baby doll

 She was never allowed to hold her baby brother.  She wanted to hold him so bad, but she did not want to break him.  She was told she would only drop him and hurt him.  So she watched her mother hold and cuddle the baby boy.  She watched all the love her mother had go straight to the baby boy.  Mom had no love left for her and maybe not even for her sister.  

she swore when she had a baby she would not drop or break it.  She would love and cuddle it, just like she watched her mother do with her brother.  She will give her baby all the love she did not get.  All the cuddles she did not get.

for her birthday or christmas (she can't remember) she got a baby doll as a gift.  The doll was soft and her eyes opened and closed.  She was very cuddly and looked just like a baby.  She loved that doll, she sang to it, cradled it, changed its clothes, put it too bed, she wanted to be a good mommy.  

the doll was taken away from her.  one day her mother was angry and saw her holding the doll, mom yanked the doll out of her hands and threw it in the garbage.  

she felt as if her mom had thrown her in the garbage.  she did not cry, however.  if she cried she got beat or punished.  so she let the doll stay in the garbage...she forgot about the doll.

better to forget than to remember.  forgetting does not hurt.

sammy