another fucking fall

 I swear, what the fuck is wrong with me?  I not only fell and hurt myself pretty good in the parking lot of a grocery store, now I have fallen inside a grocery store and bruised both knees.

I have tripped over things in the advocates house, and my own.  It is like I am drunk all the fucking time, I can't even walk across a room anymore without falling down.

I was so mortally embarrassed to fall in the parking lot, then even more embarrassed to fall in the store.  I feel like an idiot.   

Anymore I believe the safest thing for me is to just stay the fuck home, and do not walk around....don't go in public, don't go visit anyone, I am a walking disaster.

I know the fall in the grocery store was the fault of the worker.  He was stocking shelves and dropped some ad flyers and I stepped on one and it caused my foot to slide forward too far and down I went.  The employee was very apologetic, it was not his fault, just a fucking dumb accident.  But the thing is, this ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME.  Dumb fucking accidents, weird accidents happen only to me...ie..being hit by a deer, etc...

If something stupid, freak or unusual is going to happen, it will happen to me.  I have bruises all over my body from bumping into something, banging my head on a cabinet door, turning corners too sharply and hitting door frames and counter tops, or falling the fuck down.   I swear I look like a goddamn battered woman.  Most of the time, I can't even remember how I got a bruise...my brain is fucked too.

I have went from a graceful gymnast/dancer, to a clumsy old fart who can't stand upright.  A literal bull in a china cabinet.  It is beyond embarrassing and frustrating.

My knees hurt, my shoulder hurts, my head fucking hurts, I am just one big "Hurt"....I am shocked that I have not contracted Covid ....my body is probably waiting until the Covid pandemic is over, and done with, then come up with the illness and start the fucking pandemic all over again.  

The only good thing that has happened to me so far this new year, was actually new years day.  It has been a downhill slide from there.  I am so pathetic, no man wants me.   My advocate treats me like I am some fucking fragile china doll....and I guess I am....

At this rate, I will not make 2022.

I will probably be leaning against my balcony and the bannister will collapse and I will  go crashing to my death on the pavement below.....this is the kind of freaking shit that happens to me.  Only I would not have the luxury of dying, I would probably just break  my back or neck and end up a cripple in a wheel chair.   I keep living, in spite of myself.

I am the joke among the gods,  that is why I am still alive...a comedic idiot, staggering around, falling, bumping into things, the gods probably have a running bet on how I will injure myself today....fuck

And all this fucking clumsiness is really depressing me too...AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, I AM GETTING FAT AS A FUCKING PIG.  MY CLOTHES ARE GETTING TOO TIGHT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?????  MAYBE I NEED THE FAT TO PAD MY BODY FROM ALL THE GODDAMN FALLS, BUMPS AND BRUISES.

I feel so stupid for going to the doctor for my shoulder.  I put it off for over a week, because I hate going needlessly to the doctors.  But, I broke down and went, only to find out nothing is broken and I am fine....just a freaking hypochondriac idiot.   Next time I go to the doctor, it will be because I am almost dead or have a fever over 104, or a bone is sticking out.   I will not be a laughingstock to the medical staff..."here comes Sparrow, I wonder what she is complaining about now..."   

I am miserable and I hate myself.   I have noticed that Ally has not even come out to play for a couple of days now...she is tired of me too....I am glad she is not coming out,  last thing I need is for a 6 yr old to romp around and fall or hurt herself, then in turn, Sparrow is hurt.  FUCK

S