injury.....

 So, just before Christmas I fell in the parking lot of a grocery store.  The only thing that hurt was my hand and hip.  But after a couple of days those areas felt fine.  Then like 4/5 days after the fall, my shoulder and chest area started hurting...what the fuck??  In fact, the pain started to become so bad I finally broke down and went to the doctors.  

Funny thing,  as the doctor was telling me to get a small pillow and use it for pressure when I cough because he thinks I may have broken a rib (I go get x rays later today) and I told him I had the perfect pillow, my Eeyore stuffie.  He looked right at me and said something to the effect that,  "You are so upbeat how can Eeyore have been your favorite stuffie as a kid (eeyore was always depressed or moping around with his head down)"...you seem happy...

If he only knew.........

SEE THIS IS THE PROBLEM:  On the outside, to the world, I am funny, gregarious, happy, smiling, cracking jokes, making people laugh...etc..MY ENTIRE LIFE I HAVE FAKED MY TRUE SELF.

When I was sad or depressed...NO ONE KNEW....by being upbeat and "happy" all the time, I could hide the real me, the real us....nobody looked at my behavior twice because they all assumed I was fine...just a quirky clown.

Once the Youtube video gets out, my blog gets out, everyone who thought they knew me, will be shocked.  Shocked to the point of disbelief I am afraid.   NOBODY is going to believe Sparrow, because she flies (no pun intended) in the face of Melissa.  Even the christians didn't believe that Jesus was the messiah, because they knew him when he was growing up....Jesus even said "It is hard to be a prophet in your own land"....very true words, even if I do not believe that Jesus was god, he still was smart.

Nobody is gonna believe I have alters,  that I lived and experienced the kind of horror I wrote about, that spawned my other personalities.  Nobody as in, family and people who have known me most of my life....it is a fantastic tale that happens to be true....my own land will deny me...

Because my arm didn't start hurting right away, I have been in denial that I may have actually injured myself.   The pain is intermittent, and I can still use my arm and hand...this is kinda what I feel the mentality of acceptance will be from others:  yes, she fell down, and hurt herself, but its not as bad as all that, may not even be broke...she is exaggerating her experience, she is fine.....yes, she was the product of a broken home and her step father was a wife beater, yes it could not have been easy for a kid, but kids are resilient and her childhood was not that bad...this alter shit is not real...she is telling tall tales with that imagination of hers...yada yada yada...

Surely my ribs are not broken, surely the pain is not as bad as it feels, surely I am just looking for attention....

surely my childhood was not ideal, surely my step dad wasn't that bad, surely I am just making things us as kids do....

SEE MY DELIMA, I AM FUCKED NO MATTER WHICH AVENUE I TAKE....STAY QUIET AND STAY SICK, OR GO PUBLIC AND BE MOCKED...

S,Tessa

PS.  X rays showed no fractures to my ribs.  So I have soft tissue damage of the muscles and tendons. No obvious reason to be in such pain....NO PROOF OF MY PAIN..I MUST BE MAKING IT ALL UP...FUCK