Fact: in 2008, I was diagnosed with a smallish frontal lobe meningioma. The tumor was pressed up against the Sattual Sinus Cavity vein. I had been having headaches for a long time, and finally found out why. Because of the location of the tumor, it could not be removed, so they elected to do Stereotactic Radiation Surgery. They used a machine to beam 14 beams of radiation to attack the tumor and kill it. After the procedure, the doctor, brain surgeon, physicist and everyone involved with the procedure came out and sat my folks and husband down and informed them that "one" of the beams strayed off course and burned 30 % of healthy brain tissue...in my frontal lobe...but they assured us that it probably is nothing and I shouldn't worry......The radiation burned and damaged my frontal lobe.
Every year after that I had MRI's done, the first 3 or so years everything looked good....then one year I had 3 tumors, the next year 6 until in 2016 I had more than 10 meningeomas...all in the location of the radiation burn. I have no ideal how many I have now, and since another surgery is out of the question (can only do brain surgery once) I have to live with the fact that I have 10+ little time bombs in my brain.
Now compare all of that to the fact that I also have DID. Headaches are very common with DID and headaches are very common with brain tumors. So which is causing the headaches....
I loose time, I forget things...DID sufferers also forget things, loose time, people with frontal lobe tumors forget things, loose time....
frontal lobe damage changes a person, literally can change their personality...when an alter is fronting my personality is different, I change to another person....is it the tumors that cause me to be different or the alters?
It is so fucking hard to figure out: what is tumors vs what is DID.
I get anxious and have panic attacks...is that DID or the brain tumors? Brain tumors, especially in the frontal lobes, change people, they change who they fundamentally are....so does DID.
The brain tumors and the DID have taken away my identity. They have taken the woman "Sparrow/Melissa" wife, mother, sister, daughter, grandma (my identity) and have changed me to "Sparrow" woman with DID and brain tumors...I have went from NORMAL to FREAK...I am now known as the DID person...I use to be the dog lady, now I am the multiple lady....FUCK
I REALLY DO NOT HAVE AN IDENTITY ANYMORE. I AM A CONGLOMERATE OF MANY ENTITIES TRYING TO CRAM THEMSELVES INTO A SMALL BRAIN/BUILDING. JOCKYING FOR POSITION AND CAUSING HAVOC AND HEARTACHE.
When I talk about my DID and tumors, I know I sound so fucking far out...how the hell can she even live and function? Shouldn't she be locked up? How can one person have so much inside their brain yet still be independent and somewhat responsible?
Well that is debatable...I feel out of control, confused and angry most of the time....I have so many emotions that are not normal...I feel mixed up and confused most of the time...I am constantly at war with myself and them, the girls. They want to be host, fuck Tessa is more host than I am....maybe she is the only sane one and the rest of us are fucking head cases! haha....and at the same time, I have the reminders of 10+ little ticking time bombs inside my head every time I get a headache...will I have a stroke now (stroke is my biggest threat)...I walk on the egg shells that are my life.
S
so is it my brain tumors that cause so many symptoms or is it the alters??? its a convoluted mess....
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