An alter hand out.

 So, I have an alter named Lilly.   She is very hard to explain.  She is still and quiet when she is around.  But she causes my head to hurt so much.   I don't write about her very often, because I am just not sure her real name or purpose.  She is called Lilly because she was caught by a bunch of religious zealots and Satanists who tagged her as a demon.  They named her Lilith (after the horrible Lilith of the old testament)..She did not start out as Lilly....

What is her real name?  Is it Chrissy after my chrissy doll?  Is it sissy?  why was she born?  Understanding each alter is very hard, its confusing and oftentimes nothing more than a clusterfuck in my head.. I feel like a mom to 6 kids and can't get their names straight when I call them... In fact, I never call them or make them come out, I can't.   They come out on their own time and for their own reasons.  My advocate can call them out, but he only does so to ask a question or to help me (if I am feeling weird) to find out if one of them is upset or angry about something.  

I am not a circus side show freak.  I keep having to tell myself that....but still....

Lilly is a little different than the other alters.  When she is fronting, I can see/or more feel her just off of and behind my right shoulder.  Just out of  my peripheral  vision...but I see a form with what seems to be long dark hair.  No facial features, no distinct colors or shapes...like a floating ghost...and my head starts pounding....she doesn't move, just stands there....so I wrote a poem about her.

  She just stands there,

  outside the door.

  not entering, not leaving,

  hovering, like a vulture

  circling a kill...

  Waiting,

  this silent stalker.

  A palace sentry,

  or prison guard,

  I cannot tell

  but she stands there

  motionless... watching, waiting,

  for me to fail.

I feel that all the alters were formed because of me failing or not being strong.  My mind failed to protect me, my brain broke down under the pressure of torture.   I was not strong enough to survive as a whole person.  

What a horrible soldier I would have been....retreating into myself at every battle....running away in my mind...a coward.  The alters were formed to protect the coward in me.   I had a weak mind, obviously a weak child.  Survival of the fittest....don't know how fit I was...obviously not fit enough....I had to have help...an alter hand out....

Thats it:  An alter handout....I was so fucking broken that it took 6 handouts to stand me upright.  not one, not two, not even three, but six.   Six fucking hand out personalities to keep me standing up, functioning and breathing....

The realization that I was such a coward as a child that I had to manufacture help...how humiliating for a now adult to swallow.    Especially, now as an adult, I still have my manufactured help that I can't get rid of.....permanent fixtures in my crowded tumor filled brain.  

YAY for me.

S

Sparrow Against the Wind

 Ok, so who would have thought producing a video was so much work and so time consuming.  I was like, I will just point the camera and shoot while the advocate talked.....fuck that....It took two full days to shoot like 15 minutes of video.....HOLY COW....I now have a greater appreciation for film crew and directors....

My advocate had really good ideas on visual presentations, and he speaks well on camera.  I am excited and terrified of this video series at the same time.  So now, he just has to edit, and cut and splice and put together the shots and upload to our Youtube station.  

Filming is long and tedious, tons of "starting at the beginning", "redos" and even making sure his clothes and the decor around him is untouched and looks the same....Two days of filming to look like it took a few minutes.  So, I have to make sure all inanimate objects are in the same place, his hair and clothes the same, etc....NO BLOOPERS!!   

So hopefully within the next couple of days, our first video will air on Youtube.  You won't be seeing me, not for awhile, I may do a cameo appearance here and there, but this video is not about me, its about the people around the DID person,  dealing with, understanding, watching for, etc...So it will be mostly my advocate talking about that type of stuff.

He will not be talking about the specific incidences and or details about the alters individual birth dates...the truama that made them...that is just not necessary.   The fact is they are here, so lets deal with them and learn to live with them....how they got there is really not that important, at least not really that important in what are series is about. 

I think we are going to call the channel "Sparrow against the wind."  that is a line from a poem I wrote years ago, and my tattoo is a picture of a sparrow flying against the wind...

I am excited and scared for this video.   I do not want to be a freak, I do not want to appear freakish like so many of the DID people in videos.  I am a normal adult woman, who happens to have 6 other personalities.   Sounds fucked up, but really, it is not so bad, it is my handicap.  Other people have handicaps they have to accept and deal with and move on, same with me.

S

suffocation of memories

Everything seems off to me, today.  My apartment feels like a strangers home...I feel like I am invading someone else's life... 

