An alter hand out.

 So, I have an alter named Lilly.   She is very hard to explain.  She is still and quiet when she is around.  But she causes my head to hurt so much.   I don't write about her very often, because I am just not sure her real name or purpose.  She is called Lilly because she was caught by a bunch of religious zealots and Satanists who tagged her as a demon.  They named her Lilith (after the horrible Lilith of the old testament)..She did not start out as Lilly....

What is her real name?  Is it Chrissy after my chrissy doll?  Is it sissy?  why was she born?  Understanding each alter is very hard, its confusing and oftentimes nothing more than a clusterfuck in my head.. I feel like a mom to 6 kids and can't get their names straight when I call them... In fact, I never call them or make them come out, I can't.   They come out on their own time and for their own reasons.  My advocate can call them out, but he only does so to ask a question or to help me (if I am feeling weird) to find out if one of them is upset or angry about something.  

I am not a circus side show freak.  I keep having to tell myself that....but still....

Lilly is a little different than the other alters.  When she is fronting, I can see/or more feel her just off of and behind my right shoulder.  Just out of  my peripheral  vision...but I see a form with what seems to be long dark hair.  No facial features, no distinct colors or shapes...like a floating ghost...and my head starts pounding....she doesn't move, just stands there....so I wrote a poem about her.

  She just stands there,

  outside the door.

  not entering, not leaving,

  hovering, like a vulture

  circling a kill...

  Waiting,

  this silent stalker.

  A palace sentry,

  or prison guard,

  I cannot tell

  but she stands there

  motionless... watching, waiting,

  for me to fail.

I feel that all the alters were formed because of me failing or not being strong.  My mind failed to protect me, my brain broke down under the pressure of torture.   I was not strong enough to survive as a whole person.  

What a horrible soldier I would have been....retreating into myself at every battle....running away in my mind...a coward.  The alters were formed to protect the coward in me.   I had a weak mind, obviously a weak child.  Survival of the fittest....don't know how fit I was...obviously not fit enough....I had to have help...an alter hand out....

Thats it:  An alter handout....I was so fucking broken that it took 6 handouts to stand me upright.  not one, not two, not even three, but six.   Six fucking hand out personalities to keep me standing up, functioning and breathing....

The realization that I was such a coward as a child that I had to manufacture help...how humiliating for a now adult to swallow.    Especially, now as an adult, I still have my manufactured help that I can't get rid of.....permanent fixtures in my crowded tumor filled brain.  

YAY for me.

S