10 minutes at a time

 Well shit.  I am not sure what is going on with me.  I really can't tell if it is me, or one of the others...but seems like my headaches are getting worse.

Is it the brain tumors or the alters?  Alters give me headaches, especially Lilly.  But this pain is different.  It is more of a throbbing nerve shooting pain, throbbing pain, shooting bolts of lightening behind the back of my eyes...Even closing my eyes and trying to rest, I feel the pain, cursing through my head.  I am also feeling so fatigued, even though I am sleeping good hours...(my temperature has never been feverish, so I don't think its Covid).

Is it the weather?  It has been very cold and rainy/snowy...does the atmospheric pressure cause the headaches to be more pronounced?  

As with migraines, my nausea is getting worse...the more my head hurts, the more nauseous I am.  When I close my eyes, I will get flashes of bright light, like a strobe light going off in my head...its very irritating to say the least...and I have had some dizziness and lightheadedness.  A couple of days ago, I was getting out of my jeep in a parking lot, and fell flat on my face...all I remember is getting out of the jeep, then laying on the hard pavement thinking "what the fuck?"  I seem to be running into things, knocking things over and being more clumsy than ever....is it getting older, or is it more?

Everything seems to hurt more, the pain throughout my body is more pronounced.  For example:  I step barefoot on a rock...ouch, but it feels more like I stepped on a piece of lava spiked metal...the pain seems inordinately more severe.  WEIRD AS FUCK...

I mentioned the worsening headaches to my advocate,  which I should not have done.  Now he is all worried and talking about "watching" me, and then going back to the Neurologist.  I have not had an MRI done of my tumors in more than 4 yrs.  So I really have no ideal how many new tumors I have or if they are growing or what....I don't want to know, frankly, because I cannot have any more types of brain surgery.  Anything there is inoperable anyway.....and I don't want to get back on pain pills, yet the weed I smoke is doing nothing for me anymore....I am getting stuck in a hard place.

What if by surviving 2020 to find out I am going to die in 2021 because of the brain cancer, I just don't want to know.  Fuck it is so hard living with all these ticking time bombs in my head.  

How can one person have so much going on in their head?

13 + brain tumors

7-alters

20 + fucking obstacles for my poor little brain to have to navigate....its no wonder I am an out of control emotional nightmare...no wonder my head hurts....

The chronic pain, now the worsening chronic pain, is wearing me down....how can I remain happy and healthy, when I hurt all the fucking time?  My advocate has chronic foot pain from a botched surgery, yet he is able to take pain medications and he goes to pain management.  He is probably addicted to the meds they are giving him, but they help him....for me, I am on no pain medication at all, except for the occasional Tramadol, and Ibuprofen.   Even drinking alcohol does not really help, mostly it fucks with my insulin levels and makes me nauseous.  

I try real hard, to not let anyone know the kind of pain I am in.  I keep most of it to myself.  I do not want to be a whiner and complainer.  So when I am with others, or in public, I live through the pain, I laugh, joke, hike, whatever, anything to try and distract me from the pain.

But when I am home, by myself, in the security of my own place...I let the pain come, and I cry or yell or scream or feel sorry for myself...I let myself be in pain....after holding it back all day, I release....and feel......then try to sleep.  Maybe I am not sleeping as well as I thought because I am trying to sleep with a headache...It must be a restless sleep....

I have also decided to not "whine" to my advocate anymore about my headaches...he knows I have them, I do not need to constantly remind him, he has enough to deal with, and he can't do anything for the pain anyway...so me complaining just makes him feel more helpless...its not fair to him or anybody for that matter to hear me constantly bitch moan and complain.  I am done with that.

I am so fucking tempted to get some heroin.  I know that sounds horrible, but it seriously would make the pain go away....I DO REALIZE IT WOULD CREATE ANOTHER ISSUE...so I won't go there, but I wish I could...

So today, I will run my errands, I will put a happy face on, and I will ignore the pain, until I am alone...I will put one foot in front of the other and live my life 10 minutes at a time.....just try and survive another day....

S