Even my dog, doesn't feel like my dog.  I feel so distant and aloof today....my face seems like the face of a stranger, who is this person looking back at me in the mirror?   I am a stranger to myself.   

Just who am I? really?  What is my purpose?  Why am I here?  The age old questions everyone asks of themselves, always wondering but never having an answer.

My life seems like a 1000 page book of unanswered questions...So many questions with no answers, so they just dangle in my head, making me doubt myself.

I believe everything happens for a reason, either good or bad, there is a reason behind it all.  I do not believe in coincidences or luck, I believe in life on life's terms.  There was a reason that fuck from Chandler Cement assaulted me verbally,  but what?

There is a reason I was fucked up as a child,  what is the reason I became involved with the Satanists...?  What part is that playing in my life now?  

What am I?  Who am I?

Am I Sophee? Lilly? Tessa? Ally? Sammy? Kaos?  all those personalities/people are distinct and separate from Sparrow...they all have their own style, very different and individual.

Did I have to suffer so badly and horribly as a child and teenager so I can help others?  Is that fair?  

I feel more memories trying to come to the surface...I feel like I am on the bottom of an ocean, swimming to the top, not quite breaking the surface but seeing the light above the water...so close, so close, and then I can't hold my breath any longer, and the surface of the water is just out of my reach...drives me crazy...this suffocation of memories...

In a way, I am a caged animal.  Looking through the bars of my scarred life,  longing to be free, yet afraid to be free...there is safety in my cage, but there is also fear of the unknown...do I want to break free and venture out and risk injury or death?   or do I stay in my cage, protected by the bars of security.   

Am I ready to be free of my cage?  

I just don't know....

S             

Tiny dancer

 If she could sleep,

how would that be?

Like a bird,

way up in a tree?

Maybe a fish,

deep down in the sea..

Or the dog,

who houses a flea..

How about the dream,

that fights to be free?

If she could sleep,

how would that be?

Why,

she'd be the tiny dancer,

who is actually me.

Sammy

Youtube video, the beginning

 So,  the Youtube show roll out has begun.  My advocate received the video camera in the mail, and has started the rough draft of the first segment.  He has done the new email address addressed with the account, and pretty much settled on a picture to be my avatar if you will.  He wants to take a picture of a Sparrow, and make it a puzzle....hard to explain, but I like the ideal.  The Sparrow matches the sparrow tattoo I have on my leg and also my name.

I was really nervous how the alters would react to the video.  I was not sure if they even knew of the ideal, approved of the ideal, or what.  I felt that we needed their permission too, or know what their concerns are...so my advocate called each alter out, explained the video, got their input and permission.  Evidently all the alters are "okay" with the video.  Only Tessa, I believe, had some issue but her and the advocate worked it out.

We will also be starting a Facebook page, only for the Video series and a separate blog.  The other blog will be me or the girls blogging about the segment discussed on the video.   Their thoughts, concerns, comments and mine... This particular blog (mksparrow) will not be part of the video because it is also about the brain tumors, splitting with my husband, religion and other topics not pertinent to the blog or its material.  However, some entries will be pasted to the new blog if it is relevant to the topic.

When we start actually filming,  I am going to be behind the camera.  My advocate gave me lessens on the camera, the stand (how it works), I will operate the camera, and do all the behind the scenes work.  I do not want to be on camera...I know I will have to show my face occasionally so the people watching will see that I "do exist"!  haha, but this video series is more for Kevin and the caregivers and loved ones of people with DID.  How to spot it, how to understand, how to live and incorporate the condition into daily normal lives.   There are so many videos out there about DID.  Some are frauds, posing as DID (my advocate also has suggestions for "testing" to see if this person really has DID or some other condition like PTSD or whatever.) Some are very good, I watch two different ones from two women who have DID...but it is them talking, not her significant other....so our video has a different slant to it.  I feel, once it gets out there,  lots of family members (of DID sufferers) will tune in and I hope the show really helps them...

I have been warned about trolls and people who will do nothing but criticize and ridicule the subject.  I will not be reading any of the comments left by people....I do not do rejection well......

I was talking to a friend of mine and she suggested that, when I do appear on the video I will wear a mask or glasses with a mustache attached...hahaha  I CAN DO THAT!!  Great fucking ideal.

So, there you have it.....it has begun...

S

a clusterfuck

 So this is how I go from being a "normal" adult woman to a petulant little child....

