The problem

 I have nothing intelligent to say.  I know nothing about science or space or geeky stuff: computers, cell phones etc...I do not have a job, or a career or anything that is productive and important.  I have no friends to talk with and share in their lives and them in mine.  My only contact is my advocate.  Other than him, I am so alone,  isolated and secluded.  This is the fact of living with DID.  Isolation and loneliness. (and the fucking Covid-19 doesn't help either, this stupid lockdown).

My advocate has a job, an important job.  He has work "wives" and work "friends".  He interacts with people all day.  He is smart, he knows about everything, he watches shows that confuse me and fuck with my head, like quantum physics...He has intelligent insight into issues that effect our country and politics, he understands things, in fact, he is a problem solver...  

I try to not eavesdrop when he is on the phone to his friends or family, but sometimes I can't help but hear the conversations.  They are about work, the country, family, politics etc...He talks with smart intelligent people,  people who have careers, people who are "normal"....and they talk about grown up adult topics.

Then there is me, abnormal.  I cannot carry on an intelligent conversation with him.  He makes me feel so dumb and stupid.  He does not mean too, but it happens anyway.  I am so beneath him...If he talks  about his job, I listen, but if I offer a comment or a solution or whatever, he ignores it, or glosses over my suggestion, or very nicely corrects me and explains to me why my "suggestion or comment" is irrelevant.  I get it too, because I have no ideal of his job, or the people he works with.  I am new to the situation, basically I need to not offer conversation about things I do not know anything about.

I feel the same way about my Nurse friends, and other friends (the very few I have but don't live by me)...they are all so important, so smart, so needed...and here I am...doing nothing...sitting on my ass spending my X- husbands money...doing absolutely nothing, being no one, just trying to get through another day...

The only thing that is interesting about me is the DID.  And that is only 1/7 th me.  The rest is the crowd.  I am a novelty right now.  Something new to learn about and study,  a mental illness practice dummy....What do I have to talk about?  my rats? my dog?  how many times I brushed my teeth today?  

I am a sex toy and DID girl.  Thats it.  That is the sum total of my life.   If I died today, the only people who would be impacted is maybe my advocate, but mostly my dog.  I love sex, in fact I crave it.  I think about sex all the time...I miss being beautiful and sexy, its the only thing I feel I can do pretty good.  How sad is that...how sad that I base my entire worth on whether or not I am desirable.  fuck, stupid stupid stupid.  See this is what happens when you are so alone, your mind fixates on stupid things...

My advocate wants to start a youtube tutorial about living with a partner/family member who has DID.   To educate the care givers to DID freaks.   Again, he is doing something that is smart, that helps others, he will make a difference in the lives of the people who watch and learn from his videos.  

But me? no.  I am the subject...the sick one...I will be in the closet...I am so ashamed of my DID...I couldn't bare putting my voice and face out there...It would be a distraction from the important work that he wants to do with this condition.  So, I will continue to hide and be invisible.

I feel I am a problem.  A problem to be solved, explained and managed.  He should call the video "The problem with alters and dealing with them"  and if I put a face to this "problem" then I BECOME THE PROBLEM...people will tune in to see "the problem"....to see the freak show, rather than to learn anything.

I am not proud of having DID.  I am not proud of the fact that I survived..because by surviving the side effects of my trauma,  it turned me into a 7 headed monster...that is not survival of the fittest, that is mutation and the birth of another kind of monster.   

I know that I should not be writing this...but if I keep it inside, then I become worse.

I am just so goddamn tired of being so fucking stupid.  Of expecting things that won't happen.  Of voicing my needs and desires only to see them left laying on the floor in pieces.  When will I ever learn.

OH YEAH, THE ALTERS BLOCK MY LEARNING...THEY LIKE ME TO FEEL HUMILIATED AND USED, WORTHLESS AND STUPID.  THEY REVEL IN SEEING ME FALL ON MY FACE TIME AND TIME AGAIN...I AM THE FREAK SHOW FOR THEM TO WATCH TOO

FUCK, ANOTHER BANNER DAY...FOR THE PROBLEM.  AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU ARE NOT THE FREAK BUT ONLY READING ABOUT THE FREAK?  IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN YOU SHOULD FALL ON YOUR FACE BEFORE YOUR GOD AND THANK HIM PROFUSELY FOR NOT DESTROYING YOUR LIFE LIKE HERS WAS...HE FELT YOU MATTERED...BE GRATEFUL.

S. s