the monster

 I do not understand why a man would want to have multiple wives, or multiple girlfriends.

I do not understand how they could possibly keep everybody happy and not have drama....but with me, that is exactly that.  Drama.

I am only one physical body, but my mind is 7 different girls.  All with their own desires, wants, needs, thoughts, opinions etc...It is so hard for me, at times, to know why I am feeling one way or another, I can't even imagine how hard it must be for my significant other.   Am I just a really huge puzzle that he is putting together?  Am I a novelty?  A challenge? do I appeal to the intelligent brain--fix the problem?  

what happens when he gets tired of me/us...the constant drama, the ridiculous feelings and emotions that flow through me every fucking day all day...feelings I can't explain...feelings that to the "regular" world, they just look at me as "being a brat, or too emotional, or over the top, or a fucking pyscho.  Doctors wanted to medicate me, to make my emotions and everything else stable....meaning...drugs.  Shut up the 7 voices in my head...make me pliable, a robot.

My advocate is working so hard to help me to integrate and accept and learn more about these girls in my head, and when I feel "things" are getting better...BAM, back on my ass trying to figure out why I am feeling so fucking depressed or angry at myself...I understand that all women have emotions, issues, that women are much more sensitive than men, but with me, take all that X7, and you have an emotional nightmare, a wreck of a woman....screaming because, well, because I don't know why!!!!!

Ex;  for two days, I was led to believe something would happen...it did not happen the first day, so I let it slide because I was told it would be tomorrow.  Then tomorrow came and it did not happen again...I was upset, I felt stood up, even humiliated that I was looking forward to something....but I was not that upset...

but...evidently some of the alters also wanted what was expected to happen.  And when it didn't they were upset too.....enter, Sparrow...a fucking lunatic, going crazy because so much fucking shit emotion and anger and every other damn thing is cursing through me...My brain took the situation and heightened it to a level where, Sophee ended up stopping me.  But she was pissed too...

I was feeling embarrassed and frustrated that I seemed to be taking everything so much harder and reading into it more than it deserved....over thinking??  over feeling....I had no ideal why I was falling off a cliff.

Later,  a text was sent to my advocate from one of the girls, and he realized that they too were causing me emotional upset....he not only disappointed me, sparrow, he disappointed the girls too and they were letting me know the only way they know how...by fucking with my head and heart...

So, we now know more than ever, that my emotional state also relies heavily on the emotional state of my alters...

I don't know how to navigate my life so that we are all happy and content.  But I am learning, and I know I am going to fail and fuck up alot...but I have no choice but to accept and live with these alters.  

Acceptance is the hardest for me.....I fight them at every turn....its hard to accept that a monster created a monster.....I am that 7 headed  monster that was created....by a monster.   Now I have to tame the monster, master the monster, and live as a monster but not be a monster...

Fuck

S