I start off my day with coffee and the internet.  I read the news, check my bank account and piddle around on the computer as I drink my coffee.  Routine, normal...

the other morning, I got up after not sleeping that well the night before, but I got my coffee, booted up my computer and hit a snag.  Some reason all my passwords were fucked and I could not do my morning computer/coffee routine.    (I am somewhat Austistic when it comes to my routine.)  So this threw off my whole day....The more I tried to figure out the problem, the more frustrated I became....

when my brain hits a certain degree of frustration,  all the sudden all I hear in my head is "stupid ignorant, can't even work a laptop, you are so fucking stupid, etc..." and it doesn't stop....

Finally my advocate calls and talks me through the issue with the computer.  Ok, I try to settle down.  I leave the computer get dressed and need to go to the grocery store.  I bring my own bags, because I am very much into recycling and saving our planet.  But in the age of covid, the checkers will not use my bags....so I bag my own.   Everytime I go to the store and pull out my bags, the checkers give me shit.  They suck their teeth at me, stare at me as I bag my groceries...pointedly ridiculing me....some checkers have even said to the person behind me..."sorry for the wait, but she insist on bagging her own groceries".  Well today, that is exactly what happened, I was made to feel like a fool.....This is at Krogers....their checkers are not customer friendly.  

So that got me angry again, and it was pouring down rain when I left the store, so I had to drag bags of groceries up two flights of outdoor stairs to my apartment.  I got soaking wet....again, I was so pissed anyway because of the computer, then add the rude employees at Kroger and dragging up groceries in the pouring rain....I was irritable and my mental acuity was going down hill fast...

This is the straw that finally caused my head to split (literally)...my X husband did not change my name on my insurance card before the new year.  I received my new cards with my old name on them...I called him, he made some calls and then informed me I needed to fax some info to such and such number etc....so I did exactly as he had said...and I was waiting for my new card.   After I put away my groceries I picked up my mail...there was the envelope from the insurance company and I just naturally assumed it would have my new name on it.  I opened it up and  Melissa A was still on the card.   I did everything fucking to the letter I was told to do and nothing.  I lost it, that was the final straw of a shit day.....Last thing I remember clearly was calling my X and chewing his fucking ass out.  He is the policy holder it is his fucking responsibility to get this name change done...I threw a pair of reading glasses against the door, shattering them, then black......

At some point my advocate was there,  he took a picture of me laying on the bathroom floor, that is how he found me.  I had downed an entire bottle of wine...but my house was not destroyed, the only thing broken were the glasses...but my arm was badly bruised and injured....I believe right after I threw the glasses against the door, Sophee came out.  She stopped me from destroying my house in a fit of rage, instead she injured my arm...that sounds so bad, but she will hurt me, to stop me from hurting others, destroying things or killing myself.  She usually cuts or bruises my arm or leg to the point that the pain gets my attention and I start calming down....as weird as that sounds, it works....she is my persecutor. 

 

Sophee literally saves me from myself.....

The downside of Sophee and her methods, is that Ally (my little) does not understand why her arm hurts...she thinks she did something bad or broke something and she gets really sad, which literally breaks my heart and my advocates heart.  Then I am left feeling guilty of hurting a little kid, literally physically abusing a child....even though I am an adult, the little in me is only 6....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know that I shouldn't let words hurt me, I should be able to manage frustration, I should be adult.

The word STUPID, UGLY,  and the phrases "I WISH YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN" OR "IF I HAD THE MONEY I WOULD HAVE ABORTED YOU"...those words are tattooed in my brain.  They have shattered any confidence I could have had for myself.  They have forever made me feel sub human, not wanted, not loved, hated...MY mother did that to me.  She killed my spirit and it has never been able to grow to adulthood....

every time something goes wrong, immediately my head says "stupid, its your fault, you can't do anything right, you are worthless, unlovable, etc....I start punishing  myself for things I cannot control but feel I should be able to control.   Every thing is my fault...at least that is what my head tells me.

Years and years of therapy have never healed the way my head works....so instead of therapy I was put on drugs, schizophrenic pills, and every other damn thing....

Occasionally my advocate will suggest I see a shrink.  When he says that, I feel like he is giving up on me, that he is throwing his hands up in the air and surrendering.  That is what my parents did, my husband did, everyone.   It makes me feel like his love for me is fading, I am exhausting him like I do everyone, then I start feeling guilty and at fault for who I am...my fault.   My advocate is a good man, so good in fact, that even if he did want to leave me, or stop helping me, he wouldn't.  He would never abandon a friend.  So, that is black mail on my part.   No reasonable person would abandon someone in need of help, that is just being a goddamn good person.  That is my advocate.  

