assaulted me verbally,  but what?

There is a reason I was fucked up as a child,  what is the reason I became involved with the Satanists...?  What part is that playing in my life now?  

What am I?  Who am I?

Am I Sophee? Lilly? Tessa? Ally? Sammy? Kaos?  all those personalities/people are distinct and separate from Sparrow...they all have their own style, very different and individual.

Did I have to suffer so badly and horribly as a child and teenager so I can help others?  Is that fair?  

I feel more memories trying to come to the surface...I feel like I am on the bottom of an ocean, swimming to the top, not quite breaking the surface but seeing the light above the water...so close, so close, and then I can't hold my breath any longer, and the surface of the water is just out of my reach...drives me crazy...this suffocation of memories...

In a way, I am a caged animal.  Looking through the bars of my scarred life,  longing to be free, yet afraid to be free...there is safety in my cage, but there is also fear of the unknown...do I want to break free and venture out and risk injury or death?   or do I stay in my cage, protected by the bars of security.   

Am I ready to be free of my cage?  

I just don't know....

S