a clusterfuck

 So this is how I go from being a "normal" adult woman to a petulant little child....

I start off my day with coffee and the internet.  I read the news, check my bank account and piddle around on the computer as I drink my coffee.  Routine, normal...

the other morning, I got up after not sleeping that well the night before, but I got my coffee, booted up my computer and hit a snag.  Some reason all my passwords were fucked and I could not do my morning computer/coffee routine.    (I am somewhat Austistic when it comes to my routine.)  So this threw off my whole day....The more I tried to figure out the problem, the more frustrated I became....

when my brain hits a certain degree of frustration,  all the sudden all I hear in my head is "stupid ignorant, can't even work a laptop, you are so fucking stupid, etc..." and it doesn't stop....

Finally my advocate calls and talks me through the issue with the computer.  Ok, I try to settle down.  I leave the computer get dressed and need to go to the grocery store.  I bring my own bags, because I am very much into recycling and saving our planet.  But in the age of covid, the checkers will not use my bags....so I bag my own.   Everytime I go to the store and pull out my bags, the checkers give me shit.  They suck their teeth at me, stare at me as I bag my groceries...pointedly ridiculing me....some checkers have even said to the person behind me..."sorry for the wait, but she insist on bagging her own groceries".  Well today, that is exactly what happened, I was made to feel like a fool.....This is at Krogers....their checkers are not customer friendly.  

So that got me angry again, and it was pouring down rain when I left the store, so I had to drag bags of groceries up two flights of outdoor stairs to my apartment.  I got soaking wet....again, I was so pissed anyway because of the computer, then add the rude employees at Kroger and dragging up groceries in the pouring rain....I was irritable and my mental acuity was going down hill fast...

This is the straw that finally caused my head to split (literally)...my X husband did not change my name on my insurance card before the new year.  I received my new cards with my old name on them...I called him, he made some calls and then informed me I needed to fax some info to such and such number etc....so I did exactly as he had said...and I was waiting for my new card.   After I put away my groceries I picked up my mail...there was the envelope from the insurance company and I just naturally assumed it would have my new name on it.  I opened it up and  Melissa A was still on the card.   I did everything fucking to the letter I was told to do and nothing.  I lost it, that was the final straw of a shit day.....Last thing I remember clearly was calling my X and chewing his fucking ass out.  He is the policy holder it is his fucking responsibility to get this name change done...I threw a pair of reading glasses against the door, shattering them, then black......

At some point my advocate was there,  he took a picture of me laying on the bathroom floor, that is how he found me.  I had downed an entire bottle of wine...but my house was not destroyed, the only thing broken were the glasses...but my arm was badly bruised and injured....I believe right after I threw the glasses against the door, Sophee came out.  She stopped me from destroying my house in a fit of rage, instead she injured my arm...that sounds so bad, but she will hurt me, to stop me from hurting others, destroying things or killing myself.  She usually cuts or bruises my arm or leg to the point that the pain gets my attention and I start calming down....as weird as that sounds, it works....she is my persecutor. 

 

Sophee literally saves me from myself.....

The downside of Sophee and her methods, is that Ally (my little) does not understand why her arm hurts...she thinks she did something bad or broke something and she gets really sad, which literally breaks my heart and my advocates heart.  Then I am left feeling guilty of hurting a little kid, literally physically abusing a child....even though I am an adult, the little in me is only 6....

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I know that I shouldn't let words hurt me, I should be able to manage frustration, I should be adult.

The word STUPID, UGLY,  and the phrases "I WISH YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN" OR "IF I HAD THE MONEY I WOULD HAVE ABORTED YOU"...those words are tattooed in my brain.  They have shattered any confidence I could have had for myself.  They have forever made me feel sub human, not wanted, not loved, hated...MY mother did that to me.  She killed my spirit and it has never been able to grow to adulthood....

every time something goes wrong, immediately my head says "stupid, its your fault, you can't do anything right, you are worthless, unlovable, etc....I start punishing  myself for things I cannot control but feel I should be able to control.   Every thing is my fault...at least that is what my head tells me.

Years and years of therapy have never healed the way my head works....so instead of therapy I was put on drugs, schizophrenic pills, and every other damn thing....

Occasionally my advocate will suggest I see a shrink.  When he says that, I feel like he is giving up on me, that he is throwing his hands up in the air and surrendering.  That is what my parents did, my husband did, everyone.   It makes me feel like his love for me is fading, I am exhausting him like I do everyone, then I start feeling guilty and at fault for who I am...my fault.   My advocate is a good man, so good in fact, that even if he did want to leave me, or stop helping me, he wouldn't.  He would never abandon a friend.  So, that is black mail on my part.   No reasonable person would abandon someone in need of help, that is just being a goddamn good person.  That is my advocate.  

When Sophee strikes (which seems to be about every couple of weeks anymore) I know it upsets him, I know it makes him feel helpless in helping me, giving me what I need,  he is a man. He needs to be able to fix things. 

I truly believe this Covid pandemic and isolation is what is driving me crazy, the frustration of being basically under house arrest, I can't do....Spending time in my own head is not a good thing.  I start to feel claustrophobic and panic starts setting in...my depression is always there, the fucking headaches are always the fuck there...its too cold to go hiking or kayaking, and it is dark by 6 pm...all recipes for disaster for a DID/depressed person.  

My other extreme frustration is my X.  We are legally separated but still married only so he can cover my health insurance (which I have to have because of all the fucking brain tumors)..but he frustrates the fuck out of me....I want to divorce him so bad, but I need the insurance...I am stuck in a no win situation.  Because we are still married, he will not move on.  He refuses to date anyone or become involved with anyone because he feels "god will bring us back together and he will hold out as long as necessary until I "come to my senses" and move back.   

THIS MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I AM NEVER GOING BACK TO HIM.  So in his eyes and the eyes of my family, I am away fucking every dick I come into contact with and "selling my wild oats"....I am the whore bitch who left a "good man"...I am brain damaged garbage.  yadadadadadada

Its like I try so damn hard to manage my DID,  my advocate does his level best to make my environment easier for me....but my mental illness/condition gets in the way...all the fucking time....and what makes my issues so hard and difficult is ...on the outside, the surface, I am pretty, physically healthy, I eat well, I have no vices, I take care of my body...I look good on the outside.  So when my inside goes fuck crazy, the outside looks stupid and immature and onlookers just shake their heads and tsk tsk me away....

WHAT YOU SEE ON THE OUTSIDE IS NOT WHO AND WHAT I AM ON THE INSIDE.  ON THE OUTSIDE I AM SPARROW.  ON THE INSIDE, I AM SOPHEE, TESSA, LILLY, ALLY, SAMMY AND KAOS...a complete clusterfuck of personalities.

I suffer in silence...always have and always will.  The only difference now is that my advocate is aware of the personalities, they trust him, and he tries to meet the needs of each of them.  He deserves the purple heart, because I wound him over and over...

S......

PS.  when I drank that bottle of wine, I drank to stop the words in my head, to stop feeling.....I am not a drinker, per se, but when I cannot deal with or handle an extreme frustration, I try to stop it the only way I know how, through alcohol.