When Sophee strikes (which seems to be about every couple of weeks anymore) I know it upsets him, I know it makes him feel helpless in helping me, giving me what I need,  he is a man. He needs to be able to fix things. 

I truly believe this Covid pandemic and isolation is what is driving me crazy, the frustration of being basically under house arrest, I can't do....Spending time in my own head is not a good thing.  I start to feel claustrophobic and panic starts setting in...my depression is always there, the fucking headaches are always the fuck there...its too cold to go hiking or kayaking, and it is dark by 6 pm...all recipes for disaster for a DID/depressed person.  

My other extreme frustration is my X.  We are legally separated but still married only so he can cover my health insurance (which I have to have because of all the fucking brain tumors)..but he frustrates the fuck out of me....I want to divorce him so bad, but I need the insurance...I am stuck in a no win situation.  Because we are still married, he will not move on.  He refuses to date anyone or become involved with anyone because he feels "god will bring us back together and he will hold out as long as necessary until I "come to my senses" and move back.   

THIS MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I AM NEVER GOING BACK TO HIM.  So in his eyes and the eyes of my family, I am away fucking every dick I come into contact with and "selling my wild oats"....I am the whore bitch who left a "good man"...I am brain damaged garbage.  yadadadadadada

Its like I try so damn hard to manage my DID,  my advocate does his level best to make my environment easier for me....but my mental illness/condition gets in the way...all the fucking time....and what makes my issues so hard and difficult is ...on the outside, the surface, I am pretty, physically healthy, I eat well, I have no vices, I take care of my body...I look good on the outside.  So when my inside goes fuck crazy, the outside looks stupid and immature and onlookers just shake their heads and tsk tsk me away....

WHAT YOU SEE ON THE OUTSIDE IS NOT WHO AND WHAT I AM ON THE INSIDE.  ON THE OUTSIDE I AM SPARROW.  ON THE INSIDE, I AM SOPHEE, TESSA, LILLY, ALLY, SAMMY AND KAOS...a complete clusterfuck of personalities.

I suffer in silence...always have and always will.  The only difference now is that my advocate is aware of the personalities, they trust him, and he tries to meet the needs of each of them.  He deserves the purple heart, because I wound him over and over...

S......

PS.  when I drank that bottle of wine, I drank to stop the words in my head, to stop feeling.....I am not a drinker, per se, but when I cannot deal with or handle an extreme frustration, I try to stop it the only way I know how, through alcohol.  

alone in my thoughts

 Alone in my thoughts,

alone in my fears,

alone in my heart,

all from the start.

I serve no purpose.

I listen to music,

and store it away,

hoping to hear it

on another day.  

I do not speak,

I have no opinion,

I do not fight,

and I do not play.

I just listen and dance

when Sparrow is away.

Sammy

another fucking fall

 I swear, what the fuck is wrong with me?  I not only fell and hurt myself pretty good in the parking lot of a grocery store, now I have fallen inside a grocery store and bruised both knees.

I have tripped over things in the advocates house, and my own.  It is like I am drunk all the fucking time, I can't even walk across a room anymore without falling down.

I was so mortally embarrassed to fall in the parking lot, then even more embarrassed to fall in the store.  I feel like an idiot.   

Anymore I believe the safest thing for me is to just stay the fuck home, and do not walk around....don't go in public, don't go visit anyone, I am a walking disaster.

I know the fall in the grocery store was the fault of the worker.  He was stocking shelves and dropped some ad flyers and I stepped on one and it caused my foot to slide forward too far and down I went.  The employee was very apologetic, it was not his fault, just a fucking dumb accident.  But the thing is, this ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME.  Dumb fucking accidents, weird accidents happen only to me...ie..being hit by a deer, etc...

If something stupid, freak or unusual is going to happen, it will happen to me.  I have bruises all over my body from bumping into something, banging my head on a cabinet door, turning corners too sharply and hitting door frames and counter tops, or falling the fuck down.   I swear I look like a goddamn battered woman.  Most of the time, I can't even remember how I got a bruise...my brain is fucked too.

I have went from a graceful gymnast/dancer, to a clumsy old fart who can't stand upright.  A literal bull in a china cabinet.  It is beyond embarrassing and frustrating.

My knees hurt, my shoulder hurts, my head fucking hurts, I am just one big "Hurt"....I am shocked that I have not contracted Covid ....my body is probably waiting until the Covid pandemic is over, and done with, then come up with the illness and start the fucking pandemic all over again.  

The only good thing that has happened to me so far this new year, was actually new years day.  It has been a downhill slide from there.  I am so pathetic, no man wants me.   My advocate treats me like I am some fucking fragile china doll....and I guess I am....

At this rate, I will not make 2022.

I will probably be leaning against my balcony and the bannister will collapse and I will  go crashing to my death on the pavement below.....this is the kind of freaking shit that happens to me.  Only I would not have the luxury of dying, I would probably just break  my back or neck and end up a cripple in a wheel chair.   I keep living, in spite of myself.

I am the joke among the gods,  that is why I am still alive...a comedic idiot, staggering around, falling, bumping into things, the gods probably have a running bet on how I will injure myself today....fuck

And all this fucking clumsiness is really depressing me too...AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, I AM GETTING FAT AS A FUCKING PIG.  MY CLOTHES ARE GETTING TOO TIGHT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?????  MAYBE I NEED THE FAT TO PAD MY BODY FROM ALL THE GODDAMN FALLS, BUMPS AND BRUISES.

I feel so stupid for going to the doctor for my shoulder.  I put it off for over a week, because I hate going needlessly to the doctors.  But, I broke down and went, only to find out nothing is broken and I am fine....just a freaking hypochondriac idiot.   Next time I go to the doctor, it will be because I am almost dead or have a fever over 104, or a bone is sticking out.   I will not be a laughingstock to the medical staff..."here comes Sparrow, I wonder what she is complaining about now..."   

I am miserable and I hate myself.   I have noticed that Ally has not even come out to play for a couple of days now...she is tired of me too....I am glad she is not coming out,  last thing I need is for a 6 yr old to romp around and fall or hurt herself, then in turn, Sparrow is hurt.  FUCK

S

injury.....

 So, just before Christmas I fell in the parking lot of a grocery store.  The only thing that hurt was my hand and hip.  But after a couple of days those areas felt fine.  Then like 4/5 days after the fall, my shoulder and chest area started hurting...what the fuck??  In fact, the pain started to become so bad I finally broke down and went to the doctors.  

Funny thing,  as the doctor was telling me to get a small pillow and use it for pressure when I cough because he thinks I may have broken a rib (I go get x rays later today) and I told him I had the perfect pillow, my Eeyore stuffie.  He looked right at me and said something to the effect that,  "You are so upbeat how can Eeyore have been your favorite stuffie as a kid (eeyore was always depressed or moping around with his head down)"...you seem happy...

If he only knew.........

SEE THIS IS THE PROBLEM:  On the outside, to the world, I am funny, gregarious, happy, smiling, cracking jokes, making people laugh...etc..MY ENTIRE LIFE I HAVE FAKED MY TRUE SELF.

When I was sad or depressed...NO ONE KNEW....by being upbeat and "happy" all the time, I could hide the real me, the real us....nobody looked at my behavior twice because they all assumed I was fine...just a quirky clown.

Once the Youtube video gets out, my blog gets out, everyone who thought they knew me, will be shocked.  Shocked to the point of disbelief I am afraid.   NOBODY is going to believe Sparrow, because she flies (no pun intended) in the face of Melissa.  Even the christians didn't believe that Jesus was the messiah, because they knew him when he was growing up....Jesus even said "It is hard to be a prophet in your own land"....very true words, even if I do not believe that Jesus was god, he still was smart.

Nobody is gonna believe I have alters,  that I lived and experienced the kind of horror I wrote about, that spawned my other personalities.  Nobody as in, family and people who have known me most of my life....it is a fantastic tale that happens to be true....my own land will deny me...

Because my arm didn't start hurting right away, I have been in denial that I may have actually injured myself.   The pain is intermittent, and I can still use my arm and hand...this is kinda what I feel the mentality of acceptance will be from others:  yes, she fell down, and hurt herself, but its not as bad as all that, may not even be broke...she is exaggerating her experience, she is fine.....yes, she was the product of a broken home and her step father was a wife beater, yes it could not have been easy for a kid, but kids are resilient and her childhood was not that bad...this alter shit is not real...she is telling tall tales with that imagination of hers...yada yada yada...

Surely my ribs are not broken, surely the pain is not as bad as it feels, surely I am just looking for attention....

surely my childhood was not ideal, surely my step dad wasn't that bad, surely I am just making things us as kids do....

SEE MY DELIMA, I AM FUCKED NO MATTER WHICH AVENUE I TAKE....STAY QUIET AND STAY SICK, OR GO PUBLIC AND BE MOCKED...

S,Tessa

PS.  X rays showed no fractures to my ribs.  So I have soft tissue damage of the muscles and tendons. No obvious reason to be in such pain....NO PROOF OF MY PAIN..I MUST BE MAKING IT ALL UP...FUCK

Sycamore street

 So since I have been away from Oklahoma, and getting some "therapy", and really trying to be an independent competent woman in my own way,  and living by myself, the alters have been more forthcoming with my memories.   They are "integrating' with me, more and more.  I have posted many posts about them and me integrating....

But now,  as I am searching for clues as to my childhood, trying to map out a timeline of my life, the alters have been alternately giving me memories and hiding other memories.

For example:  I wrote about the "candy store/dead body find", but in my head I was remembering a street called "Westmoreland" that we lived on at the time...my advocate and I scoured Google maps looking for the house I lived in, the candy store, and the house of the body....could not find it, it was not familiar.  So, I was beginning to think maybe I dreamed up the whole incident...so frustrating...

Later that night, out of the blue, the word "Sycamore" popped into my head.  I sent a text to my dad if he remembered the street, he only remembered Westmoreland, as he moved in there with my mom before they were married.   But still, something was off to me...I had been texting my dad about living in Texas and stuff and he was pretty helpful, until I sent him a text asking him if we had lived on a street called "Sycamore"....ALL THE SUDDEN NOTHING,  CRICKETS..he abruptly stopped texting, silence for almost 2 days, then he sent a text "yes, that is the street you lived on after leaving your grandpas and before living on Westmoreland.  He confirmed that "Sycamore" was fact.

Google maps showed that there is indeed a street in Abilene TX called "Sycamore" and it is pretty close to "Westmoreland"...I google mapped that street, and I think I found the house.....

So many of my memories are so chaotic, it is hard to nail down facts....and alot of my memories are fantastic, ie..watching the plane crash,  Lou lou, etc....How could these over the top memories be real??

My advocate is going to help me navigate the google maps, to find the convenience store I bought the candy in and the house I saw the body.....then we are going to try and find out through old online records for a death in that area around 1972....NOBODY BELIEVED ME THAT I SAW THAT DEAD BODY, just like no one believed me that plane crashed and most of the rest of my memories, that have now turned out to be in fact, true.

I realize delving into my past will bring more memories, and I am sure my alters may not be happy about it, since they have kept the memories from me...but I am different now.  I no longer have to perform or conform to the rules of John or God.  I can voice my memories,   I know that eventually this blog and the Youtube video will get out there...so I am trying to prepare myself for the backlash of doubters and family members that do not want their little secrets exposed....

I cannot be silent anymore, I cannot keep the secrets anymore...SECRETS KEEP YOU SICK

I struggled my whole life to be accepted and treated like everybody else.   I have done everything I could to appear normal and whole.  I have suffered greatly from the pressure of silence.  But no more.

I will not be silent......if it causes what is left of my family to abandon me...then so be it.   Me and family have never been close anyway, except for a small 

Anyway back to Sycamore.  I know that living in that house does not bring back good memories for my mom....certainly not for me, but I have to know more....I feel like an adopted child searching for my real life....right now, my real life is coming to the surface and it is not pretty....but it is real, it is my truth and I need to accept and move on....but moving on means I have to "know" what I am moving on from....I believe either Tessa or Sophee gave me the name "Sycamore"...my dad and mom would not tell me about that street....only after it was given to me and I asked dad, he said yes ya lived there.  That's it.....My mom has clammed up....I will not ever be able to get any information or conformation from her.  And my dad told me years and years ago, that I was never to speak of my past again to my mom or anybody.  He tried to shut me up....and it worked for years,  now, I am no longer keeping my mouth shut.  I need to know who I am, why I am the way I am, and where do I go from here....

Just like an adopted person may feel....who, what, where, how, why was I born, ...I feel the same way..only I will not find another family, so I have to accept mine......fuck.

Okay....so 

S